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Part Two: UAFA Now or 1,666 years of Stories: A Binational Xmas Wish in A letter to President Obama
By Melanie Nathan, Dec 24th, 2009 – Part 2 : UAFA Now or 1,666 years of binational Stories
Story # 2, In this my second post in the series: ”UAFA or 1,666 years of binational stories,” my column presents in the form of my letter to President Obama, below. It also reveals my own less told binational story, the one that prompted my advocacy and writing on the plight of bi-national couples.
Dear Mr. President,
My family of four, including my two young daughters, aged 4 and 12 years, wish You, the First Lady and the First Daughters a very Happy Holiday and New Year. Not to forget Maya Lasso Absa to Bo, First Dog… best wishes.
With these wishes, I would be remiss to ignore this opportunity to alert you, with respect Mr. President, to the other families, less fortunate than mine, the same-sex families, who are unable to spend this Holiday Season together.
During January of 2002, I went into an online chat room for the first time ever and developed a friendship with a woman from Israel. Coincidentally she was soon to arrive in the USA to study at a University in Texas. I invited her to stop in California, en route, so we could meet and soon I realized that this was the person with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life. 
Our relationship flourished while Dor was studying in Texas and soon she transferred to a college near my home in Northern California; and so we moved in together and married as soon as it was legal for us to do so. At the time, my daughter, HC, from my previous relationship was five years of age. Dor and HC developed a close relationship and they could not have loved each other more.
We were able to change Dor’s student visa to a very limited R1 visa. Notwithstanding the fact that California recognized our domestic partnership and subsequent marriage, I the US citizen could not sponsor Dor in the same way as a different gender couple could.
Dorit taught Jewish religious studies, Hebrew and Bible at a local congregation and was qualified for the R1 Visa. We were luckier than many others in the same-sex binational community because we had found a way, albeit expensive and fraught with difficulties. With Dor the last in her family of Holocaust survivors, and biological clock ticking, we decided to extend our family and to inseminate so that Dor would carry a baby for us. The birth of Refael was one of the most exhilirating moments in our lives, with HC, the big sister ecstatic at the arrival of her new baby sister. 
Our lives continued; and we were a tight family, notwithstanding our constant fear that we would have to part ways if Dor’s Visa did not lead to her intended immigration within the time constraints of the R1 termination date. The termination date came and we advocated crazily for the renewal by Congress of the R1. With mere days and then hours to the sunset of the law, and Dor’s process hanging severely in the balance, Congress did extend the Visa, setting yet another sunset date for March 06, 2009.
Dor’s lawyer informed us that our chances of success were remote as the timing was still not in our favor, as well as other aspects of the statute and rules that were so onerous and arbitrary on the part of DHS. We were given low odds and another huge legal bill and a decision to make – should we continue on this Visa path? The choices were dim; in fact there were no feasible choices. I could not face the Sophie’s choice that had been haunting me for so many years.
How could I leave my then 11 year old (due to shared custody agreement with me ex) and go with Dor and the baby to Israel? How could I say goodbye to the love of my life-my spouse, and my then three year old Refael. How could I split the sisters? I went to see my member of Congress and there was nothing that could be done for our situation. As an American Citizen and with both children American citizens there was no law to prevent the high probability of Dor having to leave the USA. I had also determined that I would never prevent Dor from taking our baby with her; the attachment and bond between them would be forcibly broken and my baby would suffer irreparable harm. There were no choices, only extreme denial.
So we paid and prayed… and then before the final impending sunset date, DHS showed up at our Congregation, with three official investigators to check that Dorit’s basis for her Visa to Immigrate was legitimate; and of course it was. They approved her application and we were able to submit the finalizing Petition.
With 7 days to the sunset of the R1 process, we received a letter stating that the R1 Visa Law was going to sunset and this time there would be no renewal by Congress. This would not give enough time to process the final piece of Dor’s approved application. Again I spun into denial determined to fight and not willing to think of my ‘Sophie’s choice.’ There was no plan B. 
It was then that I went to Senator Feinstein for help and with mere hours to the sunset of the law, Dor’s file was given a priority position and viewed just before the 11thhour. Dor was approved and received her green card about two weeks later. This four year hell cost us a great deal, emotionally stressful and financially debilitating.
I calculated how much more it had cost us compared to that of a straight couple who could simply Petition because of their recognized marriage. I took into account legal fees, non-resident student fees, work limitation losses and Visa fees and renewals: A whopping total of $71,600 for us (over a six year period) compared to $1,500 for a straight couple over a six month period.
It was the spread of our good news that led to my introduction to Shirley Tan and Jay Mercado and my advocacy for them and other binationals has helmed my 2009 year. 
Mr. President, with great respect, I am mentioning this during the holiday season because this time for many is fraught with sadness, fear and pain. Exiled Americans, who are with their spouses, cannot come home to spend Xmas with extended families and if they do, they have to leave spouses abroad. Tens of thousands of same sex couples are unable to spend these holidays together because they are stuck in different countries. These families cannot wait any longer. Our binational spouses and partners are being turned away at US airports, even as I write these words, at the arbitrary instance of an ICE officer.
We cannot wait any longer and this President Obama is what we can do:
1. Ask Congress to formulate a special interim Visa for Same-sex Spouses, Domestic Partners, Civil Union Partners, for entry into the USA, and for the ability to remain and work in the USA – possibly subject to renewal and/or- with a path to immigration. This can be done in a similar manner to the R1 Visa Process. It should however be less complicated and could be set for termination when UAFA or similar legislation is passed, or until DOMA is repealed.
2. The burden of proof could be similar to a marriage – where, inter alia, the following is required:
a. Proof of certification of marriage, Domestic Partnership, Civil Union contract – from any jurisdiction, anywhere in the world, proving a contractual nexus between the spouses; and also an Affidavit of suport from American Spouse;
b. The same two year conditional residency as spouses have – where the parties attend an interview where they prove that they have been living together in relationship, to back up the contract in the exact same way as straight people have to do;
c. Anyone who has a ten year ban – who was in a Same sex relationship at the time – ought to have their case reviewed to negate the ban and criteria for this should be established;
d. Same sex couples ought to have a process to convert Visas to this Visa status, regardless of waivers they may have signed.
(I have written a more detailed drafty of legislation for such a VISA and its available to anyone interested.) UPDATED; SIGN PETITION
http://immigration.change.org/actions/view/special_visa_for_binational_lgbt_spouse-perma-partners
I believe if this was done in the form of a special visa category and did not alter the Immigration and Naturalization Act in any way, it could perhaps work its way through the system quickly and differently. The way it is written will not conflict in any way with DOMA and its tacit restrictions on the Immigration and Naturalization Act.
The legitimacy would rest on the fact that de facto relationships and families exist, a simple fact of life; and that because they are specifically ousted by law, with their civil right to live together impeded, they should be allowed a special visa status, until such time as the law changes to include them, so that they no longer need to be considered a special class for special rights. I say the argument here is to embrace an agenda of special rights, as an interim necessity, and to counter the argument against it by admitting it to be just what it would be which is special rights!
For as long as DOMA exists LGBT relationships are automatically a special class, simply because one cannot deny the factual existence, the contractual commitment and the ethical obligations these families have assumed.
Now while none of us want special treatment and would much rather have equal treatment, I guarantee that 95% of binational couples who are currently in jeopardy or suffering hardship by virtue of their non- status, would agree to a moratorium or interim visa so that they can live their lives in peace, in their own country and with whom they wish, as a matter of immediacy.
This would in no way derogate from the work that needs to be done to amend this injustice in the long term. All it would do is stop subjecting LGBT couples to immediate human rights abuses engendered by the lack of equality with regard to visas and immigration.
Regardless of my plea for binationals and certainly not to negate the urgency, what we need Sir, for the long term, is your leadership to pursue what you promised and that is the passage of repeal legislation for DOMA.
Perhaps pursuing Congressman Jerrold Nadler’s “Respect for Marriage Act” ought to be the priority of all LGBT movements, organizations and leaders, above and beyond DADT, ENDA, UAFA, etc. It is my contention that the pivotal legislation detrimentally impacting the LGBT community is the insidious one that seeks to deny our de facto relationships, which to my way of thinking denies us the right to be gay. If we are denied the validity of our relationships, it is tantamount to an overt endorsment that we ought not have our relationships – what could be worse?
If we cannot sponsor our spouses to be with us in our country, causing banishment from the USA, then we are thwarting those lesbian and gay relationships; – Silence by this Administration and the continued persecution of gays and lesbians, profiled and deported at the airports by suspicious ICE officers, is the same as overtly stating that exiling our gays and lesbians is acceptable. The relationships are the essence of who we are and the absolute benchmark for acceptability, beyond mere tolerance.
This situation, Mr. President, is hardly known by mainstream America and I imagine once revealed more openly, through columns such as mine, where I am publishing this letter, the average American may feel compassion or perhaps even some guilt. The fact that America can exile its own is simply unconscionable. As a community we are hurt and sickened by the perception that a Democratic majority and President cannot rescue us from the throat hold of the religious right and from States that vote away our rights.
So at this holiday time, when families are gathering together in happiness and joy, please find a way to remember those Americans. their beloved and children who, because of DOMA, cannot share these days- and all our community can do at this time is beg and pray for something extraordinary, perhaps a miracle. Our exiles and exiles-to-be cannot wait for the impending Immigration Reform battle or for UAFA to garnish more co-sponsors. Our binationals do not want to be the “Public Option” of Comprehensive Immigration Reform.
Our binationals cannot wait to hold the hand of a dying parent, nor be on foreign turf if they themselves are ailing, nor be subjected to losing homes, jobs, and businesses, nor the separation of siblings. Our binationals are running out of money to support the long distance relationships.
By XMAS time next year, it is my Holiday prayer that our binationals will all reunite through whatever means it takes – but here and now Mr. President we need your leadership and for you to take reach beyond business as usual in D.C. to accomplish what for us was also a “YES WE CAN.” 
Thank you for reading this and in Solidarity I say,
Happy Holidays and a Miraculous New Year,
Most Sincerely,
Melanie Nathan,
American Citizen,
Married Lesbian
Mom of two daughters
Unable to Sponsor Spouse
Feature Picture taken by Melanie - of Dorit, HC and Refael, 2008.
PLEASE NOTE – This Letter will be re-faxed to President Obama and mailed together with all comments that readers make. I encourage one to two paragraph stories of binationals.
UPDATE; OUT OF THIS – Piece a Petition is born - The overwhelming response on my personal e-mail to this post has given me faith in the fight. So I have taken a vision of mine, which many may think silly and naive, and once again in defiance of protocol, in defiance of all that (those who know better say) is possible, in defiance of the experienced, and veering off the beaten track…… here is my hopeful interim remedial solution to the crime against binational Americans and their partners/spouses/children. PLEASE PARTICIPATE AND SIGN THIS experiment in grassroot power…… Lets take back the fight!! Lets wake every American conscience to the Binational Plight. We need 36,000 signatures. CLICK HERE - http://www.change.org/actions/view/special_visa_for_binational_lgbt_spouse-perma-partners
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57 Responses to Part Two: UAFA Now or 1,666 years of Stories: A Binational Xmas Wish in A letter to President Obama
Socialize
For A Gay Friendly Get Away
CHRISTIANE
August 3, 2010 at 3:10 pm
Melanie:
Thanks for being in the fight with us!!
I’m a Mexican MTF pre op Transgender woman….. I met my american boyfriend online in 2003 …..Six months later we met in person in Mexico and since then we have been in a relationship that it’s been really difficult because the fact that I can’t become an American citizen…..we had been “living” together for the period of times when I can come to the US with a tourist visa that was issued in 2001 and will due in 2011 and allow me to stay in the country per 6 months each time…..
I had been traveling back and forth per almost 7 years now trying to keep our relationship alive but we are wondering what will happen when my visa expire next year and I’m not gonna be able to come to the US anymore……
But even in the case that I can get another tourist visa ….we are tired of the trips, the fact that we can’t be together all the time, that we don’t live in the same country all the time…..and the fact that we can’t legally marry in the state of Ohio where he reside……
It’s been a long journey and we can’t wait for something like the UAFA pass so I can be able to live in this country, work, have a normal family and have the same rights than any other straight couple.
Even when I live as a full time woman and my appearance is totally feminine we are consider it like a same sex couple
We had been thinking about my boyfriend moving to Mexico but he has a good job in the US and I consider unfair for him to leave everything and the stable economical situation that he has in the US to follow me……so…..I’m the one who is taking the risk and the responsibility to travel all the time…..but that is messing with my economical and emotional life……despite that he travel to Mexico when I can be in the US
The unfair and broken immigration system in the US need to be change so people like us can live together like any other couple in this country……..So we URGE the congress and the president Obama to do something about it ………We don’t want to be treated like a 3rd class citizens anymore!!!
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Jon
January 25, 2010 at 2:11 pm
The temporary visa is a great idea. Look how quickly a temporary visa was passed to allow undocumented Haitians to live and work in the US for 18 months. If the administration wanted to, they could do the same for us.
Lies
January 13, 2010 at 8:26 am
This is a fantastic letter which I hope many people will read – and you have a beautiful family, by the way.
I myself am in a similar situation – I am Belgian, my girlfriend is American. We have known each other for about five years and have been a couple for 1,5. Because I am still studying, we manage to see each other about three times a year now, and we plan to live in Europe together after I’ve graduated. I realize we are a lot luckier than some other binational gay couples: both our families entirely support us, and my country, like most European countries, does recognize same-sex unions for immigration purposes.
Nonetheless, she loves her country, and if it would be possible for us to live in the US, that is what we would do – in part because it would be more practically feasible for me to leave my country than for her to do so. Like so many others, we are hoping and waiting for immigration reform.
Jackie
January 7, 2010 at 9:27 pm
This is just wrong. I have read these posts and the only thing these people want is to be a family. There is such irony here… groups that advocate family values would deny what they advocate.
This is spiritual torture. One should not have to by gay to be appalled and driven to action against this injustice.
justin
January 7, 2010 at 12:51 am
the uafa bill will not pass besides someone one comes out with ways to prevent fraughts.
Sei
January 7, 2010 at 8:39 am
Justin,
Fraud still happens with immigration. You can prevent only so much fraud from happening. Unfortunately, people use the notion of fraud in order to try and derail legislation they disagree with on other grounds without ever having to expose their own hatreds or prejudices. For instance, the Republicans keep saying that we should get rid of Welfare because of the fraudulent cases which happen every year, but they never want to fully fund enforcement of the laws which prevent fraud. If we actually funded enforcement of the law, then fraud would be less rampant and we wouldn’t waste money. The problem is, Republicans want to get rid of Welfare because they do not like the idea of rich people paying to help poor people survive enough to not form into an out and out rebellion.
Melanie Nathan
January 7, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Justin as already said by my colleagues – Fraud -I presume that is the word you are looking for is a great problem already with Immigration with straight marriage, is that a reason to keep the law unequal. LGBT Immigration equalit y will not make things any different. In fact all the evidence needed will have to be the same for any type of relationship. What you may be thinking is that if there is no proof of a contractual relationship between the parties, that may have a bigger opportunity for fraud. That is easly remedied, I am sure that gay people will not mind having to produceproof of a civil union, Domestic partnership, or marriage from any jurisdiction in the US or World as a part of their burden of proof; just as in Straight relationships. All gay couples want is equality for their relationships under the immigration laws.
Dianna
January 5, 2010 at 9:02 pm
I couldn’t read anymore stories because I could feel my eyes watering. I have been fighting this battle for a long time too and it is emotionally draining. We can’t wait any longer! Something HAS to be done! It’s 2010!! I am praying it passes this year. My partner is falling into a depression because it hurts so much not being together.
Connie Yildirim
January 4, 2010 at 9:42 pm
Thank you Melanie for your efforts on the UAFA and CIR that includes our families. I too voted for Obama and am beginning to become very disappointed with him and the Democrats. We have been living in exile now for 5 years in Canada and we are ready (more than ready) to come home where we belong. I have also noticed most times being rebuffed when we say we are not happy here. We get the attitude that we should be “grateful”. I am grateful for being with my partner but I am not grateful that I have to live in exile to be with her. I know that we have it much better than many binational couples but it does not mean that we should be happy about having to live in another country and this is a somewhat disappointing response from other couples who should know what it feels like.
Ashley
December 31, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I am writing this very moment from a place of sincere distress. Driving back from the holidays to our home in Atlanta, GA I discovered that my partner had been denied entry back into the United States. Graduating with her PhD in neuroscience, her student visa expired but going through all the proper and legal channels she obtained OPT status with a proper work permit and was told she was free to travel abroad with her necessary documents. Working for a university in Atlanta, she took leave for a month to see family in India. At the airport authorities denied access to board her return flight to the United States. She has worked in America for six years furthering science focused on understanding human diseases. Her whole life is here. We have built a home together. It is more than a car and shared utilities and all the seemingly mundane practices of domestic life. It is an actual partnership that we have cultivated and it is being stepped on and insulted. I have no legal right to investigate possibilities for her return. It is now up to her employer to sponsor an H1B visa to ensure reentry into the US. The application process is long and arduous. Living in a state that does not recognize same sex marriage has made our relationship invalid and I am helpless to do anything. I have no assurance that she will ever be allowed back into the country. We have a home together, we have lived and loved and paid our taxes as any other couple in this country and yet something so simple as a return flight from aboard cannot be given. I do not understand. I cannot fathom being without her and yet the system is denying my very right as a citizen to sponsor her return. Please, if anything can be done, please help us.
Melanie,
You have already contacted me concerning my story and I want to say how truly uplifting it is to have an individual so dedicated to human rights as you and actively fighting for a just cause. Thank you so much for taking your time to let us know we are being listened to and our concerns and struggles are not going unnoticed. Thank you for being our voice and conduit for change.
Melanie Nathan
December 31, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Ashley, I am so sorry at what you are going through – its unspeakable, Imagine going routinely to to the aiiirport and then being told that you have to change your whole LIFE! This cannot go on. America Please wake up. Sign Petition at http://immigration.change.org/actions/view/special_visa_for_binational_lgbt_spouse-perma-partners
Mike
December 30, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Agree 100 % ! We reside in exile in Europe as a result of the US unfair immigration laws when it comes to binationals sex couples. We are separated by laws and not by choice from our friends and families. Neither of us are able to contribute to the US Society with our knowledge (both have Ph.D.s). Why ? Is this just ? Please, Mr President, show your compasion (and gonads) and help us.
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Sandy
December 29, 2009 at 9:40 am
Melanie — Thanks so much for talking about this issue. You are so right that people have no idea that this inequality exists. I know this because I had no idea until I entered into a bi-national relationship! And I thought I was well informed! Keep up the good work, we need as many voices and we can get to try and get more people behind us… and speaking up for us!
Melanie Nathan
December 29, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Thanks Sandy and also for signing the petition . If you want your story told, please feel free to submit it to me at binationals@privatecourts.com
Cecilia
December 28, 2009 at 3:38 pm
I get to know this site / your story from your posting in Out4Immigration’s forum which we just joined two / three months ago, thanks for your posting, else my wife & I won’t get to this place, my wife is still reading here.
While I love being in my country, Malaysia, we think US is the better option due to the language, the culture, the system, etc, & also because it’s easy for me to leave my country than for my wife to leave her country – too many obstacles.
I would love the repeal DOMA, or even just the UAFA got passed, but now I only wish I could just get a tourist visa so that I can go to US to spend the 6 months in a year with her. I applied for the tourist visa twice, but failed to get it. My wife can only stretch for 2 months to be with me in Malaysia. If I got a special visitor visa, at least it can guarantee my time with her in a year.
I just wish this could happen, especially we’re planning to start a family now, we just can’t wait for the law to change to live our lives.
Melanie Nathan
December 29, 2009 at 1:00 am
Cecilia – I would love to feautre your story in my column if you are agreeable. Please contact me at binationals@privatecourts.com I really appreciate your comments – your storyis imprtant.Also please sign the Peition I started for VISAS for LGBT couples. You sound like that is exactly what you would need. I came up with the idea because I cannot stand to see how much people are suffering who cannot be with their loved ones.
UPDATE; OUT OF THIS – Piece a Petition is born – The overwhelming response on my personal e-mail to this post has given me faith in the fight. So I have taken a vision of mine, which many may think silly and naive, and once again in defiance of protocol, in defiance of all that (those who know better say) is possible, in defiance of the experienced, and veering off the beaten track…… here is my hopeful interim remedial solution to the crime against binational Americans and their partners/spouses/children. PLEASE PARTICIPATE AND SIGN THIS experiment in grassroot power…… Lets take back the fight!! Lets wake every American conscience to the Binational Plight. We need 36,000 signatures. CLICK HERE – http://www.change.org/actions/view/special_visa_for_binational_lgbt_spouse-perma-partners
Kathy Drasky
December 28, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Melanie,
Thank you for all you’re doing to keep the need for equal immigration rights for same-sex binational couples and support for the Uniting American Families Act (UAFA) in the public eye and on the media’s radar. If there are indeed at least 36,000 of us out there, we need to show the world with 36,000 signatures to this petition and 36,000 letters sent to Congress each week through Out4Immigration’s Letter Writing Campaign also on Change.org: http://www.change.org/ideas/view/equal_immigration_rights_for_same_sex_binational_couples (see the “Take Action” column on the right and click).
Upcoming grassroots efforts for Comprehensive Immigration Reform are going to be extremely well-organized. Immigrant rights groups across the US are going to flood Congress with letters and postcards. They are talking 1 million contacts. Because of this, they are going to be heard. If we as same-sex binational couples can only muster a couple hundred signatures, we will not be heard. It’s really important if you are reading this, you tell at least 2 others about Mel’s petition and Out4Immigration’s weekly letters. Follow the links. Make our voices heard.
Melanie Nathan
December 28, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Thanks Kathy – You too a relentless force in this struggle. Keep up the amazing out4Immigration work. You are right about the 36K hence a bold strike trying to getting as many. We have to find a way for this to go viral. As far as the petition is concerned it is unique in the way that its purpose is to draw attention to the URGENCY of the need. I have people who I communicate with who may not live long enough to see the change in the law; I have had people committ suicide over the issue. So although from my perspedctive the letters are critical; what is even more critical is the statement that waiting for UAFA or CIR – is necessary and crazy at the same time.; It emphasizes also the fact that our lives are not mere tools for play.
Rig
December 28, 2009 at 4:40 am
I am a US Citizen who have been living in Indonesia (the most populous Moslem country in the world) for 5 years now so I can be with my partner who happens to be a Chinese-Indonesian. We have been together for almost 10 years now. We have spent thousand of dollars for the legal fee while my partner was still in America but he still had to leave in 2003. I sold everything I had, my home and abandon my career and left my dear family and flew to Indonesia 5 years ago. I could not bare the separation any longer. Call me stupid or whatever but I have found my love after 34 years and not planning to trash it due to immigration discrimination. I hope one day whoever discriminate us do not have to face the same thing we are facing.
It is not easy to be a gay couple here, not many people know about us even my partner’s family only know me as his roommate. We have to be very discreet due to our safety and I could loose my job. I feel like my country do not see me as it’s citizen. I was born in America and have been paying taxes all my life but look what I get.
We are trying to move to another western country which are more tolerant to gay people but it’s gonna take some time since we have no job offers or any relatives there. We are hoping and praying every night that soon there will be some changes in immigration, so that we can go back to America.
This is our 10th Christmas together but I am also sad because we can not celebrate it with my family in America. My parents are in their late 60s now and I know they miss us a lot especially this time of year but we can not do anything about it but pray to God that soon we will be able to celebrate Christmas together again. I believe one day and soon we all can be together with the love one. Keep your spirit high and do not give up because God is good, and keep writing to your representatives and just keep fighting for our rights . Happy Holiday to you all from half around the world from both of us….
Melanie Nathan
December 28, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Rig, You speak for so many and thank you for posting your story here. All these stories must be told. The stories are our only weapon. If you want your story featured in this column please send me an email to binationals@privatecourts.com and we can communicate via e-mail. It would be an honor to publish it with more exposure. That said, I am so sorry for your suffering. You should not have to endure any of this because of love. Please also can you go to ,my Petition on change.org and sign it if you are agreeable – if you have friends in the US and extended family get them to sign it too. Please keep in touch anyway so you can let me know how you are doing. In solidarity, melanie. petition is at
http://www.change.org/actions/view/special_visa_for_binational_lgbt_spouse-perma-partners -
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Tom
December 27, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us Melanie! This column is a great idea – the more personal stories out there about this issue, the better. This is our best weapon in this fight. Thanks again writing this column and continuing to show how many families are affected by our broken immigration system. Here’s to making 2010 the year we finally achieve victory!
FAEN
December 28, 2009 at 3:44 am
Tom,
It would be a miracle if 2010 were the year we were treated with fairness and equality but I dont have my hopes up. The Dems are trying to hold onto power. Were expendable…as always. I am curious though about Chuck Schumer’s bill. I hear it’s a lot more moderate and has a better chance of passing than the
Gutierrez bill.
Carla
December 27, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Mel
wishing you all a peaceful holiday. Our collective experiences will one day be seen and heard. They must! And with our determined and compassionate advocate Melanie Nathan at the helm, the leaders are bound to bend, maybe not today, but they will.. we must tell our stories.. I have living in hell for quite a while , but nothing will take my hope away. All those striving for civil rights throughout history have had these sad stories to tell. But remember one thing, there are many politicians who champion our cause. They can not do it alone. If we stay hidden, no one will know or see. I, myself had no idea there were so many of us, until I was forced to see and ask for for help. Mel.. thanks for being the only advocate who helped us from the beginning and never let up. Carla
Melanie Nathan
January 7, 2010 at 2:00 am
I never saw this before Carla, – Thank you for your kind and warm words. Working with People like you make it so worth while. You have done an exmpllary job on your own and have helped lead me in some good directions. WHat a team.
Ari Amir
December 27, 2009 at 1:10 pm
My husband and I met and fell in love in Israel 9 and a half years ago, when we were both in our very early twenties. We lived together in Tel Aviv as we were both pursuing our Bachelor’s degrees, Nir in pharmacy and I in opera. When I realized there is no way for me to launch a career as an opera singer in Israel, I opted to move back to my home town, New York. We have subsequently been maintaining a trans-atlantic relationship, waiting for the day when the US, like other countries, will recognize our Connecticut marriage license and allow me to sponsor my spouse in the same way I could if I was a straight man.
I thank you, Melanie, for writing this letter, and hope that it, along with our community’s other letters and petitions, may enable factual, if not literal, equality for couples like us.
FAEN
December 28, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Ari, I’m sorry you and Nir are in such an awful position. I understand the frustration. My suggestion is to look into Canada. Their immigration laws are a lot more progressive. At least that way you’d be closer to your parents.
Melanie Nathan
December 28, 2009 at 1:12 pm
While Faen suggests Canada – and it may well be a good idea- I get really grouchy when w ehave to look at other Countruies as our solution. It is simply unacceptable. Even if one does, it is not easy to get into other countires for permanance – even Canada is no slam dunk. Perhaps Americans should seek asylum in other Countries – that may wake the Obama administration into realizing the abomination. The inability to be with one’s beloved is tantamount to torture! It breaks one’s heart!
FAEN
December 29, 2009 at 5:52 am
Melanie, I couldnt agree with you more! It pisses me off too but like I stated earlier, after 10 years we just dont have much fight in us left. Canada, if it works out, and who knows if it will, provides us with a life where we dont have to wake up every day with fear. That to us is priceless.
rachel wahba
December 27, 2009 at 2:36 am
melanie…to think you and dor and the girls could have been separated is a horror story…and that you have saved others from such a fate is miraculous. that you have managed to do more for the couples you mention than “our” organizations seem able to accomplish is not surprising, sad to say.
having grown up stateless i cherish my american passport —however had i been a lesbian in l966 i don’t know what would have happened… would i have had to leave the usa when my student visa was up …and be sent back to my stateless exiled parents on my red cross papers?
by the time i came out and married my us born lover it was not longer an issue for me. i was already an american citizen. but it was by marrying a him and not her that i got american citizenship.
and the beat goes on. go girl, and by the way, your pictures of dor and the girls are gorgeous.
love,
and inshallah, this will change —and binational gay/lesbian couples will no longer suffer this outrage. in america. the america i dreamed of being a part of my entire childhood and teenage years so long ago…that will always feel like just yesterday.
xoxox
rachel
Melanie Nathan
December 27, 2009 at 4:32 am
Thanks Rach, I appreciate your support and encouragement so much, mel
David Scott
December 26, 2009 at 1:01 pm
It should go without saying that a person should be allowed to marry whomever they choose. Until the right-wing, religious fanatics in this country stop trying to control everybody else and force their “morals” down the throat of the country, there can be no real freedom in the United States. I invite you to my web pages devoted to raising awareness on this puritan attack on our freedom: http://freethegods.blogspot.com/2009/06/san-franciscos-gay-pride-parade.html
Dor
December 25, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Nobody knows as much as I do how hard you have worked for our family and the community, Mel. Your passion for this cause is undying and as your wife, I know how much you put into this work. I am not sure that people really know how creative and brilliant you are, you seem to have the gift of a light like no other. Okay maybe I am prejudiced because of us, but to me you are the Gay Messiah.
Carla
December 27, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Dorit
I fell the same way about your Melanie!. I call her the patron saint of bi-nationals. I will never forget the day in April when I called her. And she said something no one else said to me.And I called hundreds of people. ” I think I can help”.
And boy did she! I hope to meet you in NYC one day…
Carla
Melanie Nathan
December 25, 2009 at 6:28 pm
My friend Lisa S, asked me to publish this from her email to me: ” Melanie-
THANK YOU for drawing my attention to your letter, which I found to be not only deeply touching but also very informative in helping me to understand the issues that I readily admit had little awareness of. You are spot on when you wrote “”This situation, Mr. President, is hardly known by mainstream America …” Know that I will do what I can to erode those barriers of ignorance in honor of you, Dorit and your family.
In Human Rights Partnership,
Lisa ”
Thanks Lisa, this means so much to me – the word must spread to compassionate communities. Imagine not knowing this gors on in our own Country. To approx 90k-200,000 couples – no way to call the numbers accurately.
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Glenn Becker
December 25, 2009 at 3:13 pm
No one matches Melanie for firm eloquence marshaled in aid of a deserving cause.. Persistence will triumph eventually. That is our history, not just a declaration of faith. Credit will go to those who respond to this injustice, none to those who ignore it.
Melanie Nathan
December 25, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Glenn, Thanks for your support – However when it comes to eloquence I declare you number 1.
N C
December 25, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I am sadden by the couples that are seperated at this time of joy and happiness mean’t to be with your family and friends. I find that even when a spouse is able to come and be with their family over the holidays, they are forced to leave behind other family or vice versa due to financial constraints put on them due to the situation. I am happy that your family is able to live and be free of fear and be togeather as it should be. I myself am in the same position as you were and many other couples are. Do you ask your spouse to make a choice to live depending on others for support (spouse), break the law to live here illiegally, take former children away from their other parent, or do you follow the rules as us, and live in constant good-byes, and seperation imposed by our current laws. I am so happy that this Christmas my family is togeather for the holiday season, and I hope and pray that others are as well. To the families that are seperated I am sorry that you are going through this, and I have to believe as our current President has said, “Yes we can”. Please don’t give up hope and may your holiday, and life be blessed with happiness.
Melanie Nathan
December 25, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Thanks for you care and great comment. It is exhausting living the way you do. Something must change and I hope that by next Xmas there will be consideration given to his disgusting state of affairs…
FAEN
December 25, 2009 at 1:59 pm
My partner and I have been going through this now for about 10 years. We are beyond emotionally spent. This issue has become so enormous in my life that I am unable to switch off and not think about it. It has brought on severe depression. I DID have hope that with a Democrat in the White House and the Dems controlling the Senate and the House that something would get done. Surely they would be better to us that the previous administration. My hope is gone. I feel more betrayed by President Obama and the Dems. They wanted our votes and we gave it to them. Now, as ususal, were being thrown under the bus. The only alternative is to move to Canada because in all honesty I dont see the President or the Dems lifting a finger to help us any time soon.
Melanie Nathan
December 25, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Thank you for visiting and commenting; your situation is simple unacceptable. I understand how dibilitating this can be. I hope you write your member of congress and senator and if you have already done so, please do it again. If you are still in the USA, you can pseudonyms and inform them that you are living in hiding and fear. The information must reach your representatuve over and over again. Also be clear how it affects the American partner as well. If you want your story featured anonymously in this column please write my email at nathan@privatecourts.com – If you are planning Canada you should still share your story. Even if you give up for yourselves, please keep the advocacy and your fight – you MUST be counted. Thanks for commenting here, it is much appreciated.
Jaba Shah
December 25, 2009 at 5:03 am
Yes, I agree. The President really does need to do something. It amazes me how some issues are just put off or ignored. I am in a similar situation and me and my partner are forced to live apart because of visa issues. My partner is a US citizen and while I could have added to the tons of people who live there illegally, I chose to move back when my visa came to an end as we are the tax-paying and law abiding section of society. It just amazes me how, even then, we bear the worse brunt of government policies or non-policies in this case. Living away from the woman I love is nothing but painful. She is my family and I hope that the President and people will have some compassion and pass the law quickly that supports keeping families together and give us the basic rights of having a family that we deserve as humans.
Melanie Nathan
December 25, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Thank you for your comments. Yes is it not absurd that the law abiding citizens are so prejudiced. That said, I have to say that those that have chosen to remain in USA, contrary to the law are equally heroes – because most of them have something preventing them from going back to Country of origin – such unable to support themselves, fear of a family member or parent whi will not accept they are gay, nowhere to live abroad, persecution in their own coutry. The American partner often cannot leave to go with them, so they choose to overstay and status becomes undocumented. These people are suffering enormously. They cannot work, they live in fear and some even get detained and deported with ten year bans. Many of these binationals have no idea how to get legal help or cannot afford it. The difference between them and other undocumented people in the US is the fact of inequality – because in all our LGBT binational cases, had the American been of a different sex, they would have had a law keeping them togethr in the US.
So I never judge those wh are unable to exile and even consider them courageous. I also admire those who are able to exile and continue to speak for change. Thanks so much for you comment and please keep visiting because we will feature two stories per month until UAFA or 1,666 years of stories have passed…melanie
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