08/09/2010- by Natasia Langfelder
Hello Lovlies, welcome to the penultimate episode of season 1 of The Real L Word. The season is winding down and producers have run out of questions to ask the ladies in their little pre-show interviews. Today’s question is either, “Do you cry during sex?” or “What do you do when a woman cries during sex?” Nikki admits that the first time she had sex with a woman, she cried. Which made sense since she was married and came out later in life, so okay. Next Rose says that she has had women cry on her after sex, and she doesn’t know what to do. Mikey doesn’t know what to do either, “Why are they crying? It’s supposed to be a happy moment”. Whitney asks “what the fuck kind of question is that? I should ask you that.” Tracy says she didn’t cry the first time she had sex with a woman, she had a big smile on her face. Nikki and Jill say that Jill cries during sex. Then Whitney gets asked if she cries when she comes and she says no and probably says to the male crew member and producer taping this, “Do guys cry when they come? Is that why they keep tissues by the bed? I thought it was for something else!” Cue theme song.
We wake up at the Apartment of Harsh Truths, where Natalie is crying over Rose and everyone is telling her to get away from Toxic Rose. Cut to Rose in her car, who is going to ‘meet’ and by meet, I mean harass, Angel, her ex. Rose has said in the past that her relationship with Angel was crazy and that she had to get a restraining order against her. So I was expecting Angel to be huge and crazy, meanwhile Angel is a pretty, thin girl, who speaks well and sounds a lot like Natalie. Angel points out that Rose and her had a toxic relationship and that Rose cheated on her a lot. Rose says but we said we would always be there for reach other. Angel says she would be there for Rose whenever something happened to her grandmother, but her grandmother is fine now. Rose says “and you’re still here,” basically trying to get back together with Angel, since she believes that Natalie is “not supportive enough” and “didn’t like the way Natalie handled the grandmother situation.” Angel brings Rose down to reality and says, “No, I’m not still here.” She calls Rose out on moving on really fast after their relationship, calls Natalie a rebound, says Rose can’t be alone and that she will never change. Rose pushes her legs up against Angel’s under the table. They walk out to Angel’s car. Angel wants to know what Rose wants and why she’s messing with her not that Angel has finally started moving on and that Rose always does this. She calls Rose out and says “it’s always about you and what you want. Go do what you do best and go back and tell your girlfriend that you just needed closure and go back to being bored with her. I know this line.” Ouch. Angel’s a smart girl. Hopefully once Natalie see’s this episode she will kick Rose to the curb.
At Whitney’s place, her and Alyssa are trying to figure out how to get rid of the creamed corn and lube pool without getting it all over the backyard. Only, Whit is hung over or sick or something. (“You might be white trash if you get trashed and have sex during a party you are hosting”) so Alyssa tells her to go relax. Alyssa says that aside from Whit’s sister and mother, she is the only one who takes care of Whit, so she holds Whitney to a higher standard when it comes to messing around with Alyssa’s family members. Tor, in an interview, says that after the White Trash Party, Whitney told her that Romi raped her. Which is really not cool, rape isn’t a word you throw around. Maybe Whitney was kidding…anyway Tor didn’t buy it because she’s not that dumb and Romi doesn’t get to comment because she has no idea she’s a rapist. “You might be white trash if you have sex with someone and then accuse them of rape,” wasn’t that a subplot in To Kill A Mockingbird? Anyway, Alyssa admits that she will always forgive Whitney and console her, even though she continually hurts Tor.
At Chez Nikki & Jill, they whine and cry over venues. But then Nikki bullies Jill and gets her way and they will get married at the crazy, ultra expensive house Nikki fell in love with. Yay! Their scene is over.
Mikey is riding her bike to fashionweek, because she’s a badass like that. The tent is up in the studio parking lot. Mikey is psyched bc this is her biggest fashion week production ever. She goes around and thanks the crew personally.
At Stamie’s shack o’ children, where we actually haven’t seen children in awhile, Stamie tells Tracy that she thanks her mom’s uterus everyday for giving her Tracy. Which is actually kind of funny and not too creepy, although it is a little gross. I met a hot fan of Stamie’s who goes to her comedy show every week and loves it, so I will give Stamie a little more benefit of the doubt. There is a Victoria Secret bag on the table and I bet Tracy looks great in whatever is inside it. Then they talk about Stamie’s parents accepting her and Tracy’s mom not accepting her and blah blah blah. Stamie and Tracy are so family oriented that now I understand their relationship a little better. It only took me all season.
Rose is leaving her house to go pick up Natalie, who is staying at her mom’s, to beg Nat to come back to her. She says “I will probably have to do some Oscar award winning acting.” Dude, if you don’t like Natalie then leave her alone. Why do you even want her to come back? Oh right, so you have someone to have sex with that you can use as a punching bag. Nice. Rose rolls up to Nat’s mom’s house and Nat actually lets her in. Natalie isn’t wearing makeup and looks as if she has been awake for days crying, basically, she looks really, really different. The first thing Natalie does is ask about her grandma. Rose admits Grandma is fine, but she doesn’t admit that Angel knew grandma was fine way before Natalie did. Natalie asks what they are going to do about…this. ‘This’ being their awful, painful to watch, trainwreck of a relationship. Nat calls Rose out on having said that she was going to go be with Angel, Rose denies that she said that. Rose took that Shaggy song, “It Wasn’t Me” way to literally. We all know it was you, Rose! If Natalie doesn’t know now, she will because there are CAMERAS that FOLLOW YOU EVERYWHERE! Despite ever y lesbian watching this show screaming, “Don’t do it, Natalie!” The girls make-up and Natalie goes home with Rose.
Back at Whit’s place, she has fully recovered from whatever it was that was ailing her and is her cheerful self. She reminds Alyssa that they need to haul the lube/creamed corn mixture out of the backyard. They need to sneak it to a dumpster they aren’t allowed to use. Showtime plays “moron” music as the two put the pool into a leaking trash bag. Instead of double bagging it, they drag the leaking bag through their backyard to the front of the house, where they have a shopping cart. Like a shopping cart from a store…as in “you might be white trash if you have a shopping cart in your front yard.” Alyssa starts throwing up and dry heaving because of the smell and the leakage, so Whit bravely does most of it by herself. Then they two wheel the leaking trash bag to the dumpster, “Time for Lube wheelin!” The girls leave the shopping cart by the dumpster and run. Too bad there is a trail of lube that leads from their house to the dumpster. Hopefully no one will investigate. I like Whitney when she’s not breaking people’s hearts and then accusing them of rape.
In Mikey’s fucking showroom, Heather Locklear and her offspring are there. Offspring will be walking in her father’s show for his fashion line, “White Trash Beautiful” and Mikey has a kind model on-hand to show the fourteen year old how to walk, while Heather Locklear flirts with Mikey in the corner. Like seriously, Heather fucking Locklear is fucking flirting with fucking Mikey. At one point, Offspring gives the ladies a look like…what the f? Then Raquel busts in with balloons and a rose and hugs Mikey and Heather looks a little pissed. But then she recovers when she is introduced to Raquel. Also, Heather Locklear did something to her face, because she looks really puffy and her skin is really tight. As Heather leaves, Mikey looks longingly at the door and Raquel hugs her and gives her airkisses.
Whitney and Scarlett are having lunch and talking about how Sara is living in LA somewhere. Whit calls Romi and Tor dramatic and now she has decided that Sara is the chosen one. Poor Tor, she’s such a cute baby koala. She tells Scarlett that Sara is going with them to Dinah Shore and that she has to tell Romi. Scarlett is friends with Romi so she wants Whit to end things with Romi and “zip it up”, since Whit wants to be with Sara. Whit says she will.
Tracy’s mom calls her and says she can’t come, but really she is standing outside her door! Yay! The two talk. Her mom, Zory, explains that is Tracy was a mother, she would understand why Zory isn’t happy about Tracy being gay. Then she says she will think about meeting Stamie, but she can’t see them hold hands or kiss because that would be too much for her. Ouch. Holding hands is too hard for her to watch? After five years of knowing her daughter is gay? Zory says, “baby steps” but the baby is already in kindergarten and running around the playground. Tracy is taking Zory to Stamie’s comedy show, which is a HUGE mistake and not fair to either lady.
Nikki and Jill are taking their first dance lesson. They are both anxious because neither of them is good at dancing. The instructor starts off teaching them a box step, Jill thinks it’s ridiculous that they are such beginners and need to start off with a box step. She says “how was I absent that day when they taught that in gym class?” Apparently Jill went to high school in the 1920s. I think the rest of us learned how to play dodgeball. Jill says the idea of two women slow dancing “feels strange to me, I can’t put my finger on it.” It’s because Jill isn’t gay. In their duo interview, Nikki says that they do not have the dance gene. Jill keeps opening her mouth to object, but Nikki doesn’t let her get the words out. But you want to know what Jill was going to say, “I can dance with men, just not with women!” That was what she’s trying to say…because she’s NOT GAY. Nikki is all like “two women dancing is just so gay.” I don’t know what that means. I don’t think two women dancing is “gay” or “strange” but I do think it’s gross watching those two little starving beanpoles rub themselves together on the dance floor. Maybe they should go taste some wedding cakes or something. The two leave the dancing lesson and decide never to go back.
Tracy is taking her mom to Stamie’s comedy show. Stamie doesn’t even know her mom is in town and Tracy knows that Stamie get’s nervous before her shows. Tracy says Stamie spends four hours getting ready for the show. She calls Stamie on speaker without telling her that mom is in the car. Luckily, Stamie doesn’t make any lewd jokes. But because Zory won’t speak into the phone, Stamie doesn’t believe that Tracy is really bringing her mom to the show.
Rose is at her grandmother’s house, so is Rose’s mom. Rose’s grandmother and aunt beg Rose to apologize to her mom. Rose does and swallows her pride even as her mom says “I forgive you for all the hurt you caused.” Considering that Rose went to live with her grandmother when she was a child means that she should be the one apologizing to Rose. It’s sad and gives some insight as to why Rose acts like a jerk sometimes. Her mom seems really selfish.
So Tracy arrives at the comedy club/coffee house with Zory and Stamie is surprised and uncomfortable. For once, Stamie is speechless. Probably because she knows she is going to talk about ex-girlfriends, puppetry of the penis, cuntfaces, and penis size. Tracy didn’t give her mom a heads up about Stamie’s comedy and Zory is disgusted. It’s also unfair, because that’s not really who Stamie is. Stamie is very family oriented and if Tracy had introduced them in a different way, I do think things would have gone better. Tracy realized that now that it’s over and too late to change.
Fashion week is here! Mikey’s event is starting and everything is going great…until the lights in front of the red carpet go out and no one can get their pictures taken on the red carpet. Mikey’s electrician sucks and she runs in her sunglasses, in the dark of night, and eventually fixes it herself and the celebrities can get their picture taken.
Tracy has invited her sisters, mom and Stamie over for dinner. Stamie is going to find it hard not to hold Stamie’s hand or show her any affection in front of her mom. In typical creepy Stamie fashion, she make a joke about scissoring Tracy in front of her mom. Tracy thinks that is her mom could meet Stamie’s kids, everything will be ok, because she will see that Tracy can still have the American Dream.
Whitney and Romi are on a date. Whit says she is there to be honest about her motives. She tells Romi that Sara is moving to LA. Romi seems a little pissed, she’s also wearing an orange dress and isn’t as hot as usual. Whitney is being vague about her relationship with Sara. Romi and Whit say that they have gotten to the point where they can all be friends. Whit says in her interview that she should end things with Romi, that she should end things with somebody! Then she tells Romi that she wants to have a baby. Romi laughs harder than the comment calls for and says “That’s why I love you…cuz why not?” and it’s awkward. Whit is feeding Romi a line of BS, saying she’s very maternal. Whitney says she will get Romi pregnant at Dinah, Romi says “me and a lot of other people.” So maybe the girl finally gets it. Whitney says “The truth will be revealed at Dinah Shore,” ah prescient Whitney, she must be able to read creamed corn lube the way the gypsies of old used to read bird entrails and tea leaves.
At Fashion week, Heather Locklear, Nikki Lund and Mena Suvari are on the red carpet. Mena calls Mikey out on wearing sunglasses at night, indoors, by asking her if she is hung over. Mikey says…”ooo it’s so bright in here.” Madeline Zima, from the Nanny, is also there. Just wanted to make sure you guys didn’t miss that. The White Trash Beautiful show runs smoothly, Heather’s daughter walks well and Mikey makes sure to announce her so that people know to be appropriately excited. Richie Sambora isn’t at the show to watch his daughter, which is too bad. She did well and the clothes are actually pretty awesome. First night of fashion week is over!
At Tracy’s dinner party from hell, Stamie is honoring Zory’s request of not showing Tracy affection. Tracy’s bitchy sister is back. They are sitting at the table and Stamie is being quiet and respectful. Tracy asks Zory if she wants to meet Stamie’s kids. Zory says no. Tracy’s gay friendly sister Audra shows up. Stamie says that not wanting to meet her kids is kind of the last straw for her with Zory. Zory is bringing her back to a time where she was uncomfortable and ashamed of herself and she doesn’t need that in her life, she’s a mother now and she feels like her kids are being slighted. But she goes back to the dinner table and jokes around, respectfully with Tracy’s clan.
It’sday two of Fashion week and Mikey’s final show. It’s a huge event. All the girls are going, they were obviously invited by Showtime, but Whit & Rose were invited by Mikey, Tracy and Stamie invited by Whitney and Nikki and Jill are just there and don’t talk to any of the ladies. Mikey is holding the show for Raquel, who is running late. Raquel finally makes it and they can start the show. She looks great but she is wearing a lot of blush, like she got caught in a fight with a kabuki brush. The show goes off without a hitch, Mikey gets on stage to close fashion week. But instead of closing the show, she calls Raquel onto the stage and gets down on one knee! She proposes to Raquel, but can’t see her finger because she is wearing sunglasses. Juuust kidding, the two get engaged! Yay! Whitney and Rose stand up and hold up their drinks and lead the cheering. Raquel is so happy with the huge gesture Mikey just made and it’s sweet. Mikey wants to have the American Dream with Raquel.
On the last episode of theReal L Word: Rose acts like she’s single, Stamie is stuck with Tracy’s mom and Whitney goes to Dinah Shore and Sara and Romi make out in the pool. Umm, I guess the commenter who said that Sara and Romi are now living together and don’t talk to Whitney is riiiight.
So the show is almost over…are you excited or sad?