The Holidays can be a great time of the year… but sometime… if you are in a new committed lesbian relationship… after you’ve gone over the river and through the woods to grandma house… you might have just a bit of ‘splainin to do and a lot of questions…

Jessica Clark & Lacey Stone tackle the festive season. Whose house should we go to… How do we handle the awkwardness… Can we sleep in the same bed?

Lesbian Love The Festive Season from lacey stone on Vimeo.

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Every day LGBT people face inequalities that just don’t make sense, from small acts of discrimination to ones with tragic consequences. The hard reality is that you find out what rights you have when you need them the most. For many of us, that means that we have to ask ourselves, am I protected? Unfortunately, we have a long ways to go, and each and every one of us must do our part. Visit http://amiprotected.org.

Charlene Strong lost her partner Kate Fleming after a tragic flooding incident in Seattle in late 2006, and was nearly barred from seeing Fleming in her last moments of life. Strongs heart-wrenching testimony about the hospital ordeal helped prompt Washington State to pass domestic partnership protections for same-sex couples. The award-winning feature documentary “for my wife” chronicles Strongs journey through tragedy to activism.

Equal Rights Washington Education Fund is responsible for this ad. http://amiprotected.org

Since we were married last year, my wife and I received a letter in the mail asking us to participate in a study on ‘intimate relationships’.

The letter said:

Your marriage was a momentous event. There is usually a period of adjustment after a marriage, unless you have been together a long time. How satisfied are you with your marital relationship now?

You have an opportunity to evaluate your relationship by thinking about your answers to a questionnaire on the internet. If you do not have access to the Internet at home or work, you should be able to do so free at a public library or for a small fee at an internet cafe.

The questionnaire is entirely enonymous and contains no advertising. It is for adults of all ages, genders, and cultural backgrounds, in a marriage, other committed relationships or a casual relationship. It has been approved by the Human Subjects Protection Committee at Whittier College.

The study is being conducted by Professor of Psychology Charles T Hill, PhD through the Whittier College website at http://web.whittier.edu/chill/ir.

The call for couples concluded by saying:

This is especially important now at a time when the definition of marriage is being debated.

The study will also reportedly allow comparisons with a previous study on intimate relationships done in 1972 called the Boston Couples Study.

Same-sex couples are encouraged to participate, although the study is open to anyone over the age of 18.

Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her by visiting her page on MySpace.

If you’re not familiar with the term, lesbian bed death is the phenomenon that is said to occur between long term lesbian couples where their sex life essentially comes to a screeching halt.

When I first heard about the possibility of lesbian bed death, I took a personal vow to do what ever could so that it wouldn’t happen to my wife and I, and since then I have learned a lot about it.

The term “lesbian bed death” itself was coined by sociologist Pepper Schwartz in her 1983 book “American Couples”. According to Schwartz, lesbians have less sex than any other type of couple, and they generally experience less sexual intimacy the longer the relationship lasts.

If you are a sexual person, and sexual intimacy is important to you in a relationship, lesbian bed death can be a bummer. I’ve found that with some lesbians I have talked to however that it’s not really a big deal to them and they are okay without having the pressure to perform or the need to be naked with their partner. Regardless of the personal preferences of each couple, the actual reality of lesbian bed death is something that many lesbians face, and it’s not just because we’re gay.

Aging plays a big part in the reduction of sexual intimacy between all couples both gay and straight. So does life in general… it’s hard to wind down and not think about work, bills and everything else. Couples with children have to be more creative about getting together and are prone to have sex less frequently as their children age.

Many couples face struggle when one has different ideas of what intimacy means than the other. One might be satisfied with cuddling in bed, another might desire a more comprehensive encounter. Timing is a factor as well. We don’t as a society ask the person we are dating what time of day they enjoy having sex in the first conversation we have. It can take a long time with your partner before you have the full scope of them sexually; including their likes, dislikes and response to your particular sexual personality. This is true for both heterosexual and same-sex couples.

Aside from all of the factors above, I think a big factor in lesbian bed death could actually be hormonal.

There is a study showing that 80% of lesbians have poly-cystic ovaries, and 38% of them have polycystic ovarian syndrome. Having PCOS myself, I know personally the effects that fluctuating hormones can have on a person. Even if you didn’t have the syndrome, having cysts on your ovaries affects your hormones. You can have elevated levels of any of the major sex hormones such as estrogen and testosterone. It’s easy to talk about these things in passing, but estrogen and testosterone have major implications in how our bodies work affecting our body and mood, and even our personality to some degree. Just think about a women who is going through PMS, or a man who has been taking steroids and you might understand what I mean.

Men do not experience the dramatic fluctuations in hormones that women do, and thus why you wouldn’t have “gay bed death”.

This is also why in heterosexual relationships where the sex life has died it is usually the woman whose interest in sex has declined and the man who is left complaining that his wife is ‘frigid’ because she’s never in “the mood”. This has led some to attribute lesbian bed death (and the lack of gay bed death) to the fact that there are now two potentially ‘frigid’ women in a relationship who are never in “the mood”.

I completely beg to differ.

True there are two women in a relationship who are not in “the mood”, but not because they are ‘frigid’. If  you follow the rationale that lesbian bed death can be attributed to hormonal factors, you will see that women really are sometimes just not in “the mood” physically. Fluctuating hormones can make you feel all kinds of things (nasueaus, grumpy, achy, depressed, anxious, fatigued, etc.), and for some women feeling sexual is not a regular occurrence. This makes it hard to find the right moment for a partner to approach their wife to be intimate, but now imagine if the partner is also a woman, who approaches their wife less frequently because they are not always feeling sexual themselves.

Overcoming this obstacle in any relationship is going to take some work.

Many suggest spicing up your love life with toys, lingerie, and other excitements. I think those are icing on the cake and should be used as incentives for good behavior, but that’s just me. My personal suggestions for overcoming lesbian bed death (and bed death in general) is to start with communication. You have to talk about it. You have to get to know what the other person likes, dislikes, etc.

Another thing to work on is your willingness. What are you willing to experience and what is your partner willing to experience?

Then have some compassion. Has your partner had a long day at work? Has it been a while since you two have been intimate? Do you have an un-resolved issue between you two? Whatever the case be sure you are compassionate to what is going on in each others lives and consider if being intimate is the right thing for both of you before you make your move.

When you have the chance to be intimate with  your partner, infuse the moment with passion.

Don’t show up to this moment with half hearted intentions. Show each other why you are the one that each other has chosen to share these moments with. Passion between lovers is unparalleled, and those moments can give you something to reflect on afterward until your next time together.

When its all said and done, show each other some gratitude. Be grateful you have a partner to share intimate moments with no matter how few or far between. Don’t be afraid to leave each other thank you notes or express your gratitude in other ways.

Other things you can do to help your partner get in the mood if you suspect that hormonal fluctuations are playing a part in your bed death…

• Exercise! Even if you are just dancing around the room, getting your blood flowing and body moving also gets the adrenaline flowing and releases other stimulating effects as well.
• Drink plenty of water and get plenty of rest. Drinking water flushes out toxins from our body that can trigger reactions which affect our hormones. Getting proper sleep is essential to the body’s proper processing of hormones, as well as other basic functions your body needs to feel good.
• Just be happy. Do things that make you happy and elevate your mood. Visit friends, listen to music, go for a drive. Get yourself in a good mood and then carry it over to the bedroom.

Remember, by no means am I an expert, just a gay girl with a view on the subject, so if you feel that you are facing a serious problem, I truly endorse visiting a professional in the field.

If you have any ideas or insights on lesbian bed death, please feel free to share them in our comments section below.

by bobster1985

I was very sad to learn that one of the couples involved in the landmark case in the state of Massachusetts which legalized same sex marriage in that state recently filed for divorce following a lengthy 2 year separation. (article) This is not the first same sex couple in a landmark marriage case to divorce. A lesbian couple who married in 2003 a week after a landmark decision legalized same-sex marriage in Ontario, Canada had been together for nearly 10 years; but they separated after just five days of marriage. (article) A lesbian couple who married in California in 2008, after a landmark decision struck down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage, filed for divorce only three days later, citing “irreconcilable differences”.

“In a way, gays and lesbians had a common enemy in the form of the state and society. People who have common enemies tend to stick together.” But once they are able to “marry,” he said, “It’s no longer you and me against the world – it’s you and me against each other.”

Boston divorce attorney Gerald Nissenbaum told the Boston Herald that the lesbian couple from Massachusetts may have lost their spark after they won their battle in the courts.

“Whenever there’s a cause that keeps people together, once the cause is over, in my experience, there’s a high rate of dissolution of the relationship,” he said. “It’s sad, but it’s real.”

He added,

“And what a surprise: Gay people are like everyone else.”

On a personal note, I am one of the 18,000 couples that were married in California before Proposition 8 eliminated marriage rights for same sex couples, and I know that our relationship has been under stress throughout our journey. We see how landmark lesbian couples are thrown into the spotlight, and when we got married there were TV crews present throughout. The lesbian couple who was the first in line to get married when we did here in Los Angeles was on the front page of every newspaper in the area in every language. Having your relationship scrutinized is hard and that’s exactly what happens to these couples. I know that if my wife and I didn’t have good communication, we might not have made it through these crazy times. I can’t even imagine the legal battles and press conferences and media scrutiny that landmark lesbian couples have had to endure. Now that we are facing having our marriage nullified via Proposition 8, we are making sure to take time to nurture our relationship and stay connected through it all. I feel a certain kinship with any same sex couple who has been through a marriage, and I am always rooting for them to stay together. When I found out that the landmark lesbian couple from Massachusetts was parting ways it made me sad. Having been through a divorce once myself, I sincerely wish them the best. Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her by visiting her page on MySpace.

• California Gay Marriage Showdown Set For March 5th (queerty.com)
• Gay couple launches lawsuit after Prop. 8 passes (ctv.ca)

If “fitness guru” Susan “Stop the Insanity” Powter can navigate the geography of her girlfriend’s body – Jessica Kirson – my spouse should be thrilled with the shape of my body.

I mean, is it my lack of a perfect body that caused us to have sex only 1 time in 10 days on a romantic cruise?

Clearly, my lovely spouse is more insensitive than any husband/man on the face of the Earth.

On the way home from our cruise I was wearing a tight tank top under a cotton/mesh sweater. It was extremely hot and so for a brief moment, while we were loading the luggage into the car, I took off the sweater. In doing so I made the comment that I planned on putting my sweater back on as soon as I cooled off. In reply my lovely spouse said, “What, you don’t want to look like a stuffed sausage?”

Really! Would any man even consider saying that to his wife? Women who think that men are insensitive should try being with a lipstick lesbian for a few minutes. I mean after the sex is over – and it will be over – it’s like living for the rest of your life with your selfish, mean-spirited little bossy sister.

Susan – if you ever get over the Rocky Mountains or out of the Gulf of Mexico . . . call me . . .

Two Lesbos Goin At It is at www.twolesbosgoinatit.com

My wife and I have a pretty great relationship.

I didn’t say it was perfect, but really, it’s pretty great. I don’t know if everybody in the world is looking to get married, or even to settle down with someone long term. But if you are, then I think my wife and I are a pretty good example of what a great relationship looks like.

It didn’t come overnight, we didn’t always have a great relationship, and there were times when we didn’t know if we would make it.

All in all, I know we’re both on the same page now, we’re both in this for life, and we love each other with every fiber of our being. What got us to this point, and through all the tough times in between, was true communication. I firmly believe that in this lesbian relationship, communication is KEY.

Coming from a history of failed relationships with both men and women, I can honestly say that going into this I had a clear picture in my mind of what would and wouldn’t work for me in a relationship.

The problem with this is that it became a double edged sword for me in that having this sense of clarity was more of a hindrance than a help. I was becoming set in my ways. Then here she comes, the love of my life, and I knew in an instant there was something deeper there that I should pursue, but she had a clear picture of her own as well. It seemed as though we had both found the person who would be the perfect partner for each other, and yet taking that step towards relationship bliss was a frightening and sobering thought because we both knew what we wanted and expected the other to rise up to that expectation.

It’s hard when you see something within somebody that they don’t see themselves.

It can also be frustrating for one person to expect something from another person who has no clue what’s expected of them. I have often found myself wishing that she could just read my mind, or I hers. Alas, that is not how it works and so I am back in the real world and the only thing that seems to work there for us is to talk about it. Even when it’s something you don’t want to talk about. Especially then. Sometimes my wife and I have had conversations where we have told each other things that were uber-embarrassing, or extra-sensitive, or highly confidential. (I have to add here that I trust my wife with my secrets completely, and she knows I am a bit of a blabber mouth but I also know how to keep my mouth shut about critical things too.) Having the guts to talk about things with each other that might bring forth anger, jealousy, or embarrassment has really changed our relationship.

We know each other that much better, more than anyone else in the world knows us, and we truly understand where the other is coming from.

We may not always agree with each other but at least we can understand each other and work with that information as best we can. And those uncomfortable emotions eventually go away, but what also goes away is the fear. The fear that a misunderstanding might lead to a break up, or the fear that there are secrets you know nothing about. Insecurity and anxiety don’t do well for relationships in my experience, and now that I have a secure, stable, and communicative relationship with my wife we can work together to focus on other, finer things in life; and truly enjoy each other in the process.

Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her by visiting her page on MySpace.

Are you looking for the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for your girl?

You know what she really wants, don’t you??

To ‘come together’ with YOU! Well, if you’re lucky. AND if you’re smart! Take the fate of Valentine’s Day with your sweetie into your own hands and visit Come Together online TODAY.

COME TOGETHER specializes in sensual gift baskets for women. These are perfect for saying, “Thank you,” “I love you,” “I want to see you again,” “Happy Anniversary,” or “I’d really like to tie you to the bedpost and have my way with you.”

Perfect. And if you order between now and February 10th and you can take $5.00 OFF each basket.

Yes I said each basket… one for her and one for you. Grrrrowwwl.