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The Real L Word Recap: Episode 7

08/02/2010- by Natasia Langfelder

Soooo…The Real L Word is officially porn. Yes, you read that right, porn. Before we get to the porn, we need to talk about what question the girls are answering in their “before the show” interviews. This week, the question is about toys. Whit opens this one up, she has a lot. Surprise surprise, “Dear upcoming lesbian, u looking for a sex toy?” She likes giving strap-on sex, so does Rose. Jill is too embarrassed to talk about it and that’s the way she was in the store too. Nikki isn’t embarrassed, she loves them. Mikey has swings. Tracy was confused upon entering the store. I’m getting the feeling that Tracy is confused a lot. It took me awhile to peg Tracy, I think she just might not have too much going on upstairs. Mikey cautions against putting toys in the dishwasher (check the box). Her advice to other lesbians? Stay committed, it is super expensive to change girlfriends and need to get all new toys. Sage advice from our poofy haired career woman. Using toys on multiple partners is a great way to spread disease. Ahem, this topic will pop up again later this episode.

We start this episode at Mikey’s fuckin workplace, where she’s fuckin workin. Fashion week is five days away and as usual, they all have a ton to do. Mikey and the S girls are having trouble with the RSVP list. One of the girls is kind of fucking up and they are getting complaints from the attendees of fashion week. Now, the attendees of the event don’t pay to come, they are vetted to make sure they are ‘important’ and then invited to the event. The people who pay are the designers, who pay Mikey to produce a show where they can get exposure to the people they want to see. Therefore: RSVP list equals important. Also important? Wiping down the lunch table, which Mikey does while the S girls probably check their gmail. The S girl that didn’t go to NYC is being too slow with the RSVP list.

It’s the afternoon at Chez Nikki and they are sitting around with their dogs, doing a crossword puzzle, then Nik’s designer friend from hell enters. Designer friend from hell, also known as “Snowball Dan” is bent on torturing Jill. Jill & Nik are hosting Passover Seder, it’s their first one as an engaged couple and they want to impress their friends who will be in attendance. Dan is there to whip their humble chateau into shape. Snowball Dan says that the space is “dead” the walls look like “mud” and the window treatments came with the house. He knows they did, in hell they know a lot, they watch mortals there. He calls them old Schmatta rags and that they look like they came from a hospital suite. He wants them to get a new rug. Jill protests, Nik just wants the place to be perfect. A glass chandelier, Nik suggests. A glass chandelier it will be, Snowball Dan hollers. Little do the ladies know he plans to install a cursed chandelier from hell.  (No really, I swear. Keep reading)

Rose goes to visit her Grandmother, who isn’t feeling well. Rose is scared, because she is attached to her Grandmother and doesn’t know how to deal with her potential health problems. Rose and her mother are fighting, because they are too much alike. Rose knows it bothers her Grandmother and she wants to stop, but she probably won’t.

At Stamie’s Shack o’Children, little Daughtry, Jagger and Nikko are at the ex’s house, so of course Stamie invites her psychic over to read Tracy. Because that’s what we all do on boring nights when the kids are out. Stamie’s psychic has apparently been able to predict all of the big events in Stamie’s life. Which is why Stamie was surprised she broke up with the woman she had surprise twins with? Stamie’s psychic is crazy, she starts reading Tracy and goes into convulsions. Tracy says “I expected her head to start spinning and green shit to start spewing out.” Me too. The psychic says what we have all been thinking at this point, that Tracy be tougher on her mom about accepting her because in the end her mother is the one that is hurting. Being an intolerant person can be seen as an illness, the psychic gives Tracy’s mom five months until her attitude blows up in her face.

At Whit’s Palace o’ Porn (I’ll explain later) the girls are gearing up to go paintballing tomorrow. Whit makes a bet with Tor, whoever loses at paintballing gets to strap it on and top the other one.

At Chez Nikki and Jill, Snowball Dan sent over a glass chandelier that looks like a giant crystal and yellow phallus. The girls have never seen the chandelier, the girls watch it go up. Jill is horrified and for once I agree with her. Nik is psyched about the monstrous size of the chandelier…from HELL.  

It’s paintballing time! Mikey says Whit called her and invited her paintballing and Mikey in turn called Rose and invited her and her bromance posse paintballing. I call bullshit, Showtime set this up, it’s too much like the basketball scene in The L Word. But the women are at their most likeable during this scene, so whatever. Rose shows up and we have never seen her next to Mikey and Whit. Suddenly, they look tiny. Rose and Mikey have known each other forever, 7 or 8 years. Rose says “We go way back like…” neither of the ladies can think of something witty to place there, so Mikey does a little dance and says “bomp bomp bomp” and Rose lets the sentence trail off into oblivion. Whit calls Rose an amazon powerhouse and the leader of her bromance posse. Whit puts Tor onto the Rose Bromance team. Rose is gracious about taking the baby koala onto her otherwise buff, athletic team. Rose says they all know how to shoot because they grew up in the hood. Then she says just kidding. But perhaps…she wasn’t. Those bromance girls party pretty hard, I wouldn’t put anything past them. Whit is leading the second team and tells everyone about the strap on bet. Tor does a baby koala dance.  Whit calls her team the bad news bears. Despite Team Bromance looking good, in the end only Tor and Whit are left on the battlefield. Whitney shoots Tor and wins the game and the bet. How symbolic. If only Shakespeare and Dickens had been able to use the kind of symbolism that comes along with paintballing.

Tracy is still reeling from the psychic reading. Tracy calls her mom during her lunch hour to push the gay issue. Tracy wants her mom to come out for her 30^thbirthday and meet Stamie. Mom doesn’t want to meet Stamie. Tracy says that her and her mom had a “handshake agreement” that they wouldn’t talk about lesbian stuff. Tracy tells her mom she wants to reneg on that. Her mom says that she isn’t comfortable with it, she can’t help how she feels and she bets a lot of other moms feel the same way. They do, but that doesn’t make it right, plenty of moms are very happy with their lesbian daughters. Tracy is finally putting her foot down and it’s great! Her mom suggests that the lesbian thing is still a phase. Tracy says no. Her mom says that she needs more time, because the five years she’s had isn’t enough. Tracy is done with “babysteps.” Tracy tells her mom she wants her to be included in all parts of her life, not just 90% of it. Which is a nice way of putting it, I suppose. Her mom says Tracy need’s to put herself in her mom’s shoes and that her phone is dying and she needs to go. The easiest way for Tracy to get her mom to stop the BS would probably be if she stopped talking to her until she accepts her. But it doesn’t seem like that is a step Tracy is ready for.

At Chez Nikki and Jill the girls are talking Seder dinner for Passover. The men are still trying to install the Chandelier from Hell, when it falls and almost cuts the workers faces off. Jill is in shock and was scared the workers  or the dogs could have gotten killed. Nikki is mad because the chandelier is ruined. O Nikki, it was the ugliest chandelier I’ve ever seen. I didn’t even know they made ugly chandeliers. The workers postulate to Jill that maybe it was too heavy. Jill calls Snowball Dan and wants to nix the chandelier, Dan and Nik suggest it was a faulty one. Nik backs Jill up to Snowball Dan, but she still “needs” it to be in their house.

Whitney and Scarlett are heading to the toy store. Whit wants to buy a strap-on to use with Tor because she explains “It’s a very personal thing and you don’t want to use the same one for everyone. It would be like some guy not washing his dick between having sex with two girls.” Scarlett wants to pick out something sparkly and pink. Whitney says no, she needs one that speaks to her. Scarlett is there to provide Whit with the bottom perspective. Scarlett suggests a big black one. Whit says if she was a guy she’d have a giant cock. They pick one and grab some lady lube. Whit tells the salesgirl she’s turning her on in a bromance way. She’s been hanging out with Rose too much. Whit goes home and collects on her bet with Tor. Tor has never had strap-on sex before. Poor baby koala. I don’t want to think about Tor having sex at all, she’s too cute and little.

At Rose’s house, Rose needs to rally Nat and get to the hospital because her Grandma is in the hospital with pneumonia. Rose is scared and sad and picks on Natalie because she’s upset. They go into the hospital and Rose says to Nat, “I need you right not…I need you not to be a bitch right now.”

It’s the morning after Tor and Whit’s strap-on sex. Whit says it was “no inhibitions…balls to the wall.” Tor says it was amazing and her and Whitney have something together and she doesn’t know where it’s going to go.

At Nikki and Jills Passover, they put a dog bone on the plate instead of the traditional Shank Bone because Nikki can’t look at bones…which is ironic. Maybe she and Jill should eat a sandwich if they don’t want to look at bones. Snowball Dan rented the girls a dining table and decorated with Martha Stewart style with lavish candlesticks, flowers and 70’s style avocado green leather cushioned chairs. It’s beautiful (?) Nik says that Jill has nixed the Chandelier from Hell, but that she’s not giving up on it.

Nikki: Jill, did you talk to Dan about the chandelier?

 Jill: No, no…why would I?

Nikki: Because it’s an issue.

Jill: Let’s not hash it out tonight.

Nikki: I feel like you need to speak to him…Jill do you think that a chandelier maker would continue to be in business if the chandeliers; were going to fall…talk to him.

Jill is frustrated. She says this is one argument Nik isn’t going to win. I doubt it. The whole scene is reminiscent of when Nikki wanted Jill to buy the wedding dress she didn’t love and have the wedding at a venue she wasn’t comfortable with. Nikki is acting like a big bully and Jill is acting like a pushover.

I don’t even think Jill is gay. Nik has said that when she saw Jill picture in the camp reunion newsletter, she wanted Jill whether she was gay, straight or whatever. Their conversation probably went something like this.

Nikki: Sooo…you ever think about being a big ol’ muffmuncher?

Jill:  No…

Nikki: You really should. You could talk to Ellen DeGeneres about it or something. You should really go for the vadge.

Jill: But I don’t want to…why would I?

Nikki: Because it’s an issue. Don’t you think that if it wasn’t fun, Ellen wouldn’t do it?

Whitney ‘would love to be lying in bed with Tor’ but she has to prepare for her white trash party. She admits that she is a little white trash, “it’s a good way to be raised, look how THIS kid turned out” she says, and does the thumb thing where she points at herself.

At Mikey’s fuckin workplace, they are down to fuckin business. Mikey says “one thing to remember in her company is that she is the boss and everyone else is an employee and when things are screwed up and she has to take care of it, it drives her nuts.” So she has to clean up the studio, despite her harsh words she doesn’t make the S girls do it. So she does it herself while fielding RSVP complaints. She realizes that Sesi is being too slow and that might be what is driving the complaints. Also, Mikey wears her sunglasses indoors a lot.

At Whit’s white trash party she tells Scarlett she fucked Tor with the strap-on. Whit is also wearing a ‘racoonskin’ cap. Romi heads to the white trash party and Whitney is worried for a second but wants to have fun at her party. So of course, she goes up to Romi and Tor and puts her arms around them both at the same time and invites them to creamed-corn-lube wrestling in the baby pool in the backyard. They make faces. Scarlett is ready to creamed corn wrestle. Whit strips down to her bikini top and Scarlett takes off her jeans. The girls go at it and the creamed corn and lube is making me want to gag just watching it. One lady is dressed as a giant vagina and is trying to coach Scarlett. Scarlett’s strategy is to take advantage of Whit’s concern for her dreds. Whit says she should have worn a showercap. Whit defeats Scarlett and sets her sights on Tor. Baby Koala looks adorable in a little gold white trash bikini and what I assume are fake tattoos. Whit takes out the 80 pound baby koala pretty quickly. While they are wrestling, Romi is in the corner getting dogged by her girl, as it is clear to everyone Whit and Tor have hooked up. Romi tells Whit that she and Tor made her sick to her stomach.

Tracy and Stamie are on the beach. Tracy tells Stamie her mom will love her, riiiight. Stamie promises to behave and not mention clam jumping or muff diving. Tracy makes excuses for her mom, like, ooo she went through a divorce. Tons of people go through divorces and still manage not to make their children feel like shit because they are gay. Stamie reveals that she has only been out to her parents for a few years (ummm…did they not know about the kids either?) and that they aren’t completely happy about it. Because who would want to tell their friends their kid is gay. Dude, what’s wrong with your kid being gay? Stamie and Tracy seem really sheltered. They are so into the ideal of family that they have accepted being treated as ‘less than’ because they are gay. What’s up with that?  

Back at the White Trash party, people are doing jello shots, playing flip cup and yelling. Then Romi decides to reclaim Whitney. She leads her by the hand to the bedroom. They proceed to hook up in the same bed with the same strap-on that she used with Tor the night before. This is where the porn comes in. They actually show the girls having sex, Romi acrobatically flips around with Whit. It’s kind of gross, who knows whether or not that toy was cleaned. Tor has had sex with men, she was in a relationship for 9 years with a guy that she has hinted cheated on her. So if Whitney did not put a condom on the toy before she used it with either girl, Romi is now having sex with everyone Tor has had unprotected sex with. It’s hard for girls to transmit diseases to each other and I’m not saying that Tor has one or that she’s dirty or a slut. I like Tor, she’s a cutie. But women who have sex with men are more likely to introduce disease to our community just because it’s much easier to contract something from a man. Whitney is being irresponsible both with Romi’s health and with Tor’s feelings.

 Also, what happened to the Romi that used to run away from the cameras? I liked her better. I also don’t understand why the scene is so graphic. Yes, there is simulated sex in shows like the Tudors and Sex and the City that is as graphic, but that’s fake. There is sex in straight reality shows, but generally it’s suggested by night vision cameras and rustling blankets. Why Ilene Chaiken would include this footage is beyond me. It makes our community look bad, it exploits us to being used for titillation of the straight community; it attempts to define us as lesbians to the mainstream because of who we sleep with instead of who we love. The Real L Word is the only reality show to go this far and it’s disgusting and not sexy.  

Tor is outside crying and getting drunk. She cries to Scarlett. They cut back to Romi getting slammed in front of the cameras and then they cut to Nikki and Jill’s Passover. The seder is light hearted and fun. They read and laugh and get the dogs involved. The seder is great, even without the Chandelier from Hell being involved. The girls intimate that they might have a little blessing next year and the guests applaud their hostesses.

At Rose’s house, she went to see her grandmother.  She’s still worried about her but she promised a friend, who is a promoter, that she and Natalie would put in an appearance at the party. Rose is still taking her emotions out on Natalie and it’s hard to watch. The girls get in Rose’s car and Rose drives them to the party.

Mikey and Raquel are out together, it’s date night! Mikey attempts to talk about work, but Raquel doesn’t want to talk about work at all. Mikey looks dazed and Raquel calls her out for thinking about work. Mikey is sorry and tries to turn it off. Both women love each other and struggle with ‘turning off’ work when they are together.

At the party that Rose and Natalie are attending, Natalie is hanging out with her pretty sister, the DJ. Rose vents to her friends while Natalie hides from Rose. Rose tells some girl that she is single. She texts with her ex-girlfriend, restraining order Angel. Rose leaves the party, doesn’t tell Natalie and drives away into the night. Natalie says it’s an unspoken rule that you don’t leave your girlfriend at a party, no matter how mad you are, if you came together.

At the White Trash party, Romi says she hates Whit and leaves the party. Whit realizes she was a jerk. She realizes that ppl were knocking on the door while they were having sex in there. Scarlett tells Whit she was being a jerk to Tor. Whit realizes that the hook up was too “in Tor’s face” and was a bad decision. Tor is in bed crying and calls Whitney a fucking bitch. Whit calls herself a piece of shit.

Natalie’s friends and her sister drive her home, Rose isn’t there and Natalie didn’t bring her keys. Rose’s phone is also off…she is probably sleeping with Angel, but Nat doesn’t know that. Nat goes to her friend’s house and tries to get her friends to understand that Rose isn’t a bad person. Natalie says that she thinks Rose believes in revenge. Rose’s friends take her home and her sister yells at her for staying with Natalie. Nat says she doesn’t care about Angel. The other girls are like “why because they are probably hooking up right now?” Nat says her mom taught her to love herself first, so Rose’s days might be numbered.

Whitney is crying on the steps of her house. Alyssa is with her, she explains how crushed Tor is and why. Both Alyssa, Tor and Scarlett have said that Whitney and Tor hooked up the night before, so Whit can’t blame this one on editing, even though she probably will. Whit suspects maybe she is the asshole.

End Scene

Next week: Rose and Whit hit up fashion week in time to watch Mikey propose on the runway to Raquel! Rose sees Angel. Tracy’s mom comes to visit.

So what did you think of the sex scene? Should they have shown it or not? Do you still like Whitney? Is Rose’s behavior justified? How should Tracy handle her mom? Most importantly, did you like the Chandelier from Hell?

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