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Following My Heart… Into the Closet: A Gay Navy Wife and DADT

9/29/09-by Isabell James

At the end of June, I quit my lucrative job with great benefits and vacation time. I packed up our studio and planned a night out to say farewell to family and friends. I left my very OUT life to go back in the closet; I did this for love. I followed my heart and my partner, Jo, who is serving active duty in the military.

In this closeted journey, there are good and bad days. Sometimes Jo is home for a long weekend, other nights I’m all alone wishing I could join one of the many groups for military wives. Up until now, I’ve documented our experience via my personal blog. This will be my first opportunity to reach a large-scale audience. Today is a good day and a great step in my plight for equal rights.

According to the Urban Institute, there are at least 65,000 gay Americans serving active duty. Another 13,000 have been discharged since 1994 under the DADT policy. Unfortunately, the number of invisible partners and children remains completely undetermined.

Although thrilled to speak on behalf of other closeted military spouses, I am also petrified. My family and friends share my fears. Everyone asks, “What does Jo think about ‘going public’?”

I questioned her this morning over blueberry pancakes.

“I’m deleting my Facebook,” she joked. Looking at me with those warm eyes I fell in love with, she added “I’m very proud of you. You’re not just telling our story; you are sharing the story of so many. You need to do this, Izzy. There are couples who have been living like this for decades. It’s time the silence is broken.”

With Jo’s blessing, I would like to introduce myself to the LezGetReal community. I’ve been asked to report on DADT but I must warn you, I am not your typical reporter. While I will bring you breaking news coming off Capital Hill, I also plan to share an inside perspective of the discrimination we face on a day-by-day basis.

The Washington Post/ABC News conducted a poll in July 2008, which found that 75 percent of Americans favor allowing gays to serve in the military. For a country engrossed in the gay marriage debate, why is there not a louder discussion, a stronger push for President Obama to follow through on his campaign promise to repel DADT.

While Jo and I sit and anxiously await news from Congress and the Pentagon, she could lose her job just for being associated with me. I’m not talking about holding my hand or making out at a gay club (although those are obvious reasons for discharge). She cannot be prosecuted for her gay ‘status;’ however, any evidence of homosexual conduct could get her discharged. ‘Evidence’ could include personal letters, emails, or even ownership of gay-themed DVDs. I guess I should burn our L Word collection?

Everyone affected by DADT has been too afraid to talk about it. Jo was recently in a discrimination workshop led by the military. The moderator asked for examples of discriminatory policies. One woman boldly responded, “Homosexuality.” The moderator gasped, “Wow. Yes. This is the first time anyone has ever said that.”
Jo and I were appalled but not shocked. Why would anyone mention such a taboo subject? The woman who shared her opinion openly was able to do so because she is in a heterosexual marriage.

Harvey Milk once said, “The only ways we’ve ever made advances are when we’ve named the dream. Not the crumbs, not the little pieces around the edges. You have got to name the dream, or you’ll never get it.”

My dream is equal rights for ALL of our servicemen and women. I am not simply addressing the freedom to be out. They should also have the right to care and provide for their loved ones, the same rights as their straight counterparts.

And secretly, my dream is to kiss my (wo)man in uniform just like any other military wife.

You can read more of Isabells thoughts on her blog