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FOXNews Cites Reports Of Lesbian Gangs Waiting To Get Their Hands On Lindsey Lohan

07/13/10-by Bridgette P. LaVictoire
In what sounds like a plot from a bad soft-porn movie, FOXNews is reporting that gangs of lesbians cannot wait to get their hands on Lindsey Lohan. According to their reporter “Lohan’s A-list neighbors will be replaced with tough guards and fearsome lesbian gangs desperate to get their hands on her.”

Citing The Sun, FOXNews ran comments from thirty-eight year old Tamara Haley who was in jail for heroine possession and prostitution. Haley stated “Everyone will want a piece of her. It will make them famous if they hurt Lindsay Lohan. Or if you get her to cry, the whole ward will laugh and people will love it — even the guards.”

Haley also had some advice for Lohan regarding her own sexuality and the lesbians inside the prison “The gay inmates wear their shirts inside out to let others know they are available.
So if Lindsay doesn’t want someone to grab her ass she’d better keep her shirt on straight.
Women grab each other like animals when the guards aren’t looking. It’s disgusting.”

Um…ok, you just said. . .ow, my head hurts from trying to get through the contradictions in that statement. So, people will attack and grope her anyway, but she should wear her shirt a particular way so that they won’t grab her, but women in this jail will grab anyone like an animal? Who wrote this, Joe Eszterhas?

Lohan will probably be kept in segregated housing which is where the worst offenders are. This will be for her own protection. Haley stated “She’ll be segregated from the general population but where she’s going it is even worse. It’s the wing where the murderers are. I don’t think they will actually be able to get to her, but you never know. At the very least some of those hardcases will try to scare her. They’ll scream stuff to her from their cells. I’ve been in segregation and it was rough. The lights are on the whole time. You hear people screaming all night long. The cells are filthy and kept brutally cold. You get one tiny blanket and that’s it. There’s an infection going around now. You can barely sleep at night from all the coughing. And there are girls with body lice.”

Are the inmates also encouraged to “maintain poor hygiene,” “organize no holds cat fights,” and “sexually harass new inmates” ala Futurama? So, is The Sun a tabloid, a broadsheet, something that the reporter found stuck to the bottom of his shoe? It is hard to know just how accurate this particular story is since the original source material is absent.

None the less, it sounds like the plot for the next soft-core porn film from Penthouse.

Addendum:

The Sun is a tabloid usually found by the side of the checkout in stores.  Which just makes this story even more dubious.