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The Real L Word Recap: Episode 4

07/12/2010- by Natasia Langfelder

It’s Monday morning and you know what that means, it’s Real L Word recap time! This week’s episode explores what the definition of sex is. It seems that the question the ladies will be answering this week in the confessional style interviews is, “What is the difference between sex with men and sex with women?”

Mikey starts off, saying there is a huge difference between having sex with a man and having sex with a woman, one she doesn’t like and one she likes. Whitney is up next saying that lesbian sex can be whatever you want it to be and that’s why it’s so amazing. I completely agree with Whitney and this montage should have stopped here. But it doesn’t, Jill is up next. She points out that women have hands and mouths. Nikki says that women aren’t one hit wonders. Tracy says that lesbian sex is when two vaginas rub together and they don’t catch on fire. Ouch? Mikey says “Listen, it’s a lot of work.” I love Mikey, she speaks the truth. Rose chimes in with, “There’s a connection between two women, its sensuality.” Whatever that means. Then she says “That’s the reason why your girlfriend will leave your ass for me.” No Rose, that’s the reason their girlfriend will leave them for Whitney. Not you.

We start off at Mikey’s place, where she is packing to go to Vegas for work with her assistant and her intern. She is sad to leave Raquel because they never made up for their missing V-day. Raquel can’t accompany them to Vegas because she has to work.

At Chez Jill n’ Nikki- They are having two dress designers come to their house to show them materials and sketches. Nik says that the wedding isn’t legal but it’s still going to be their only wedding. Jill wants a simple elegant dress; she makes a crack about wanting the body in the sketch. It’s impossible to get skinnier than Jill or Nikki. Those women are sticks. Nik says that she has changed her mind about wearing pants; she’s going to femme out and wear a dress. Jill says that she is a poor writer and needs to know the cost of the dresses. Nik says she’s been more successful than Jill so they can afford the wedding. Also, her middle name is Gucci.

Now in Alyssa and Whitney’s body shop, Whitney says she stayed with Romi but they didn’t have “full sex” because oral sex exchange is full sex. Alyssa is sad that her cousin’s heart is being broken and tells Whitney she wants to kill her for making Tor sad. She tells Whitney she needs to have a discussion with Tor. Whitney doesn’t want to mess anything up in the future; she throws out the possibility of not hooking up with Romi.

At Casa de Rose, Rose is helping Natalie with her resume. Natalie does hair but she wants to move on and expand. Rose doesn’t know what address Natalie wants to use, hers or her moms. Natalie points out she lives with Rose. They argue about formatting the resume. Rose says they don’t agree on things outside of love and that she always gets her way. Yes, this is a great relationship.

Now we cut to Mikey’s car- she is driving to Las Vegas with her very straight and very young intern and assistant. One of them says that her five year anniversary is coming up and Mikey suggests she give her boyfriend the gift of coming in her eye. The other girl says that she does that on the first date already so it won’t work. 5 year anniversary girl seems mortified. Has anyone else ever noticed Mikey’s HUGE Jesus tattoo? Now the two girls don’t think that oral sex is sex and that lesbians can only have sex with a strap on. These girls annoy me. Mikey says she thought that if you have an orgasm or if you are being penetrated, that’s sex. I agree. Now they call Raquel to find out what sex is. Raquel says that straight sex is different from gay sex, but that strap on sex is definitely sex but not fingerbanging.

Tracy and Stamie are looking at a house with Stamie’s business partner. They are in real estate and Tracy is confused about her future and is thinking about real estate. Stamie admits that her comedy isn’t paying the bills and at 29 she became an adult and got her real estate license. Stamie’s business partner doesn’t understand what girls mean when they say they have slept together. He thinks that means they cuddled. Stamie says he’s right.

Mikey and her straight girls are checking into a kickass suite at the Luxor. They got an upgrade probably because of the show. There is a pool table and the suite is too large to even show at once. Mikey is sad that the room is so great and she can’t share it with Raquel. She gets a call from Raquel and Raquel says she got a flight to Vegas to surprise her. Mikey is so excited she tells her straight girls to find a wedding chapel and Mikey bounces away happy that she’s going to get married. Apparently, Mikey doesn’t know that same sex marriage is not legal in Vegas. Silly Mikey, weddings are for straight people. The straight girls take to the phones and find out that there is only one chapel in Vegas that will do a commitment ceremony. They begin to realize that maybe it’s hard to be gay. Mikey starts drinking herself into oblivion. The girls book Mikey and Raquel an appointment to get hitched at 11 o’clock. They celebrate then Raquel calls because she missed her flight because she left her purse at home. Really? Mikey doesn’t get upset; she wants to support Raquel who is having a meltdown. Mikey reveals that on 9/11 she was set to be on the flight from Philly to LAX, which went down. Her whole business was on it and she lost everything in that sense, but she lived because she missed the flight. She thinks that things happen for a reason, especially missed flights. Maybe that explains her Jesus tattoo? She tells straight girls the wedding is off. She’s sad.

Whitney decides to come clean with Tor. They have a confusing conversation where Whitney says things that don’t mean anything and Tor is angry because she knows she’s being played. Poor Tor feels stupid and like a fool. Whitney smiles like an asshole through the whole conversation. Tor knows that Whitney wants her cake and to eat it too. She says she’s not going to let Whitney douche her around anymore, but she probably is. I hope she doesn’t though. Run Tor run! Run before you become Romi, who runs and cries all over LA and then ends up showing her boobs on camera.  

Back at Chez Nikki n’ Jill, they find out their dresses will cost over $6,000 each, together $13,000 for both dresses. They are crazy if they didn’t know that building a dress from scratch was going to cost at least that much. I’m beginning to doubt that Nikki’s middle name is Gucci. Girl talks the talk but can’t walk the walk. They tell the designer in an email that if she doesn’t lower the price they can’t work with her. Nik goes over wedding planner cost, she was originally charging them 9,000 but Nik got her down to 7,650 by knocking off some services. Nik points out that they are already 25,000 in the hole. They call the wedding planner and said they want a million dollar wedding for a dollar. Gucci lover says what?

At the Luxor, Mikey and the girls are at a trade show wheeling and dealing. Raquel is supposed to show up in a few hours. Mikey needs to hustle because she still has slots at her show to fill. Raquel calls Mikey and says she can’t make it to the show. Now Mikey is pissed and is having trouble concentrating on networking. Then she sees Raquel and she’s a little pissed about being lied to and the games that she was playing. Raquel tells her to calm down and not to be upset. Too late.

Tracy and Stamie meet for lunch. Tracy admits frustration with her job, which is stressful. She wants something new. Stamie has ideas for Tracy that don’t involve real estate. She knows that it isn’t the best path for Tracy. She has invited a print agent and a commercial agent to come to her comedy show to meet Tracy. Which is really nice. I’m sorry I called you creepy, Stamie! I’m so sorry! Okay, no I’m not.

   In Whitney’s driveway of perversion, Miranda is working her out hardcore and Whit is trying desperately to flirt with her. Whit hopes she’s not coming across as desperate. Whit invites Miranda to go out with her that night; she doesn’t tell her it’s a girl party. So if Miranda is straight, it will be awkwardish.

Mikey is over her anger, she excitedly shows Raquel the suite and they play a game of strip pool. The assistant starts out in the room, but leaves quickly after Mikey and Raquel’s bras wind up on the wet bar. Instead of getting naked, Raquel offers Mikey a plea bargain, she won’t have to get naked on camera if she tells Raquel she is the winner and then gives it to her the way she wants it. Mikey is very very happy to do this. Mikey says she is the dominant one but Raquel says she is. The girls then get into robes and take a bubble bath, with strategically placed bubbles. No Romi-esque nudity, sorry ladies.

Back at Casa de Rose, she is in real estate finance which is a crazy market right now. She needs an assistant. She considers making Natalie her assistant, both women are wary of this and it’s probably a horrible idea. But they will probably go ahead with it anyway.

At Chez Jill n’ Nikki, the girls call the wedding planner and say they will only hire her if she brings her price down to 7,000. Basically, they want to knock off $650. Gucci has left the building. After that ultimatum, Nik freaks out and calls her back and says they will pay her whole fee. Nik blames Jill for the cheapness freak out, but it was more like both of them. Awkward. Nik says she doesn’t want to “produce” her own wedding. Who produces a wedding? You plan a wedding. Producing makes it sound like a business arrangement…

Now we are at a stand-up comedy club! It’s Stamie, will she do her creepy humor or will she be funny? Surprise surprise, she’s funny not creepy at all! She talks about her ex-girlfriend; they were together for five years. Her ex has a new French girlfriend, so she’s teaching her children to say Bonjour cuntface. Tracy is a little uncomfortable, but it’s actually really funny. Ok, Stamie is growing on me. I admit it. Stamie says that Tracy is beautiful and should be on camera and introduces Tracy to a commercial agent and print agent. Tracy is a little uncomfortable, but Stamie wants Tracy to know that she has a lot to offer. Which is very sweet. Tracy says she’s never considered modeling, but maybe she should try it. The real question is, how could she NOT have ever considered modeling.

Back to Whitney- Miranda meets Whitney and Tor & friends at the club. Romi is inside waiting for Whitney. Whitney doesn’t leave Miranda’s side. Miranda says she has relationships with men but has slept with women. Whitney is very happy, because it means they will probably hook up. Romi gives Whitney a WTF look. Whitney is confused about Romi being upset over Miranda. Romi says she wants to be with Whitney and Whitney is really mean to her. She says she’s not her girlfriend and doesn’t owe her anything. She calls Whitney dramatic. Whitney is over it, because she doesn’t want to hook up with Romi right now, when there is a new shiny toy to play with. Tor and Whitney leave the club and Tor says she doesn’t want anything to do with Whitney. She thinks that Whitney made her bed and now she has to sleep in it. Whitney is screaming at Tor in the car over Romi. She calls Romi dramatic and says she is done with her. Way harsh, Whit. I’ve kind of liked Whitney despite her player ways because 1) I wouldn’t sleep with her, 2) its amusing; 3) she seemed like a good person. But I like her way less after this little meltdown. That was really, really mean.  

Mikey and Raquel are in bed at the Luxor (fully clothed). Mikey tells Raquel about her surprise wedding that she missed. Raquel thinks it was kind of romantic. They make funny accents and are cute. But basically Raquel wouldn’t have gotten married, but she would have gotten laid. Mikey says she wants to marry her, Raquel balks a little and Mikey amends it with “I know we are too busy now, with our schedules and everything.” Raquel says in an interview that she has never loved someone so much and would love to marry Mikey someday. I make it a policy not to read or watch anything outside the show, about the show, because I like to be surprised as it goes on. But I did catch a little short on Showtime, where Mikey says that she and Raquel were together for a few years, then Raquel left her for Jesus and then they reconnected. So now I’m a little wary of Raquel, she’s not as perfect as she seems. So I’m not quite as gung-ho about them as a couple as I was.

Next time on the Real L word: Sara is coming to town! Whitney will have more sex! Mikey doesn’t have a stage for her show! Rose has strippers all over her, because you know that bitch has to pay for that shit. Whitney needs to give her lessons. Or at least knock her down a peg.

So what did YOU think? Love them, hate them, don’t care anymore? Leave your thoughts in the comments! Why? Because I care what you think

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