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The Real L Word: Recap Episode 1

06/21/2010- by Natasia Langfelder

Lesbians worldwide rejoice! There is a new L Word in town the Real L Word. Now there is lesbian drama with 100% less actors and writers being employed! Yeeeessssss. I had the privilege of attending the HRC screening of The Real L Word at Shy Lounge on Long Island last night and I can safely say that this show looks awesome and Illene Chaiken is almost completely redeemed. I will be recapping the entire first seaon of the show for those of you who don’t have Showtime or simply want to have a good laugh.

The show opens up with each of the cast members sitting on a soundstage talking about their first lesbian experience. Rose starts off by saying she doesn’t remember the name of the first girl she slept with (join the club) but remembers the feeling of having a breast in her mouth and wanting to have it all the time! Yay! What kind of show is this? I’m scared and excited!

Next up: Nikki: You might remember Nikki from her several appearance on Oprah as a married woman who came out later in life. I would tell you about her first sexual encounter with a woman but I’m too busy trying to figure out if she has an eating disorder or not. My conclusion: yes.

Jill: Nikki’s partner of about 1 year compares it to the first time she lost her virginity to a man. She seems boring but very normal. My guess is that she will become one of the most relatable characters on the show for the more romantically stable of us.

Tracy: Tracy looks like a Victoria Secret model. I’m distracted. Oh she didn’t have sex with a girl until she was 26, she’s 29 now. So she hasn’t been swimming in the lady pool for very long.

Whitney: Whitney is a hot girl with long dreds. When Whitney was 9 and her female companion was 11, they decided to get romantic with each other. A 9 year old lesbian’s idea of romantic is smearing her lady’s boobs with sour cream and fruity pebbles in the hope that it would be like whipped cream. This draws a ton of laughter from the crowd at Shy Lounge.

Mikey: Mikey looks like blonde Shane. She was ‘literally eating pussy the first time I had sex with a woman and it was awesome.’

Credit time! The theme song is nice and mellow. You’ll probably like it.

Whitney opens up the show saying, ‘I love women not in a douchbaggy way,’ which basically means that we are about to see Whitney being a douchebag. Whitney says that she is dating and sleeping with a lot of girls. She is driving to the airport to pick up some friends, including a girl she wants to sleep with, Sara, who are visiting her in LA. The girls decide to go visit some mutual friends at Alcove for lunch. One hot girl wearing a 7 dwarves ‘workin in the mines’ hat laments the lack of a good butch girl in LA. She’s sick of the ‘femme, femme, femme, futch’ scene. (For those of you who didn’t watch A Shot of Love With Tila Tequila, Futch is a word coined by Dani Campbell, it means a femme butch.) Whitney, who used to live in NYC, says that LA girls lack the ‘working hands’ of NYC girls and that in LA people are just more attractive than they are other places. She’s right, which is exactly why I and my ‘working hands’ will stay in NYC. Sara and Whitney have a moment, kind of cute, but they both ditched their partners really recently and now they can hook up. There is something off about it. Whitney tries to get Sara to consider moving to LA.  

                Cut to Nikki and Jill. Nikki brings her own water into restaurants. They have been together a little over a year and are now planning their wedding. Jill doesn’t want them to sleep together the night before the wedding. Nikki says she can’t sleep without her…bitch how did u sleep the other 39 years of your life that you didn’t know each other? No one is buying your line. Jill says that Nikki is her everything. The girls explain that they met in summer camp when they were children, Nikki was Jill’s brothers first girlfriend. They lost touch for 25 years and reconnected on a camp website, they’ve been together ever since. My girlfriend is officially banned from any camp websites or reunions.

Jill says she and Nikki are normal and family oriented. Nikki gives her a pedicure (gross) and she says that she is the ‘straightest gay person’ you will ever meet. Soooo…the rest of us are what? I want to like these two but they aren’t making it very easy.

Mikey is a gay man trapped in a lesbian’s body. Also, she’s a softie but she will fuck you up. She runs a PR & Marketing firm that produces fashion related events. She makes a reference to swinging her schlong around if she were a man. Then cut to her interview saying she’s attracted to really feminine women. Really? No shit?! We quickly meet her girlfriend, Raquel, who is a beautiful make-up artist. They both work 12-14 hour days pretty frequently and are career oriented, but they do their best to make time for each other. They are sweet together. It’s great to see two such goal oriented women on t.v. I officially have a favorite couple. They met 11 years ago when Raquel tackled Mickey in a lesbian bar, Mikey says she thought Raquel was a tranny and Raquel tried to choke her out. It’s hard to tell if they are kidding or not.

Tracy is skateboarding down the boardwalk half naked. She considers herself a late bloomer. She meets a friend and says some boring things. Now she is home and in her bra and underwear. Something tells me she’s going to be half naked for most of the show. Also, Tracy has a little dog. Tracy is latina and she admits that her mother does not accept her sexuality and they avoid the issue. Aw, sad. Poor Tracy, she seems like a nice girl. But she makes me never want to drink a beer or eat a pizza ever again. Tracy also mentions she is turning 30 this year and is ready to wile out.

 Now we meet Rose, she opens by saying “For one girl who says no, there are 10 girls that say yes, you just gotta find them.” She walks up to the line of girls outside the gay bar and offers them roses, they look surprised and uncomfortable and say no. It’s kind of embarrassing. Rose looks too old to be doing this shit. She’s in real estate. She says she came out a lot later than others, which means 19/20 to Rose. Considering we just heard that Tracy came out at 26, this doesn’t seem too young. She also says that she would have been in a 10 year relationship if she wasn’t a bad girl…I don’t know what that means? That she’s 30? I would have guess 45, especially with her 60’s hair style. She’s stuffing dollar bills into some professional dancers undies.

Back to Whitney at Fubar. Whitney brings her best friend Scarlett and her date Sara to the bar, where they promptly run into Whitney’s recent hookup Romy. Whitney says hi and Romy runs away from her. Despite the fact that Romy literally ran away from her, Whitney decides to track the poor girl down and rip her heart open on television, in front of every lesbian with a t.v. Romy cries and wishes she never hooked up with Whitney. Whitney says she ‘hates this right now.’ Which doesn’t make sense. We also learn that Whitney has a reputation for fucking around. Scarlett says Whitney hurts a lot of people even though she genuinely cares for all of them. She thinks Whitney is polyamorous.

Back to Rose: she’s in a relationship. Really? She’s with a cute blonde chick named Natalie. Natalie is a lot cuter than Rose. Natalie looks down, her new name is Shawty. Rose should count her blessings.

Back to Whitney: She calls Romy to ask her why she ran away from her and apologize and basically make sure they can hook up the next time they see each other. Then she goes to sleep with Sara.

It’s a new day! We are back with Nikki and Jill…nooooo. They are both on their mac’s planning their weddings. At this point, people in the bar are wondering what these ladies do for money, like work and stuff. Who knows? Nikki wants to wear a Gucci or D&G suit so they don’t look like twins walking down the aisle. Jill wants Nikki to wear a dress. Still don’t like them.

Tracy is in a relationship with a woman named Stamie. It’s lasted for three months. Stamie has three children and Tracy is already a co-parent after three months. Wtf. Stamie cracks jokes about her ex and about not dying after a breakup and having three kids. She’s funny but she also scares me. Run Tracy run!

Mikey is at work! She is auditioning models for LA fashion week and the casting isn’t going well. Mikey finds out her new intern screwed up and calls the agency sending over the lame models to tell them she wants experienced models. The agency flips out so Mikey flips out back. Someone at the bar yells Bitch at the screen. Mikey is not a bitch! She’s just a strong businesswoman dammit!

At Whitney’s apartment, she reveals she lives with her ex-girlfriend (from 10 years ago) and her ex’s new girlfriend and five dogs. Sara is cooking for a party Whitney is throwing. Whitney explains about Pants and Pumps. The Pumps are the girls who wear make-up and wear heels and Pants know how to ‘swing a hammer’ and are ‘the ones in control.’

Now we go with Rose to her grandmother’s house. Rose and her mom argue all time but the rest of her family is cool. Everyone accepts the gayness. Rose reveals her last relationship ended with her needing a restraining order. Which is why they all love Rose’s current girlfriend, Shawty. Shawty comes over to spend quality time with Rose & the fam and the fam loves her and she loves them! Then Shawty mentions having children and Rose looks like she wants to sink into the floor and die.

Back to Mikey and Raquel. Raquel is sitting in the kitchen starving because she needs Raquel to feed her. Raquel thinks it’s funny and yet not and lays down the law.

Whitney’s friends explain to her that she has the power of the clam. Whitney’s ex tries to explain why Whitney hurts women. Whitney says she’s not a player but other people call her one. Her friends admit she has good intentions because she likes everyone she hooks up with, but the girls want a relationship with her. What Whitney’s friends are missing is that no one is special to Whitney and all these girls want to be special to her.

Back at Mikey’s, she tries to get her lady into bed by telling her to pretend she’s Jackie Warner and Raquel is Jillian Michaels. It works. They are so cute! Raquel embarrasses Mikey by telling us that futch Mikey isn’t always the top.  

Jill and Nikki meet with a wedding planner. They won’t commit to a price range for their budget and insist the wedding planner come up with one on her own, the wedding planner looks confused. Honestly, this whole scene is confusing. As a former event planner, I don’t think I would want to work with these two women. They aren’t going to be happy, this is my prediction.

Rose and her girlfriend Shawty are going to Crown bar. Whitney and Tracy are also going, what a coincidence! (None of these women are friends as of right now) And Tracy is in her underwear again. Yeeessss. Shawty is laying down the rules to Rose before they go out. Everyone is partying Tracy meets Whitney and there is instant chemistry. They are both trying not to suck each other’s faces off. Sara is jealous. Especially since Whitney won’t tell Tracy she and Sara are kind of on a date. Now that Whitney has a new potential, she is ignoring Sara. Whitney and Tracy decide to go get coffee sometime. Now Sara is full on angry. Whitney doesn’t understand why and she takes her to the bathroom to talk about it. Whitney is walking drama. Now we all understand why Romy was crying my guess is that Sara will be crying pretty soon too.

Outside the bar, Rose picks up a girl and Shawty tells her to stop and not be an asshole. Rose admits she used to be a big cheater and changing is hard. I really don’t believe that Rose is the player she makes herself out to be.  If you want a player, see Whitney. She makes Shane look like a loser. Sara is into Whitney 100% but she hates the player aspect of her girl. Whitney turns the situation around and makes Sara feel like the asshole. Whitney is scared of making herself vulnerable and puts walls up because she doesn’t want to get hurt or be exposed. And there it is.

Now we watch Whitney and Sara have sexy times intercut with Shawty and Rose having sexy times. The lesbians at the bar are now screaming at the tv.

It’s the morning after and Sara is leaving. Sara puts on make-up before she even gets out of bed and Whitney says that they are more than just sex and their relationship has been taken to the next level. Whitney says lust is easy love is hard, lust is exciting love is scary. Whitney drives Sara to the airport and they make out with their designer sunglasses grinding against each other. Sara gets on the plane…but what is Whitney doing? She’s checking out the plane landing schedule…wait…she’s picking up another girl. End scene!

So what did you think? I loved it. Whitney, Tracy and Mikey are my favs. Stay tuned for my recaps and stay on top of the drama!  

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