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Navigating Religion as A Lesbian Mom
For most of my life, I was fairly able to avoid the topic of religion and any life decisions that came along with it.
Lately however, I’ve come face to face with some hard decisions to make in the department of religion because of my children. When it comes to life’s mysteries, it can be hard to know what to believe yourself, let alone what to teach your children to believe. As a lesbian mom, I’ve also come face to face with the choices that other people have made for themselves with their own religious beliefs and how they feel about homosexuality. In my journeys through my religious options, I’ve been on the receiving end of harsh judgment and total acceptance; bearing witness to the opposite extremes of emotions that religious people can have towards me once they discover I am a lesbian. Navigating the choices I have had to make about religion as a lesbian mom has been an interesting experience, and I felt like it was important to share what I’ve gone through with you.
My family baptized me as a Catholic when I was a baby. Then they converted when I was about twelve and I was ‘re-born’ as a Christian.
I remember at some point also going to other types of churches, and my mother even trying out her hand as a Jehovah’s Witness. As an adult, I was very confused about my own religious beliefs and whether I believed in God, and I lived a life of questioning what I was raised to believe in even though I didn’t really know what I believed in. I felt like religion was supposed to provide me with some sort of answer to life’s big questions and mysteries, yet all I was filled with was more unanswered questions. At some point I just decided that I didn’t know if I believed in a God or if I didn’t, and that was that.
When I had my first child in 2000, I realized that I would have to come to some sort of decision about what I believed in because now I was also responsible for the life of another human being.
The issue of religion came up right away because my family wanted the baby to be baptized in a church even though I didn’t want to commit to any one religion. I managed to avoid the issue by hiring a non-denominational minister to perform a ‘dedication ceremony’ in an outdoor setting. This was dedicating my son’s life to the “greater good” so I felt that I was satisfying the part of me that wanted some sort of belief in a Higher Power and also the part that didn’t believe. I was still questioning, and managed to keep things that way… for a little while.
I had a tough time after my son was born – I had another baby right before my marriage totally fell apart, and then came out as a lesbian right after.
Having been to the Catholic and Christian Sunday schools and bible studies, it was ingrained in me that divorce was a big no-no and so was being a lesbian. I went through a lot of emotional turmoil, self doubt, self hatred, and questioning of life during that period of time. I am so blessed that I had my two children and Gina during that time because they were really what kept me going through it all. I really had to come to terms with the choices that I had made and reconcile them with the religious beliefs I had been taught. I went in search of answers and I took the time to find them. Now I don’t consider myself to be religious, I say that I am ‘spiritual’, but honestly I still haven’t taken the time to baptize or dedicate my youngest child as of yet. She is going to be 6 in July. Now, I have taken so long to make a choice about what religious beliefs to instill as a lesbian mom, that this child is about ready to tell me what religion to choose herself! *LOL
Our oldest is 7 and the youngest is 5, and I think I’ve avoided the issue of religion as much as I can.
They can both read now, and understand adult conversations. They notice things, and remember stuff, and have questions about everything. Just like me, they want to know. It’s hard to know what to say when a child asks you what happens when we die, or who is Jesus. My son has practiced meditation because he saw it on a cartoon, and knows what a Buddhist monk looks like when he sees one because of a family movie we watched once. Another family movie, called Fluke, is about a dog who remembers a past life as a husband and father. That movie inspired a ton of questions from the kids and made me realize that I really needed to decide what I was going to teach my kids to believe.
If you are a member of the LGBT community (with children or not) this issue is one that is going to come up at one point or another in your life.
Many religions are anti-gay and discourage homosexuality, considering homosexuals to be what Hindu society refers to as pariah or outcasts. There are some Christian denominations and other religions that are accepting of members of the LGBT community. If you are a lesbian, bi-sexual, trans-sexual or gay man, you are really going to have to do your homework if you are looking for an accepting place of worship in your area. You are going to want to determine if you are going to have any problems with discrimination first before you show up. (Read this article about a lesbian couple from the United States who was denied communion at their local parish after they were married in Canada.) Over the past few years Gina and I have had baptisms, weddings, and funerals to attend in different types churches and at a funeral for my father’s aunt, a man who seemed to be the guy in charge literally put his hand up and stopped us asking me “Is that your sister?” I said “No, this is my wife.” This guy had to think for a minute before he stepped aside and said “Okay you can go in.” I couldn’t believe it. One church I attended without Gina asked me if I had a husband and told me that the next time I went I had to take my husband… yikes!!
You can research different religions online before you go, and determine which places of worship that you endorse and which you want to avoid.
When you attend, be wary of the materials they provide such as brochures and prayer books. You’ll also want to listen to the songs that the choir sings and determine if the message being delivered is one that you endorse. We took our children to a Methodist church this past Easter for a re-enactment of The Last Supper. The kids are old enough to read the words in the song books now and it was sooo cute to see them read and sing about love and kindness! I would have been upset if the kids were ever subjected to the discrimination that Gina and I have. Instead, my heart was beaming with gratefulness to see the kids participate in activities like symbolic washing of the hands of the person sitting next to you, plus the sharing of bread and punch. They had a ton of questions that night for sure!
In any case here is what Wikipedia says about religion and homosexuality:
Though the relationship between homosexuality and religion can vary greatly across time and place, within and between different religions and sects, and regarding different forms of homosexuality and bisexuality, current authoritative bodies and doctrines of the world’s largest religions generally view homosexuality negatively. This can range from quietly discouraging homosexual activity, to explicitly forbidding same-sex sexual practices among adherents and actively opposing social acceptance of homosexuality. Some teach that homosexual orientation itself is sinful, while others assert that only the sexual act is a sin. Some claim that homosexuality can be overcome through religious faith and practice. On the other hand, voices exist within each of these religions that view homosexuality more positively, and liberal religious denominations may even bless same-sex marriages. Some view same-sex love and sexuality as sacred, and a mythology of same-sex love can be found around the world.
Here is a list of books from Amazon on the subject of LGBT Religion and Spirituality:
- Reclaiming The Spirit: Gay Men and Lesbians Come to Terms with Religion here
- Coming Out Within: Stages of Spiritual Awakening for Lesbians and Gay Men here
- From Wounded Hearts: Faith Stories Of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, And Transgender People And Those Who Love Them here
- Equal Rites: Lesbian and Gay Worship, Ceremonies, and Celebrations here
- Lesbian Rabbis: The First Generation here
- Qu(e)erying Evangelism: Growing a Community From the Outside In here
- Face to Face: Gay And Lesbian Clergy on Holiness And Life Together here
- Are There Closets in Heaven?; A Catholic Father and Lesbian Daughter Share their Story here
- Waiting for the Call: From Preacher’s Daughter to Lesbian Mom here
What I have found is that the main religious denominations where you can find total gay acceptance are:
Metropolitan Community Church
Unitarian Universalist Church
United Church of Christ
United Church of Canada
Paganism
Neopagan
Wiccan
Some congregations of the following denominations are accepting of the LGBT community:
Christian Reformed Church
Church of the Nazarene
Presbyterian
Anglican
Lutheran
Reformed Judaism
New Apostolic
Religious Society of Friends (Quaker)
The Unification Church
And here are some denominations which do not endorse homosexuality yet do support the human rights of the gay community:
Buddhism
Taoism
Confucianism
The United Methodist Church
There are also many spiritual centers emerging as places of worship as well with a focus on gay worshippers.
Once you’ve decided which belief system works for you, I suggest reaching out to others of the same faith for support and fellowship.
Meetup.com is a great place to meet others of the same faith. There are so many religions to choose from in society that I couldn’t possibly cover them all here in this article. I encourage you to do your homework and follow your heart!
Here are some websites where you can find out more about religion for lesbians and others in the LGBT community:
- Article: Lesbian caught between religion and outside world here
- Article: Religion and Homosexuality here
- Article: Lesbian Faith without Fear here
- Faith in America here
- OUT Faith here
- The Gay Religion Blog here
- Gay Church.org here
- A Lesbians Faith.com here
- Interfaith Advocates LGBT here
- Lesbian and Gay Studies in Religion here
- Lesbian Life Religion and Spirituality here
- Religion on Gay City USA here
- Gay and Lesbian Mormons here
- GLBT Catholics here
- LGBT Episcopalians here
- Gay and Lesbian Atheists and Humanists here
- LGBT Jewish Organizations here
- Gay and Lesbian Quakers here
- The Gay and Lesbian Vaishnava Association here
- More Light Presbyterians here
- Lutherans Concerned here
The road to religious choices is definitely an interesting one.
I hope that I was able to give you a good jumpstart with the resources I’ve collected above. Finding a place of worship where you feel accepted is the ultimate goal, and I wish you the best on that journey. Feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts and insights on navigating religion as a lesbian if you can.
Until next post stay well and be safe.
Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her online by visiting her website at www.juliephineas.com.
13 Responses to Navigating Religion as A Lesbian Mom
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Leoma Dabrowski
December 24, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Hey. I couldn’t get through to this page the other day. Anyone else had the problem?
Luke
May 7, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Raycol – Do you read the Bible?
I think the isuses of “sex between women nor any form of sex between men” are clearly talked about often
Just to list a few:
Romans 1:26-27
1 Corinthians 6:9
1 Timothy 1:10 wording is verified through Leviticus 18:22
Others:
Titus 1:9-13
Galatians 5:19-21
Ephesians 5:5
Romans 13:13
Raycol
March 6, 2009 at 4:34 pm
A further website where one can find out more about religion for lesbians and others in the LGBT community is the “Gay and Christian” site (www.gaysandslaves.com). The site states that the Bible does not condemn sex between women nor any form of sex between men except for anal sex. But this prohibition does not apply to men today when the sexual activity causes no harm. Also, the prohibition does not apply to men today because it applied only to the ancient Israelite and Greek-Roman cultures. The full reasoning for these conclusions can be seen on the site.
Debbie
February 26, 2009 at 2:11 am
Thank you Julie, you too…………..
~Julie Phineas~
February 26, 2009 at 12:34 am
Navigating religion is a personal experience for us all. Whatever conclusions you come to are right where you are supposed to be. If the Bible is your chosen philosophy to follow, I hope that it works for you. I pray you are led to truth regardless of the path you take. Hopefully there are some good resources in my article to help other lesbians like myself to lead them to their truth. Stay well!
Debbie
February 26, 2009 at 12:18 am
Julie,
I do not read any literature except the Bible, and it never says that sin is a myth. It talks about sin all the time, and the wages of sin. You may think that hell is not serious, but it is, and the Bible has many verses that there is a hell. Jesus spoke about it more often than Heaven, and why do you suppose He did that? Hell is a real place, and there are no second chances when you get there. Julie, if people tell you all you need to do is just love your brothers and sisters, and do good works and never hate, they are leading you down the wrong path. You can only get to Heaven through Jesus Christ by asking forgiveness of your sins, and living a life by following Christ’s example. Good deeds do not get you to Heaven. Hell is a dark place, separated from God forever where demons torment and cause physical pain that you can feel for eternity. There is no rest or food or water or peace there, only constent pain forever. Do you really want to spend your eternal afterlife in such a place? I would never want to see anyone go to such a place………….and as a good Christian, I would not be following the Bible, or Jesus’s teaching if I didn’t try to tell people the truth, because God will hold me accountable. The Bible is God’s Truth, and if anyone tells you different it is a lie. Read it for yourself, it reveals the future for all who dare to read it especially Revelation. I will pray for you, and God Bless………………….Debbie
~Julie Phineas~
February 25, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Debbie and all… I truly suggest you research A Course in Miracles, which is a Christian philosophy that will tell you what the Bible will not which is that sin is a myth. Shocking but true. I appreciate your concern over my possibly going to hell, but it’s really not that serious. Love your brother and never hate. Never.
Debbie
February 25, 2009 at 10:41 am
Hi Julie,
I really understand where you are coming from, because when I was younger I tried to fit Religion into my life. Although I am not gay, I do understand what your going through, but as a born-again Christian, and reading the Bible faithfully everyday, I understand more about what religion really is. Religion is a made man set of rituals, because when you accept Christ as your Savior it is not a Religion, but a way of life. You learn to live your life with God first in your life, and you pray to Jesus, because He is the only way to the Father, God. Being a Christian means that you walk in Jesus’s shoes, and live your life by His teachings. This being said, your first obligation to the Lord is to love everyone as you love yourself, and not to be judgemental. There, unfortunitly are two types of Christians in this world. Those that are Christians in name only that do not hold to the beliefs, commandments, and laws of God, who do not read the Bible, so they are not in tune with Jesus’s teachings and then there are true Christians who do follow Jesus’s teachings. Christians do not mean to be judgemental towards you, they love you just like everyone else, but the Bible clearly states that homosexuality is an abomination to God. It’s your life style they do not like, not you personally, because a good Christian knows that to live the type of lifestyle you live only leads to destruction (hell) because God hates sin, and anyone with unforgiven sin cannot enter Heaven. I know at times Christians may get ratical about it, but it’s only because when we become Christians we have an obligation to tell people the truth so they can be saved and not go to hell. We push harder than ever now days because we are in the End of the Age, Jesus is to come back soon, and the Tribulation period is at the door. Those who are not saved when He comes will be left behind on this earth to suffer under the antichrist. Alot of people say this is a story, but it is not, everything is fortold in the Bible, and over 300 of the Prophesies have come true. Why am I telling you this? Because I do not want to see anyone go to hell, and I wanted to explain that there are Christians out there like me who do not hate you, we only want to help……………love the sinner, hate the sin.
msalas
November 11, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Julie, even though I don’t have children, I can understand to some extent having grown up in a strict catholic household. As a child, and as young adult I trusted my parents, and believed they were right about everything, and the catholic church was just one more thing they were right about. I attended the Catholic church since childhood, but stopped as an adult. I have to say as a young adult it was comforting to know that when things went wrong I could break out in a “Hail Mary” and all was great again. This was a time in which I wasn’t aware of how the church viewed homosexuality. Even though I know now, it’s still hard for me to never attend a ceromony, esp during the holidays, or in those times of need, I still break out a prayer from the church. In some way it will always be with me. But, just as the church gives it’s own spiritual foundation, you can too with your children. We live in a day and age where there is so much literature out there to keep your children on a spiritual path. I also want to add, I don’t think your children would want to support a church knowing that it doesn’t support you and Gina. I’m sure whatever you decide for your children, it will be right for all of you.
Daniel P from Long Island
October 19, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I would also recommend you looking into The United Church Of Christ, which is very supportive and affirming of the equality of gay people in all respects, including supporting gay marriage within the church, and having many gay and lesbian pastors.
PEACE !
tracya
October 19, 2008 at 1:20 pm
It is more important now with children that you explore your faith and religion. Know that God loves you for who you are..without conditions. Look around your area for a Metropolitan Community Church (MCC). The pastor there can answer any questions that you may have concerning the Bible and homosexuality.
Brittany Marie
October 19, 2008 at 9:35 am
I agree with johanna. I am not comfortable with the whole organized, community religion thing. I do not need other people to believe in the same thing I do. I do not feel I need that community aspect and feel most comfortable worshiping on my own time, in my own room, with only my mind to distract me. I have never felt comfortable in churches and the whole lethargic and half-assed answering back, a lot of churches do freaks me out. Ya know, the whole church saying some phrase out loud…to no one…all monotone…*shivers* I know its harsh…but church feels cult-ish to me. There are so many people who go and participate because they were told to, and never stopped to think about whether they WANT to. They just….do. I commend you for doing the time and research to figure things out for yourself, and not just being brainwashed by society to be whatever your parents are.
p.Johanna
October 19, 2008 at 2:42 am
I have visited many different churches and other places of worship. I have yet to really delve into buddhism, but read many books in relation to it. I have a collection of bibles, and I do go through ALL of them, especially when I am researching or just plain thinking of something and want an answer. I can see your point, since you have children, but I have to state that I have come to the conclusion that I don’t need an organized religion to dictate how I should live. I believe that there is a spiritual being out there, and that I have received many blessings, which dispels the thought that this spiritual being is against my genetic make-up (being a lesbian). Basically, I think it is important to put out there, it is OK to be a lesbian (or any part of the glbt spectrum)and not follow an organized religion, or ok to be a part of an organized religion, or to be an atheist, or a pagan, as long as you love yourself and RESPECT others.