- Stay Connected
Connect With Us
Excluded – a Bi-national Couple Living as Nomads
Melanie Nathan – 7-27-10 - Meet Tony and Thomas. They are an average couple. Deeply committed to each other, sharing a life of love, laughter and adventure. Fighting all obstacles to stay together for the past sixteen and a half years.
From a pale hotel room in Cambodia, they tell their story. From a low-rent apartment in San Diego, they tell their story. From a couch in East Berlin, they tell their story. It turns out that they aren’t so average after all. They are gay, yes, but unlike most couples, their life together is threatened because they are from two different countries. Tony is American and Thomas is German. As a gay couple, they are excluded from immigration rights in the US. And in this exclusionary law, their story begins.
They met and fell in love in 1993. After a year and a half traveling through Africa and the Middle East together, their lives were joined. Permanent. Committed. Both in their early twenties, they couldn’t imagine that equal rights for American gay men and lesbian women would be too long in coming. So, they started stringing together temporary solutions to their immigration problem.
First, a student visa. Thomas gave up his career in banking in Germany, and settled into a new life as a Community College student in San Diego. To stretch out his time on the visa, he took class, after class, after class. Seven long semesters, making a round-about path to an AA. He was proud to graduate as Valedictorian when he finished his Associate’s Degree. But that meant his time was up.
In the meantime, they have tried every possible avenue to allow Thomas to stay in the US legally. They formed a gay and lesbian political organization to fight for rights for bi-national couples. They tried to find a sponsor for a work visa for Thomas. They entered Thomas in the Green Card lottery every single year. Sitting in their tiny apartment in San Diego in 2002, Tony and Thomas tell us about all of these failed efforts.
One thing they don’t tell us about is when, out of desperation, they considered a fraudulent marriage to a woman. It is Laurelle, their long-time friend, who tells us about this. She shares her willingness to marry Thomas, her devotion to her dear friends, to do anything to keep them in the country. But the risks are great. More daunting than facing prison, deportation, and enormous fines, if Thomas married Laurelle, they would all three have to live a lie. Briefly, for a fleeting few weeks, these risks seemed like they might be worth it. In the end, it is Tony who says no.
So, Tony and Thomas embark on their next strategy for staying together: moving to Germany. But before they go, they have to say goodbye to their life in California. Tony’s mom Freda and step-dad Ken are heartbroken. But brave. We meet them in their living room and they tell us their story. They too are a bi-national couple.
Torn from their family in California and battling to come home, they can only wait outside its borders, hoping for equal rights to be granted. Now, at age 40, they live their lives as nomads, perpetually traveling the world. They have little left but the road. And an angry kind of hope. Follow their 16-year journey of immigration struggle and exclusion.
A Film chronicles this horrendous inequity and the journey of this couple; Directed by Prof. Lisa M Nunn, PhD Director/Producer of “Excluded” Professor of Sociology, University of San Diego. In a comment to lez Get real Professor Nunn said, “I am glad to hear that you think the movie might be a useful tool for education and advocacy. Please do keep in touch. I know how much it means to Tony and Thomas to hear from people who truly understand their difficult situation. Thanks for your encouraging words. ”
Watch the movie online for free at: www.excludedthemovie.com
and follow Tony and Thomas on their travel blog as they roam the world: www.contemporarynomad.com/blog
Per Melanie:
PLEASE Ask Congress and Obama to support UAFA (The Uniting American Families Act) as a stand alone BILL in this small window of opportunity. It is time to show why RELYING on being included in CIR is tenuous to say the least. There is plenty of evidence at this TIME to prove this…. Also please how about a special VISA -? See my Petition and SIGN. (Change.org – Melanie Nathan Special Bi-national Visa Petition)
By, Melanie Nathan
nathan@privatecourts.com
Related articles by Zemanta
- Launched- Citizen Non-Citizen – a Stunning Account of Immigration Inequality (lezgetreal.com)
- A Heart Breaking Life with No Hope for Americans Caused by Gay Rights -Lame US Congress (lezgetreal.com)
- SCREAM: President Obama Act Now for Binational Same Sex Couples (lezgetreal.com)
- Immigration Reform Framework -Inclusion of Permanent Partners Angers Hispanic Groups (lezgetreal.com)
- New Breakthrough VIDEO: A Year Since Shirley Tan Gave Testimony at Senate Judiciary for UAFA (lezgetreal.com)
- Excluded a Bi-national Couple Living as Nomads (pinkbananaworld.com)
- Understanding the Flip Flop – Congressman Gutierrez and UAFA in Immigration Reform (lezgetreal.com)
- The State of California Passes Historic Resolution in Support of UAFA Same-Sex Couples Rights to Immigration equality (lezgetreal.com)
- Excluded – a Bi-national Couple Living as Nomads (lezgetreal.com)
- SF Weekly – Stunning Report on Same-Sex Couples & Immigration Plight (lezgetreal.com)
- Immigration Reform Proposal – Mentions Intent to Include Permanant Partners (lezgetreal.com)
15 Responses to Excluded – a Bi-national Couple Living as Nomads
Leave a Reply
Socialize
For A Gay Friendly Get Away
Now Trending
Black Pro-Life DC Pastors Use Fear Mongering To Control Use of Abortion
Lady Gaga Sends a Message to Constance McMillen
MyHealtheVet
One Million Moms Responds To Ellen's Response To Them
Scott Walker’s Woes Go On And On
Vermont Inmates’ Practical Joke Goes Unnoticed
Casting Complete For Hobbit Movies
Obama Administration Set To Announce 'Compromise' On Contraception Rule
EWTN Files Apparently Frivolous Lawsuit Over Contraception Mandate
Defending Ellen Against One Million Momsblog advertising is good for you
Melanie Nathan
July 27, 2010 at 12:54 pm
You guys – Tony and Thomas are cute- both commenting at the same time- sounds like a long term marriage to me. I want to thank you both for what you are doing and for the manner in which you have brought this to the attention of the community. A special thanks to Prof. Nunn for her dedication and getting this to me. Also the other Angels out there the 2 in NYC especially. The One in WV, and the other in FL, and the one about to leave for Canada – you all know who you are and of course those who have commented.
The challenge is getting this more into the mainstream. CNN recently did a small piece. SF weekly did a piece and California recently showed it supported UAFA by passing a resolution.
Thomas and Tony thanks for coming on the site and acknowledging the comments of the particular people – maybe you can put a link from your site to this piece so people can view the extended world of many more Bi nationals especially those trapped in exclusion from their lovers.
I also have a Binational column – if you click on columns above you will see many a story including my own-
http://lezgetreal.com/2009/12/a-binational-xmas-wish-in-a-letter-to-president-obama/
Please keep the dialogue going and readers please follow the Journey of Tony and Thomas
Britta
July 27, 2010 at 11:20 am
Thank you all for commenting and sharing. It is so important we all (gay or straight – but especially the LGBT community) show our support and solidarity in this fight for equality and civil rights in our binational plight. I am happy many more binational same sex couples have chosen to share their personal stories, and I am convinced those stories will finally make a difference. Most of all I don’t feel alone anymore; I feel embraced by those that can relate and understand the struggle we face on a daily basis by being EXCLUDED. So, from the bottom of my heart I thank you for your courage to share as well as standing up for love and the fight for justice. In the end love, truth and justice will prevail!
Tony
July 27, 2010 at 7:38 am
Hi Everyone,
I’m Tony, the Tony in this article, and I just received this link from Professor Nunn, the director of the film. Thomas and I have seen our life together summarized endless times – and this is the best summary by far! Clearly, Melanie Nathan really watched Excluded and took in every detail. Thank you so much, it means a great deal to us. And, I have one little happy detail to add. As of July, we have been together for 17 years
It has been 6 months since we filmed the last portion of Excluded in Cambodia.
I read through the comments and they are as meaningful as the article. FAEN, I hear exactly what you are saying and I have definitely been there myself. There have been periods during the last 17 years when I thought bitterness and anger would overwhelm me. I have been so desperate at times that I thought I would go crazy. You know what saved me? Many in my family are fundamentalist Christians who would love to watch my relationship go down in flames. Thomas and I have channeled their hate and our desperation into the creativity that has allow us to survive. Most of these “Christian” relatives are now divorced, by the way.
That is not to say that creativity can solve all problems, because it can’t. Many devoted binational couples we have known along the way have been forced to separate because the challenges were too great. We have encountered horrific situations, including one in which a partner faced death by stoning in his home country.
Jennifer White spoke of the fear that binational couples feel. That fear is well justified, and it is not limited to couples who choose to stay in the US illegally or enter fraudulent marriages. Even binational couples who enter the country with proper visas are at risk. Every single time we enter the States, even on a simple visit, we are at risk because the US government views the foreign partner in a gay binational relationship as someone who is more likely to stay illegally. We have known multiple binational couples who have been detained at borders or airports when it was discovered that the pair was indeed a gay binational couple.
Thank you, Nancy C for acknowledging that we have had to work hard to stay together. That is SO true! Sometimes, it feels like our entire life focus has been about how to stay together. That’s a lot of pressure for one relationship.
To devoted binational couples who read this and who feel desperate, remember one thing: you have been given the gift of understanding what a relationship is truly worth. There are so many people out there who divorce over petty differences. The big problems we go through every day give us the perspective we need to laugh at the little problems. I sometimes wonder if our struggle is what has given us the strength and perspective to stay together for so long.
Tony
ContemporaryNomad.com
Tony
July 27, 2010 at 7:58 am
If it sounds like I am repeating Thomas’ story above, I am. I was working on my computer in our hotel room and he was working in the hotel restaurant. I didn’t know that he was writing a comment to Lesgetreal.com, and we both ended up mentioning how terrifying US borders can be for binational couples. I guess that confirms that it is really a scary process.
Thomas
July 27, 2010 at 6:50 am
Hi,
This is Thomas from “Tony and Thomas”. Thank you all for your support and your encouraging words. When I read through the comments, I was really moved, and suddenly, I don’t know where it came from, this scene from the past just popped into my head.
We are back in the U.S. to visit. Actually, not quite back. We are in the airport. Tony has already gone through immigration. He waits 10 yards away from me in the U.S. while I stand in line waiting to be admitted. Our eyes meet, I’m scared, then I look down to the ground. I don’t want the immigration officers to think we know each other. Then the dreaded question: “What is the purpose of your visit?” I hate that question. I want to say that I’m here with my husband of 17 years to visit our family, but instead, I have to pretend to be a lonely vacationer. I feel like a criminal. Then, when I’m through immigration, I feel completely drained.
Tony and I have crossed so many borders, but the U.S. border is still the scariest crossing yet. I’m looking forward to the day when I can stand in line, wave to Tony and yell “Hi, honey!”
Thank you again and keep up the fight!
Carla
July 27, 2010 at 5:12 pm
Thomas and Tony
One day, one day, and then we will meet.
Keep the faith. We will all fight for you and Us all
Carla
Anthony
July 27, 2010 at 2:03 am
“An angry kind of hope” I don’t think there is a better way of saying how most of us feel!
Nancy C
July 27, 2010 at 12:38 am
Living in a Bi- National relationship takes a lot of work. These two have proven that you can stick it out even in non conventional circumstances. They will forever be living in this type of situation until our laws are changed. It takes a REAL relationship with a good foundation, true love, and a commitment that both parties must be dedicated to. The one thing that unites all bi national couples is the fact that they are unable to live where they want. Everything else is up to the couple to figure out. I feel very sad for these two, but I applaud them for proving that there love will keep them together even if they can’t live in the country they love.
Melanie Nathan
July 27, 2010 at 12:29 am
Jennifer thanks for coming on here and sharing so emotionally ; you have expressed it in a way that maybe some one especially in the lGBT community – who has been ignorant to the issue will take note. I look forward to the day when we are all able to take on someone else’s cause and not just our own. I have always felt that the Binational plight is the worst of all LGBT inequity as it denies the very relationship that serves as the impetus for our sexuality; yet the LGBT community and civil rights minded Americans are more focused on the other aspects of equality. Bottom line we need to change the Civil Rights act and have an ominbus. In the meantime Please give us a friggin Special Visa like the R1. Did you see my Visa Petition on change.org?
Jennifer White
July 27, 2010 at 1:03 am
Thank you Melanie. Yes, I signed it a couple of weeks ago. We do need to share the civil rights act. No group that ever won civil rights did it one right at a time. We need to learn from history and come to together for full equality right now.
Jennifer White
July 27, 2010 at 12:08 am
Being in a bi-national same sex relationship is the most terrifying thing in the world. When you are separate from your loved one you savor every moment and dread when you will be separated again. When the separation does happen it is anguish. It feels like your heart is literally ripped from your very chest. You try to strategize, you look for ways to work around the system because as gay people that is what we have always done. No inheritance rights? Okay, see an attorney and make a will, no heath benefits at work? Okay, buy extra insurance, but the immigration issue is the most sinister because it actually forces families and loving couples apart, and the system is so restrictive that it is nearly impossible for the average middle class working person to immigrate. So usually there is no other permanent visa a non citizen will qualify for, there is no “working around” the system and still doing things legally and making it work, no matter how resourceful you are.
The obvious answer might be for the American to immigrate to the partners country, but if that country is as restrictive, or worse, then there is really no hope. Not to mention other issues like if there are children, you can’t take them out of the country, if you have ever been in any sort of legal trouble most countries won’t let you in no matter how much time has passed, and sometimes it comes down to not being able to afford for the American to leave their job and move to a foreign country.
It is constant fear, it is constant uncertainty. How do you plan your life? How do you make goals? How do you build or keep a career? And if someone has to become an illegal immigrant then they can never go home, because if they do then it’s all over and they are barred from the country, sometimes for life, but at least ten years, and they cannot return to their spouse and any children they are raising.
It is hideous and beyond cruel. I feel betrayed by my country at the deepest possible level.
FAEN
July 26, 2010 at 10:25 pm
I have no hope anymore, just biterness and anger.
Melanie Nathan
July 26, 2010 at 11:35 pm
Faen always keep your voice and have it heard – its important. Thanks for commenting.
Rio
July 26, 2010 at 8:57 pm
it’s bitter sweet for me to read a story like this. always good to know that there are couples out there who will fight for their relationship against all odds jut to see it last and survive. i wish them all the best and may they see the day where they will no longer be excluded
Melanie Nathan
July 26, 2010 at 11:34 pm
Yes it is a tough situation – and each case is unique in the situation having different influencing factors. Many are unable to work through the particular circumstances that impact them.. These guys have indeed been together for 16 years.