- Stay Connected
Connect With Us
Outing My Father
5-30-10 Rachel Wahba;
I had no intention of OUTING MY FATHER; I expected the usual ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ dance. One Sunday, we went together to my father’s chosen synagogue, a place where unlike my modern Temple (gay SHAAR ZAHAV, San Francisco) prayers were chanted in the old Egyptian tradition.
We did a lot of things together since my mother died the year before. We were there to view a video that had been smuggled out of Allepo revealing the suffering of the Jews trapped in Syria. This ancient Jewish community was now under house arrest, forbidden to work, and barred from leaving the country.
Attendance at my father’s Synagogue was dismally scant for the viewing and when it was over, I approached a small group of people, still taken by the lack of interest in social action and this issue. Surely the rabbi must know his congregation showed up for prayers, alone and not social action.
I whispered quietly “Go to Shaar Zahav you’ll get the people there.” How the rabbi, overheard me is a mystery. The two words “Shaar Zahav” threw him into frenzy and he practically flew from the back of the room into our faces.
“DO NOT GO TO THAT PLACE! THOSE PEOPLE ARE NOT “JEWS”! he boomed. “THEY ARE ENEMIES OF THE JEWISH PEOPLE!”
Turning to me, he said “We LOVE your father, we are so happy to see him here every day. Why don’t you come too”?
“Because I go to Shaar Zahav” I said, I had to say it, he ASKED! He froze, his brain was unable to process the information. And then, he yelled back ,”WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE PEOPLE!” “I am those people.” “NO! NO! I DON’T BELIEVE IT!!”
“Rabbi, ‘those people’ are us, no different –every profession, all Jews…doctors lawyers (right?) I tried as he walked away. I saw him stop and thank my father for coming.
Suddenly I realized “Oh no! Dad! I outed Dad! I shamed Dad! IN HIS SYNAGOGUE.
What is wrong with you Rachel, can’t you just play the game? Outside I looked at my dad. “I didn’t mean to out you daddy,” “Its okay. Prejudice only robs us of our humanity,” he said. “Rabbi E. is probably embarrassed, but don’t worry, he will get over it.”
And he continued, “There have always been gays in synagogues everywhere. In our synagogue in Mansoura, (Egypt), we knew some were gays praying with us. But no one talked about it. It’s very sad. The difference is that here in America, there can be a gay synagogue.”
I knew then why I had been led to speak ‘out’ at my father’s synagogue. The man was a rabbi; he touched too many lives. It seemed fortuitous. I felt relieved, especially with the depth of understanding of my the Dad I had just “outed.”
Strange as this may seem, a few weeks later in a gift shop, the thirty-something saleswoman, while ringing up my “to my wife” valentine card, reflected on the wording and said bemusedly, “So you are buying this for your husband to give to you?”
I didn’t correct her. I chuckled along with her instead. I could have said in an equally jovial tone “hey, this is San Francisco, take another guess!”
My response seemed not to carry the weight of that in the synagogue, but…I could have tweaked her consciousness. I wish I had.
Tell me your stories –
The Picture: Rachel Wahba©
Kobe Synagogue I attended as a child.
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_c.png?x-id=5c2b7629-faad-4063-add0-4481bfdebce1)
11 Responses to Outing My Father
Leave a Reply
Socialize
For A Gay Friendly Get Away
Now Trending
Black Pro-Life DC Pastors Use Fear Mongering To Control Use of Abortion
Lady Gaga Sends a Message to Constance McMillen
MyHealtheVet
One Million Moms Responds To Ellen's Response To Them
Scott Walker’s Woes Go On And On
Vermont Inmates’ Practical Joke Goes Unnoticed
Casting Complete For Hobbit Movies
Obama Administration Set To Announce 'Compromise' On Contraception Rule
EWTN Files Apparently Frivolous Lawsuit Over Contraception Mandate
Defending Ellen Against One Million Momsblog advertising is good for you
Carmen
June 6, 2010 at 11:25 am
Your courage is very inspiring. Thank you! Keep the stories coming.!
LOrion
June 4, 2010 at 12:34 pm
So naturally well done. This is the best way to ‘out’. To let someone who already knows you or your family know ‘the secret.’ Then they must be the one to accept or not, not you. These 180 gut wrenching turns work. I worked in SF with a gal whose fiance was in the navy, We ‘knew’ him for at least a year before he got leave, and came to pick her up at work one day. (This was in the 60′s).. he was black, she was white. I was shocked…and then thought, get over it, we ‘know’ him it is fine.
rachel wahba
June 5, 2010 at 5:44 pm
thank you LOrion….the mind and heart can stretch so easily when we let it….love, rachel
JD
June 4, 2010 at 4:20 am
Oh my God.. how similar is my story! This happened to me as a Christian as I outed my parents in their Coptic Egyptian church by saying I go to to an Episcopalian parish (which I do because I am gay). The priest started shouting some of the same statements your rabbi shouted.
rachel wahba
June 5, 2010 at 5:40 pm
hi JD thanks for the share — my dad would talk a lot about the Coptic Christian Egyptian community –he would say “they are the authentic egyptians” and had a lot of respect for them. and yes, any orthodoxy goes mad when they cannot control what they feel is “theirs” — i love it that you related to my story. thanks! love, rachel
rachel wahba
June 5, 2010 at 5:48 pm
JD i replied to your comment and i wonder if it went thru…i had said how my dad admired the Coptic Christians as authentic Eygptians –he identified with them bec he too was from a very long lineage of Egyptians–jews working the land in midram and then settled in mansoura. and there you have it though, we have to leave our spiritual homes for more liberal and accepting ones….always moving forward. i love it that you related so personally to my story! love, rachel
Bridgette P. LaVictoire
June 3, 2010 at 11:28 pm
I loved this. I have to admit that most people seem to be pretty certain about me being lesbian without me telling them. I’m not sure what it is. Of course, I live in Vermont, which is apparently the lesbian haven of the country. Everyone in town knows that my parents are the parents of a lesbian, or at least I believe so. Over all, I guess, we don’t worry about it much. Then again, I don’t have to worry about cards for my wife yet. I hope that changes some time soon.
Melanie Nathan
June 3, 2010 at 11:43 pm
hehehe Thats great,
rachel wahba
June 5, 2010 at 5:38 pm
hi bridgette, there it is, the “don’t ask don’t tell”— everyone knows but….and its that”but” that is so important to unpack…i remember my mom telling me “just don’t talk about it” –we all have different degrees of tolerance for DADT….next piece will be about mom…she was so afraid if people knew they would shun me in the jewish community, and “feel sorry” for her. she was an amazing proud woman, and she outgrew these fears and realized a different reality before she died. she was amazed at her ability to change feelings and thoughts she thought were in her dna! thanks , love, rachel
Melanie Nathan
June 3, 2010 at 11:00 pm
This is wild who ever thought of applying the term in this way and it is truly an “outing”. I like = retrospectively wish I would have the courage to OUT my Parents especially when I needed to deflect the reprimand.
rachel wahba
June 5, 2010 at 5:42 pm
melanie yes…
i was less concerned about outing my mom than my dad…its interesting, i felt i had to protect him, especially in his synagogue. and his response was so loving….mom was a challenge, and a five year struggle before she let go of her shame based fears.