Hey Lezzies, Welcome back to “Ask A Femme.” I’m Natasia and I will be dishing out advice on love, dating, relationships, friendship, career, family and fashion issues. Are your friends tired of trying to come up with the solutions to your problems? Are your friends the problem? Did your mom surprise you with a date with the nice guy at her office? I’m here to help!Dear Femme,

I’m trying online dating for the first time and I’m so overwhelmed. I get tons of messages that I don’t have time to reply to and it seems like every time I go online I get instant messaged. I have been on one date and it was a total bust. There is another girl from the site I am talking to, but I don’t think she’s my type. I think I am just going to give up. I have a full time career, a large circle of friends and family and volunteer in my free time. I just don’t think I have time to devote to this anymore. What do you think?

Online Bust

Hi OB,

Thanks for writing! First of all, don’t be overwhelmed. This process is supposed to be fun and exciting, not stressful! Take a deep breath and remember why you joined an online dating service in the first place, to meet someone who has the same interests as you. So carve out a chunk of time, turn off your cell phone, turn off the tv, hide your online status and go through your messages. Delete the ones that you think you won’t have any chemistry with, either for physical reasons or grammatical ones. Write back to the ones you like.  

The next step is to browse. Don’t let other women choose you, find women you would choose for yourself. Send them each a personalized message based on the interests you share. Don’t just copy and paste the same message over and over. By doing this you will take control of the situation and you will feel more proactive and less overwhelmed.

The last step, don’t talk to either the girl you met in person or the girl you are talking to. Don’t waste your time or theirs.  Good luck and let me know if you meet anyone!

Dear Femme,

I’ve been single for two years. It seems like every time I start dating someone, things go smoothly for one or two months and then she just disappears! I don’t get it. I don’t have sex with anyone until I think they are really interested (definitely not on the first date!) and everything always seems to be fine until the other person stops returning my calls. I’m not a needy person, I don’t call or text my dates every five minutes but I pay enough attention for them to know I am interested. What am I doing wrong? Thanks for your help!

Two Month Chump

Hi TMC,

Thanks for writing! I’m sorry to hear about your predicament, it’s a pretty tricky situation. I don’t know much about you, but I’m going to try to give you the best advice possible.  There are several different possibilities.

1)      It’s not you, it’s them: What type of women are you choosing to date? What is the common thread? Do you tend to choose women who have just gotten out of long-term relationships? Do you gravitate towards women who aren’t looking for a long term partner?  Try to find out on the first or second date if your date is emotionally available or just looking for a good time. Usually you can just trust your instincts on this one. If she starts crying into her ice cream about her ex-girlfriend, she’s probably not ready to date anyone seriously.

2)      It’s not them, it’s you: What signals do you send to your dates? Are you sending them “friend zone” signals? Do come across as not wanting to be in a long-term relationship? Listen to yourself when you talk, do you talk about your ex too much? Do you talk about traveling the world with no ties or commitments to anyone or anything? These are red flags to girls who are looking to settle down with someone. If a month has passed and the girl is still around, talk about a future that applies to both of you.

Good luck, TMC and let me know if it works!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

I’ll wash the dishes when asked nicely. I’ll wash the dishes because you hate to do it. I’ll help make dinner, serve it and clear the table afterwards. I’ll let you order my food, then command me to eat like your my mother.

I’ll apply more lipstick and cross my legs. I’ll put on my shortest black dress for our first date. I’ll kiss in the street. I’ll kiss in front of Barnes and Noble because I was mesmerized by your full red lips.

I’m an idealist. I believe everyone deserves a second chance and a third chance. I’ll dye my hair a color that you don’t like. I’ll wear shorts that are too short. I’ll wear them after you tell me not to. I’ll mismatch my socks with my skirt, you won’t like it. I’ve been called stupid. I’ve been called smart. I’ve been called beautiful. I’ve been asked if I were a transsexual. I’ve been called “human.” I’ve been called “high maintenance.” But I always call first.

I’ll make out with you on your couch. I’ll let you make the first move and let you think your the one in control. I’ll say, “whatever you want to do tonight” when asked. I’ll wait by the phone for you to return my call. I’ll send an email or text after our first date. I’ll go with your moods. I’ll be the girl next to you when you need to look good in front of others. I’ll stay home in my pj’s when your out with your friends and haven’t called in three weeks. I won’t ask if you fucked someone else while you were on vacation without me. You never asked me to come along in the first place. I’ll smile and give you a kiss. I’ll smile and say “that’s okay” when you don’t give me anything on Valentines’ Day because you couldn’t do so much as make a card. I’ll be okay with you needing to leave after 20 minutes because you haven’t started that paper that’s due tomorrow and you just remembered! I’ll take a walk with you on a cold winter night. I’ll drive across state just to see you for an hour. I’m okay with you ignoring me to talk to your artist friends.

I’m okay with an open relationship. Sure, I’m up for a long distance relationship and I always have to go to you.

I’ll sing in my driveway when I’m elated. I’ll stand in the pouring rain with you. I won’t watch the rest of that movie because you want to fuck. I’ll sit with hands folded when the check arrives. I’ll sit with hands folded with a smile when you talk on your cellphone during our date. I’ll smile politely if you completely ignore me to read a magazine. I love to date girls who get into fist fights, I’ll even go on a second date!

I’ll entertain your mother, your acquaintances, your friends, and your boss. I’ll put on more lipgloss just for them. I’ll buy you a drink. I’ll act understanding. I’ll cry in secret. I’ll write stories about you. I’ll buy sexy underwear you won’t see. I understand you and your work are very, very important, I can wait for sex and attention of any sort. I’ll be sitting in the corner, in my shortest dress when you need me, just give a shout.

Sometimes the prejudices we have are instilled in us as children.

If that is the case its is up to us as adult individuals to accept full responsibility and turn our lives around.  As an African-American growing up racism was alive and present in my home. My grandmother was from the “old south” .  Vicksburg, Mississippi  was the breeding ground for my grandmother’s internal and external racism. She was fathered by an Irish-Indian  and a Black mother. Growing up with red hair, light skin, and freckles she was really color struck. It was no secret that that lighter kids would get better treatment than the darker ones. This trickled down to my mother, so you can only imagine my childhood.  I was encouraged to be as “Black as possible”.

To my mother’s dismay, and everyone else around us, I was the proper little book worm, who never wanted to be involved in the usual activities.

She would yell at me for watching “white television programs” , and condemn me for being a cultural outcast. I have to defend her and say she thought she was looking out for my best interest, but of course she was traumatizing me. My point in this disturbing little background of mine, is that I’ve always been racially conscious. So I’m not sure if it’s in my head or is there still an issue with interracial dating?

I’ve never had to formerly come out, my mom pretty much knew from the moment I knew, and everyone else looks and just assumes.

The only thing I’ve had to worry about was my actual date and bringing that person home. The only thing my mom and I never fought about was my sexuality, but I was warned years in advance “if she cant use your comb, don’t bring her home.”  I was terrified of how my mom could embarrass a guest of mine or make them feel unwanted. The scenes would play in my head a la “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.”  I can laugh about it now, but then it was hella scary!

Dating has never been about color, culture or back ground for me.

I love Black women and I have to make this clear. Black women just don’t seem to be able to put up with me for too long. I’m a little eclectic, a lot eccentric and downright crazy, so I can see how that may be off putting to any woman. At the same time I can’t understand that whole idea of not wanting someone but frowning when they date someone of another ethnic background. The looks, the stares, the hate- it’s horrible. Last time I checked love came in all forms. Of course the Country is a little delayed in that update,  but as individuals we should know this.

I love a little “milk in my coffee”, but should I be afraid to express my preference?

Another thing I worried about when pursuing diversity in dating, is having and raising kids together. It’s very ‘Bette and Tina’ when you think about it. Should a white woman have to use a black donor in order to bridge the cultural gap and make her partner feel more like a parent? This can be a lot to  ask of children and parents alike. Growing up in a same-sex parented home can prove to be difficult no mater how well you raise your kids. Is it fair to subject them to being Bi-racial on top of that?  Personally, I find that kids raised in a same-sex parented as well as multi-racial home, make for a more open- minded cultured adult. Sometimes skin color is not even evident because they’ve learned and been taught to surpass the outer and connect with the inner.

Tell me what you think:

-Would you date someone of  a different race or background?

-Would you go on to raise kids with this person?

-Would you consider a donor of any obviously different background?

-While with this person, do you let go of their hands in public? Never bring them home? Keep them from your friends and family?

-Is interracial dating for lesbians an issue or an option?

You can experience the SPAZ TALK RADIO Lesbian Podcast at spaztalkradio.podomatic.com or on MySpace at myspace.com/spaztalkradio.

]]> http://lezgetreal.com/?feed=rss2&p=12236 10 http://lezgetreal.com/?p=7671 http://lezgetreal.com/?p=7671#comments Wed, 08 Apr 2009 16:00:43 +0000 ~Julie Phineas~ http://lezgetreal.com/?p=7671

If you have an iPhone, you might already be familiar with the different applications that are available to you.

Some include social networking apps, gaming, communications and more, including applications for dating. You can now add gay dating to your applications selection with the introduction of the Grindr application if you are a gay or bisexual man who has an iPhone.

TechCrunch says:

While privacy is an issue for all location based social networks, it is of the utmost importance on gay networks. Without proper security measures, bigots could easily download such applications and use them to pinpoint targets for hateful slurs and potentially even violence. Grindr deals with these issues by obscuring a user’s absolute location by default. Rather than plotting each user on the map. Grindr displays how far away they are (distances can range from a few feet to miles away).

The application presents users with a list of nearby strangers, arranged in a grid of photos (you can click on a photo to see their personal profile). From here, users can strike up a real-time chat. If they decide they like their new acquaintance, they can they optionally choose to reveal their exact location.

“Grindr is the next generation of social networking—it’s about location, location, location,” says creator Joel Simkhai.

“Men seeking men are technology and online dating trailblazers. We were the first to fill chat rooms on AOL, the earliest adopters of Friendster, MySpace, and Facebook. Grindr takes meeting people to the next level. If you want to hang out with a guy who’s right around the corner, Grindr is the app that makes it possible.”

If you are interested in learning more about the Grindr iPhone application you can visit www.GrindrGuy.com.

Chemistry.com is hosting a Flirtathon this weekend where they open up their network to offer FREE communication for all users.

Chemistry.com, well known for coveting those members who were “rejected by eHarmony”, especially in the gay community, held their first Flirtathon this January and it turned out to be a big success.

If you have been looking for a dating site to join, this is a good opportunity to give Chemistry.com a test drive.

All you have to do is create a free trial membership and check it out. The Flirtathon lasts all weekend, until midnight on Sunday.

Good luck!

Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her by visiting her page on MySpace.

With the recent proposed launch of gay dating site Compatible Partners by anti-gay dating site eHarmony, I was feeling a bit discouraged about my single lesbian friends and how they were going to go about finding the love of their life in the current world of dating.

I have a lot of friends online and have played matchmaker a few times but really, I’m not any good at it. Nevertheless I still have people who ask me if I know any single lesbians who might be interested in chatting or meeting up. In efforts to create a solution I have launched a new website for lesbian singles, in partnership with LDate.com, called SingleWomyn.

SingleWomyn is a site for single lesbians looking to meet other single lesbians, with an option to upgrade to a premium dating package.

Premium members of SingleWomyn have access to an exclusive network of single lesbians worldwide, and the network is tied in to other lesbian dating sites, so you are sure to find a lesbian match if you are single and looking!

If you are in the market for your next ex wife, or looking for the love of your life, be sure to sign up for SingleWomyn today – it’s free!

I am going to promote this site to every single lesbian I know, because I know alot of really great lesbian womyn. Whether you know me or not, if you are a single lesbian, join the SingleWomyn network.

You never know when she’ll be looking for you!

You can sign up and find your matches at www.SingleWomyn.com.

Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her by visiting her page on MySpace.

Dating. Dating is a whole creature of its own.

I have had some of the strangest and most fucked up experiences at the expense of my self confidence and at the hands of Southern California’s lesbian population. I have been single for almost 2 years. Last night was one of the most frustrating and humiliating turn of events in these past 2 years.

So, here is the story:

I have been “seeing” this girl for over a month, pretty much two.

While every person I introduced her to took her as my girlfriend…she on the other hand was “not ready to be exclusive”. Fine. I get that. Healing from a serious break up is hard work. I was completely fine with that, and she knew where I stood and how I felt so the ball was in her court. We kissed and cuddled (nothing really more than that), but we were really more than friends…but less than lovers. It was a purgatory. I could live with the purgatory for a while, that is how much I liked her. So everything is good, great even…we saw each other often, she met a lot of my friends and I even took her to Disneyland. This girl seemed like a potential girlfriend. Then things fell apart in about a matter of 24 hours.

Friday night I was texting her and she told me she was just at the dog park at my work. (I work at huge recreational park) So…she was at my work and didn’t bother to text me or call me to see if I was there (and I was, I WAS working). So I sort of let it slide for an hour or so. Then I find myself starting to assume the reasoning behind it. So instead of assuming I ask her flat out. Her response? “I dont know…why do you care?” As one girl put it….wrong answer. This was so out of character, we continue texting about the subject and she tells me that she didn’t know I was there. So I feel a better and I understand more. Next I tell her (in a joking fashion) “Well for future reference I work every friday, saturday, and sunday =)”. Her next response?? “Ewww I don’t think I like your attitude.” Uh…..what? I wasn’t aware I had an attitude and I apologized for coming across that way. I didn’t hear from her the rest of the night.

The next day (Saturday) I tell her to have a good day at work. She answers really plainly and I ask her if I upset her. Well it turns out she was under the impression I had assumed she was being an asshole. Which I didn’t. So I expressed that. And the air was cleared. And we discussed our plans for going to this HUGE halloween party in Malibu that night. This went until almost 12pm.

530pm rolls around and I haven’t heard from her. So I text her trying to figure out whats happening and if she is still at work. Nothing. 630pm creeps up, I text her again. Nothing. At 7pm I call her cell and call her work. No answers. At this point I’m worried because this is nothing she has ever done before. So at 730pm (the time we were planning on leaving) I get in the car and head to her work to see if she is there. Nope. I call her phone one last time: “Hi this is ******, I had a bad day so my phone is off and I’m ignoring the world.” ???????????? Excuse me? It’s easy to imagine I was livid.

I used the hour drive to Malibu as sufficient time to get my anger out. And yea…the party was AWESOME and I looked hot. Her loss. Moving on.

My deal with this situation is…it is not the first time it has happened to me. I had a similar situation in the beginning of August. And another in the spring. Is there something I’m doing to make girls react this way? Or do I tend to attract this certain kind of crazy. If so…how do I change it? Maybe it’s something I can’t change, and eventually it will even out?

Food for thought my friends…food for thought.

Brittany Marie lives in Southern California and works with the City of Santa Clarita. She is considered a plus size fashionista and loves styling outfits for her friends and family. She runs two fashion blogs including Lez Be Fashionable and I’m Feeling Fat and Sassy.

Hello I’m Paula and I am a recovering U-Haul Lesbian.

There is an old joke that goes…. What does a lesbian bring on a second date?

In lesbian pop culture, the term U-Haul Lesbians refers to relationships that progress especially swiftly, as in example, moving in together after only a short period of time and gets its name from the move it yourself trucks and trailers often rented to make these moves. These relationships have become almost cliché in the lesbian community.

It has been surmised by some in both the lesbian community and the mental health field, that lesbians use this sort of behavior as an escape from the emotional upheavals involved with dating and it is thought to stem from a stunted development of intimate relationships during the teenage years, since many lesbians are normally in the closet at this time.

I have also had innumerable lesbians friends tell me that in the past they have felt a very real aversion to dating and get drawn into these types of relationship because of the instant gratification and intimacy they create. I have to admit, I’ve been in a quite a few of these types of relationships myself back in the day. Most of us have at least once I think.

So what’s the big deal, you ask?

While the concept of dating can seem overwhelming or scary to many of us, the big deal is that U-Haul relationships don’t ever seem to last and are not very satisfying in the long term. Worst yet, the process of ending one can be appallingly painful both emotionally and financially.

I lived in a place (the Outer Banks of North Carolina) where we had a pitifully small lesbian population. There were probably not 300 lesbians living in an area that covered over 800 square miles, making the lesbian dating pool there pretty small.

Also I am deaf and I don’t care what the L word says, being a deaf lesbian is not all glamour and art shows. So it really did not help matters at all, that not only was I a lesbian in a very small lesbian dating pool, additionally, not many in that perspective dating pool had a clue what I was saying most of the time. When I found a potential lover who could get around my deafness and my difficulty with speech, I grabbed right on to her, moved her into my house and off to the races we went.

Now I was also a very dedicated surfer girl and surfer girls are not really known for a very, shall we say, mature outlook on many aspects of life. Free beer and all night parties’ called to me often and if the surf was up 300 miles down the coast; I’d load up my truck and off I’d go, leaving a note on the kitchen table simply saying “Gone Surfin”. It would be safe for anyone to assume, this is not an attitude that promotes strong long-term relationships.

It also did not help that I tended to gravitate towards other surfer girls or even worse yet, tourist girls who wanted to be surfer girls, all with similar attitudes and outlooks on life as mine, as lovers. Most of the time our ride was intense but short and not very much fun in the end.

When we’d finally break up, our belongings would be all intertwined, as were our finances. So when it was over, I’d find myself losing about half my stuff, canceling my bank accounts, opening new ones, and was generally in a mess both emotionally and financially long after the relationship.

And I can’t even begin to tell you how many really good surfboards I lost this way.

Things did not get any better for me till I finally moved off the island for a while to advance my education, relocating to Wilmington, North Carolina.

Once arriving there, I was pleased to find Wilmington had a very vibrant lesbian population, many of whom, happily for me, were also quite adept in the use of sign language, because as my luck would have it, the University of North Carolina at Wilmington had a well established and popular deaf communication program it offered that seemed to attract a lot of lesbians.

So it was in this atmosphere I started to learn how to take things bit slower and to get to know my dates, and see if we were compatible for more then just sex.

But the real change for me came as I started find myself attracted to a more mature and settled type of woman while I was living in Wilmington, probably because I was starting to have a more mature and settled attitude myself. I learned that I could date someone and even have a sexual relationship with her but that I did not have to move her into my house.

Yes dating could still be a stressful endeavor, full of the insecurities and questions that tend to come with any dating scene and many of the girls I dated did not get my not wanting to “U-Haul” with them and took it as a lack of a willingness to commit to a relationship with them. But by slowing it down on the U-Hauling, I had time to date around till I finally found someone I could, as a final point, get to know as someone I could call my soul mate for life, and I still had all my stuff when a dating relationship did not work out.

I never lost another favorite surfboard again.

Also, today, I am celebrating the 11th anniversary of my partner and soul mate Debbie and I being together. (Happy Anniversary Baby Girl)

So ladies stop being a lesbian clichés, slow it down, take your time, lesbian dating need be neither a stress nor a reason to put yourself in a financial or emotional hole. Just relax and enjoy your dating time.

Leave your U Haul at home and take it one day at a time.

Paula Brooks lives in the Outer Banks of North Carolina with her partner, their twin daughters and her hearing helper dog, where they own and operate a vacation home rental business. You can visit her Blogger profile here.