The Real L Word Recap: Episode 5

07/19/2010- by Natasia Langfelder

In this week’s little pre-show interview, producers ask the girls what a ‘100 footer’ is. For those of you who don’t know, it was a phrase Ilene Chaiken and her friends used, put into the L Word and made it part of our vernacular. Now they are asking real lesbians if they know what it is and truly, life has come full circle. Nikki and Jill don’t seem to know what it is, Jill says it sounds like a sandwich. Mikey suspects that she might be a 100 footer (I would say she’s more like a 75 footer). Whitney thinks she’s a 50 footer. Tracy says 100 footers might be wearing a flannel shirt and Birkenstocks. Rose says it’s very “San Francisco 1970’s” BAM take that Ilene. Tracy says who even know if someone is a lesbian anymore. They could be a hipster or German. She says “We like to play that game, German or Gay” Um no Tracy, I’ve never heard of that game and I’m guessing you play it with creepy Stamie.

First up to make an ass of herself on television is Whitney. The Whitster is packing to go to San Francisco to visit Sarah. She’s excited to leave LA because both Tor and Romi are mad at her and she “wants to leave the girl drama behind.” Whitney, you BRING the girl drama. Whitney is packing wearing only her bra and jeans and when she turned around, we can see that she has two eyes on her lower back. It’s actually incredibly not sexy. It reminds me of Ace Ventura Pet Detective when Jim Carey literally talks out of his ass. It’s too bad because sexy is really what Whit has going on for her. Tor says that she is done with Whitney. But she’s probably not. Scarlett is also going to San Fran with Whitney. Whitney says that things get debaucherous in San Francisco. Is that a harbinger of tales to come? A foreshadowing of stories yet to be told? Probably, y’all. Probably.

At Casa de Rose, Rose is pissed that Natalie hasn’t quit her job and come to work as her secretary yet.

At Chez Nikki & Jill, Nik is feeding her dogs what looks like homemade dog food. They worry that the event planner won’t work with them, but then she calls and she would love to work with them! They celebrate with matching cries of yay!

Mikey is at work. I’m a little distracted because of her hair…she seems to be rocking a lesbian version of the Snooki Jersey Shore Poof. The back of her hair looks more teased than usual. Mikey’s production guy, Ian, is trying to find them a new stage to produce their show on since they were bumped from their old one. They show them the parking lot, they try to smooth the blow by saying “Dexter is filmed here” and “You can have disco balls and a tent.” Mikey can’t afford the tent right now, it’s a 15 grand tent and that’s half of her total budget. Ian suggests Mikey go find another sponsor.

In Whitney’s car, Whitney tells Scarlett that Alyssa says Sarah and Whitney have no chemistry. Scarlett says Whitney and Sarah have the MOST chemistry. Then Whitney reveals that she is very worried she might get her period. If I was her, I would be more worried about getting herpes. She wonders if she can just stand on her head and keep it all in because she has a lot to do in San Francisco. She also says that she has earned her red wings.  

Back to Rose, Rose’s dad has a lesbian friend who is getting married. So cute. Rose’s dad wants to take Rose and Natalie to the reception so maybe Rose can get on board with the getting married thing. Rose and her dad discuss how hard it is to find love cards that don’t have male/female symbolism on them. Rose’s dad wants Rose to smooth things over with her mom for the sake of peace in the family. Rose says that her mom calls her ex-girlfriend and that bothers her. Rose’s parents divorced before Rose was born. She was raised by her grandmother and her dad. It’s a nice detail that makes Rose slightly more likeable.

At Chez Nikki & Jill, the designers who they wanted to custom make their dress won’t work with them, because they are cheapskates. They decide to go to a store in Melrose to look for dresses, which is what they should have done in the first place.

Whitney is checking into a hotel in San Fran and she asks Scarlett why her eyelid looks like a saggy vagina. Scarlett helps Whit with her makeup so that her eye doesn’t look like a vadge. Scarlett doesn’t call Whit butch because it makes her upset, so she calls her either a hard femme or a soft butch. Whit is going to the Flourish Party where Sarah will be go-go dancing. Scarlett is not going because her ex is a promoter for the party and she’s making an adult decision to avoid drama. Has anyone else noticed how cute Scarlett is? She’s adorable.

At Tracy’s apartment, Stamie friend requests Tracy’s parents. Tracy seems a little horrified. Stamie knows Tracy wants to be able to talk about her personal life to her mom, who avoids all talk of lesbianism. Tracy says her parents recently divorced and her dad got remarried to someone younger than his youngest daughter. Grroooosss. Tracy has little to no emotion when she says this. Jeez girl, get mad or something.

At the latina lesbian wedding reception, there are balloons and salsa dancing! Natalie can’t understand the directions that Rose gave her and is yelling at her over the phone. Rose says she is disrespecting her in front of her dad, but how can her dad head what’s going on over the phone? Rose calls Natalie “retarded” and “stupid.” The girls argue in the bathroom. They go back out to the reception and sit by themselves. They are the only ones not dancing.

At the Flourish party, all of Whitney’s friends are there! Jack, Julia and Taylor! Taylor is freaking everywhere. This girl must just drive around looking for lesbian parties. Sarah is dancing on a stage by the ceiling in what Whitney calls “a lace onesie.” I would call it a lace catsuit. Whit likes Sarah because she’s not desperate like Tor or Romi. Whit is worried that Sarah will pick another admirer to go home with, because there are many.

At Casa de Rose, Natalie apologies and doesn’t want to upset Rose further. She goes to bed. Rose is still mad that Natalie ruined what could have been a good night.

Back in San Fran, Sarah has been released from her dancing duties. She goes back to Whitney’s hotel. They go for a swim and they chase each other around the pool in a fit of hormones. There are tons of girls (including Taylor) in their hotel room. So they go to the bathroom and into the shower to hook up. People want to go to the bathroom, but they can’t. The girls turn on the shower and Sarah gets naked, modest Whitney keeps her undies on. Taylor and Scarlett tell them to cut it out and get out of the bathroom.

At Mikey’s fucking workplace, Mikey is so fucking upset that they need to get another sponsor. Her and the S girls get on the phone and start trying to drum up some extra fucking cash. Drinking game idea: take a shot everytime Mikey says fuck. You will get plastered.

Tracy is packing up some clothes to pose for a photoshoot for lesbian magazine Bound. She is thinking about getting into modeling (Stamie told her to?) so this is a good move for her. Tracy calls her mom, she says she got the flu from Stamie’s kids. Her mom says “oooo yeah I think I need to take a walk! Drink fluids! Bye!” It’s actually kind of sad. Tracy wants to be able to talk to her mom about her life, not superficial things. Dude, then grow some balls and tell her she’s hurting your feelings.

Nikki’s mom is going with her and Jill to the wedding dress shoppe. Nik finds her dream dress. It looks very nice on her, except she’s being strangled by a flower. Also, this dress is almost half the price than the custom made one. Then Jill tries on a dress, that is nice except for the neckline, which is asymmetrical and looks like a bedsheet. Jill knows this is not the dress. Nikki and her mom tell Jill it is. Jill wishes her mom was there. Nik buys her dress, Jill doesn’t.

Whitney and her friends are having dinner. Jack is there and she has a very soft porn star voice. Taylor is gone, probably partying somewhere at a lesbian bar near you. Sarah tells a story about how her and her friends used to go down on each other for fun. They made one girl cry because they wouldn’t go down on her because she had pubic hair. Jack doesn’t think women can have sex like men. Sarah says she can have unattached sex. She says she can have passionate sex with someone and then it can be over the next day, no feelings. Whitney is sitting there looking sad and hurt. She says she has done that to other people, but she doesn’t want it to happen to her.

At Casa de Rose, Rose is up to no good. She likes to have “bromance” dates with her friends. She is getting them a hotel room and strippers for the date. She doesn’t feel bad about this because Natalie was a bitch to her so now the bromance date is her punishment. Sweet little Natalie comes in, kisses the dog and apologizes again to Rose. Rose isn’t having it. Rose looks guilty and happy at the same time. Why is she so happy that she has to pay to see tits? She’s such a loser.

Whit takes Sarah out to a bar. Whit tells Sarah she likes her. Sarah says she doesn’t want to rush their relationship. Whit still looks like a sad puppy. It’s a TRICK Sarah! Whitney says in her little confessional interview: she says that she doesn’t put herself out there unless the other person likes her more than she likes them because she doesn’t want to be rejected, she says as she’s saying this, she realizes she does this to girls.

At casa de Rose, Natalie is going to work to resign from the hair salon so she can work with Rose. She wants Rose to be there for her. Rose decides today is the perfect time for her bromance date. She looks at strippers on Facebook. Who knew there were strippers on Facebook?

Tracy goes to the Bound photoshoot. Tracy finds out it’s for the cover! Ooo exciting. There are going to be three other girls on the cover as well, but we aren’t introduced to them. I think that Jill Bennett and Cathy DeBuono are also on the cover. Why didn’t the cameras talk to them?! Tracy imagines her mom’s reaction.

It’s Whitney’s last day in San Fran, she goes drinking with Sarah and her friends. They reveal that they are going to move to LA in a month! They need another roomie, Sarah asks if Tor can stay with her. Scarlett laughs, Sarah asks why that’s funny. Sarah doesn’t know that Whit and Tor used to bang. Honestly, I don’t think Sarah would care. To Romi and Tor, Whitney is their goddess, Sarah seems like she has quite a lot of irons in the fire. Whit says in her confessional “Why don’t Romi, Sarah and Tor all live together! They are all make-up and hair artists they will probably have a lot to talk about!” Mikey is back in her fucking office and god they need another fucking sponsor! Mikey scores White Trash Beautiful (Ritchie Sambora’s line) signs onto LA Fashion week with Mikey and they can now afford the tent! Yay! And I’m sure Showtime had nothing to do with it! Mikey says “Holy Motherfucking fuck!” Yes, she said it. I kind of love her.

Rose’s little protoges pick up Rose for a night of strippers and beer. These girls are like 21 and Rose is like older. Natalie calls Rose and Rose blows her off because she needs to go get cash for the strippers. Rose reiterates that because Nat was mean to her, she has a free pass to motorboat strippers. Rose checks into the hotel with her protoges and beer. More of Rose’s classy friends show up. Then the strippers come, they look hard. Rose and her friends roll around on the floors and the couches with the strippers. Rose says she’s not touching anyone because she doesn’t want to get in trouble. She says she’s being a saint, then she has four boobs on her head. Rose says she’s about to have an orgasm. The strippers get paid and leave and Rose swears her bros to silencio. Rose, listen to me, if you are paying for it, you aren’t a player, you are pathetic.

Tracy goes home to Stamie and says she’s a little more excited about modeling. Stamie doesn’t like her hair and won’t say what she has been up to all night. They say they missed each other.

Rose goes home. Natalie is lying on the couch with the dog, Rose literally throws the dog and he barks, like in a cartoon. Natalie knows something is up because she didn’t hear from Rose all day, even after work was over. Rose defends herself, but she’s smiling and lying. Run Natalie, run! Take the dog with you!

 Whit is leaving San Fran. Anyway, now that her dream of Sarah moving to LA and being with her can come true, Whit decides the whole thing was stupid and doesn’t want to be with Sarah like that anymore. The sad puppy dog eyes are gone and the old Whitney is back.

Next week: Tor and Whitney argue. Rose says even though she partied with strippers, Natalie can’t. Mikey gets plastered and fucks up a work event.

So ladies, tell me what you thought of this week’s episode in the comments!

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