William Jefferson Clinton once famously said “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” That was, broadly, true. He did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinski. Instead, he got blow jobs from her. Well, Justin Bieber is busy saying the same thing- he never met the woman, he never had sex with her, he doesn’t have casual sex…

Though he’s made a number of press appearances this week to promote his new Christmas album, Under the Mistletoe, Bieber had not publicly commented on the allegations until Friday

“I’d just like to say basically that none of those allegations are true,” he told Matt Lauer. “I know I’m going to be a target, but I’m never going to be a victim.” Bieber explained on “Today” that the logistics of her claim don’t fit with his hectic schedule. “I think it’s crazy because every night after the show I’ve gone right from the stage right to my car,” he said. “So it’s crazy that some people want to make up some false allegations, but to set the record straight none of it is true. Never met the woman.”

Okay, take the paternity test and get it over with. If you didn’t sleep with the woman, that will come out fast. If you did, well….that’s a problem.

This is why being lesbian or gay is so nice. We can have sex backstage and no one ever gets pregnant. I mean, so far, there hasn’t been a woman who has come forward to say that Melissa Etheridge got her pregnant, and no one has come forward claiming that Adam Lambert got him pregnant either….so…well, what the heck…the more Bieber screams that he did not have sex with this woman and avoids the paternity test the longer this goes on and the more guilty he is.

I would recommend, though, that he do a cover of the Michael Jackson song “Billie Jean” while he is at it: