Gov. Andrew Cuomo and Sandra Lee at premiere of "Julie & Julia" (photo by New York Post)

It’s one of those idiot arguments against same-sex marriage – it will somehow destroy straight marriages. To prove this point, the anti-gay lobby uses a study called Marriage in Scandinavia to show how straight marriage has declined – since the 1970′s in countries that didn’t have same-sex unions of any kind. It’s like their favorite studies on same-sex parenting that don’t involve the study of any same-sex parents. But the passage of the same-sex marriage law in New York brings up the issue of the state of straight marriage in the time of same-sex marriage again.

Since January, New York State has had an unusual situation with its governor. Andrew Cuomo was married for thirteen years to Kerry Kennedy, daughter of the late Robert F. and Ethel Kennedy. They had three children and were divorced in 2005. In and of itself, that’s not completely unheard of. Mitch Daniels and his wife were divorced and remarried during his political career. But all through the public appearances Cuomo has made as the new governor, there has been a woman at his side – the Food Network star Sandra Lee. New Yorkers, accepting people that they are, haven’t said much about having a mistress as their shadow First Lady.

Still, Cuomo’s enthusiastic support of same-sex marriage and his speeches praising the new law in the past three days raises an interesting question. If marriage is good enough for same sex couples, when will it be good enough for the Governor?

Related articles

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• Gay marriage fans talk of Cuomo presidential bid (miamiherald.typepad.com)
• Quote Of The Day – David Frum (joemygod.blogspot.com)

Northern Ireland's Gerry Adams

I’ve always said I don’t do LGBT stories, but there are times when the history in my field relates to the present in the LGBT community. So, another observation from the straight lady on the Lesbian blog……

One of the most important figures in the Northern Ireland peace negotiations was internationally recognized activist Gerry Adams. He was a hero of the cause of Irish Catholic equality. We all knew and ignored the fact that he had been an IRA terrorist with blood on his hands. We tunneled our vision to see the politician. But for years, the negotiations went nowhere. No one would give a single effing bloody inch.

Then, one morning, Gerry woke up and had an epiphany – he could have a life after the conflict. He did not have to live his whole life defined as a warrior. He could have a fulfilling life without the battle. That day, the nature of the negotiations changed. That epiphany made peace possible. Gerry brought his wife home from her 18 year protective exile. They quickly had a little girl in addition to the son they had before they separated for so many years. He has built a good life since the peace accord, a fulfilling life.

There can be life after the conflict. The battle does not have be a person’s whole identity. Only when the warriors realize that, can they do two things – fight to win and fight to make peace.

There has been virtually no reaction from the major LGBT groups about the amendment passed in Minnesota. Aside from MSNBC, where is the outrage? When the legal challenge to Georgia’s same-sex-marriage-banning amendment failed in the state supreme court, why wasn’t it taken to the Federal courts? The Georgia constitution clearly states an amendment can have only one clause. The same sex marriage ban had two. That’s about as legally simple as it ever gets. It’s freaking rare that a legal issue is that simple. Over and over, the battles never go far enough, or they appear, to anyone who actually knows the Constitution, to be conducted on the wrong battlefield.

In Oklahoma, the anti-Sharia amendment is being challenged in Federal court on the grounds that it is a backdoor establishment of a state religion. Any law that forbids religious worship has in effect stated that only one form of religion is acceptable. That is the proper grounds for fighting anti-gay and anti-abortion laws. They are based in religious belief, not in science or civil secular law principles. According to the non-establishment clause of the First Amendment, we should not be allowing clergy to have the right to certify the civil contract of marriage. It grants civil legal power to clergy. So why aren’t the legal challenges to those laws being fought on those grounds? Why are we bothering with the vague parameters of civil rights when we have the clear, indisputable First Amendment? Why are setbacks accepted so calmly?

There is a growing feeling in some parts of the LGBT grassroots that those big, moneyed groups that are supposed to be fighting for LGBT rights don’t really have their hearts in it. It is beginning to be believed that they are stalling and procrastinating because they can’t see how they could ever earn as good a living doing anything else. It’s a nasty, catty thing to rumor, but it has an unfortunate basis in evidence. What have they done for you lately? Not bloody much.

Do you remember in May of 1990, when Doonesbury comic strip character Andy Lippincott died of AIDS in his earthquake-damaged apartment as the Beach Boys “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” played in the background? The song is so relevant to the battle for same sex marriage rights. The moment was so poignant, so pure in its expression of the hope for equality. “Wouldn’t it be nice if WE….” That was 21 years ago this month. Twenty-one years have been spent giving money to lobbyists, giving money to legal experts, and falling farther and farther away from the goals. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’s elimination is still being held up by fanatical anti-gays in Congress. Those same fanatics want to use taxpayers’ money to hire an outside law firm to defend the indefensible in DOMA. We are losing ground to the religious rightwingnuts every day, both on gay rights issues and women’s rights issues.

If you can imagine how nice it would be if you were equal, if you can see a future without the conflict, with the battles won, with all men and women free and equal and able to determine their own futures, then you should be the one leading the charge, not a bunch of overpaid “activists” who can’t imagine that they could have fulfilling lives without that identity of “activist.”

Related articles

• Faith Leaders Speak Out Against Anti-LGBT Marriage Amendment in North Carolina (hrcbackstory.org)
• Minnesota House Passes Anti-Gay Marriage Amendment (lezgetreal.com)
• New HRC Poll Shows Majority of Christians Support LGBT Equality (hrcbackstory.org)
• Equality NC’s faith leaders press conference challenges anti-gay lawmakers, counters fundie rally (pamshouseblend.com)
• As Anti-Marriage Group Wants ‘Adult’ Debate, Senator Frankin Expresses Dismay Over Minnesota Vote (lezgetreal.com)
• Minnesota Marriage Battle Begins (advocate.com)
• Poll: Christians Support LGBT Equality (advocate.com)

Nerina Penzhorn’s upcoming documentary, “Waited For” centers around stories of South African lesbians (the majority of which, happen to be white) that adopt across racial lines by adopting mostly black children.

The documentary is starting to make the festival circuit rounds, staring with Frameline and New Zealand in the June months. Afterward, it will be featured at the Out in Africa Film Festival in South Africa in August.

WAITED FOR preview from Nerina Penzhorn on Vimeo.

Prince Charles and Princess Anne

The second marriages of Princess Anne and Prince Charles both began under clouds of adultery during the collapses of their first marriages. Or, if one is of a more romantic frame of mind, one could say they were examples of youthful mistakes corrected by true love. Take your pick.

Just as Princess Anne and her husband Mark Phillips were separating, a set of letters found its way to the tabloid newspaper, The Sun. They had been stolen from the Princess’ apartment in Buckingham Palace and were written to her by her mother’s equerry, Royal Navy Commander Timothy Laurence. [An equerry was originally the master of the monarch’s horses. Now, in addition to supervising the royal fleet of cars, limos, horses and whatevers in the Royal Mews, he is Deputy Master of the Household and a personal aide-de-camp. And no, not all the royal vehicles are Rolls limos. In her younger days, like about before she turned 70, the Queen would drive herself to Windsor for weekends in a Land Rover.] The story of the purloined love letters hit the press on April 10, 1989. Though the letters were never published, being turned over to Scotland Yard in a marvelous case of journalistic sensitivity, they were alleged by another paper to be of “an extremely personal and intimate nature” and “too hot to handle.”

In this manner, the world first learned about Timothy James Hamilton Laurence. Born March 1, 1955 to Guy Stewart Laurence, a salesman, and Barbara Alison Symons Laurence, he attended University College, University of Durham, on a naval scholarship, where he received his Bachelors in geography. He entered the Royal Navy in 1973, where he quickly rose in the ranks. In April 1986, he was appointed equerry to the Queen. In 1989, he returned to the navy, posted to the new frigate H.M.S. Boxer, becoming its commanding officer in 1990.

Princess Anne and Rear Adm. Timothy Laurence

Princess Anne is an intensely private person, but during the two years leading up to the finalization of her divorce, she and Commander Laurence attended charity events together. Eight months after the April, 1992 divorce, they were married in a very private, very small, very quiet Church of Scotland ceremony at Crathie Parish Church in Ballater, Scotland, near Balmoral Castle. Anne wore a simple white suit. Timothy wore his uniform. The Queen wore a beaming smile. They had chosen to marry in the Church of Scotland because of the problems of divorced persons marrying in the Church of England. More on that later.

Following the marriage, they briefly rented an apartment in London’s Dolphin Square complex in Westminster, but gave that up and keep an apartment in Buckingham Palace. Their primary residence is the farm which Anne has lived in since her first marriage, Gatcombe Park.

Timothy’s career in the navy has continued, finally moving on land in 1997 with an appointment to the Ministry of Defense. He spent time as a visiting fellow at Oxford before being posted to the Joint Services Command. On April 30, 2007, he was promoted to Vice-Admiral and made Chief Executive of Defence Estates. Since July, 2009, he has been Head of Profession for the British Government’s Property Asset Management community. He refused a peerage, or any title, when he married Anne, preferring to simply retain his earned Naval ranks.

It has been, by all accounts, a very successful marriage, with two very busy careers.

Prince Charles first met Camilla Shand at a polo match in 1970. She allegedly introduced herself by saying “My great-grandmother was your great-great-grandfather’s mistress.” The ancestor in question was Alice Frederica Edmonstone Keppel, who was the married mistress of King Edward VII from 1898 to 1910 [there is a story about Queen Alexandra, who was very slender all her life, shocking her ladies by breaking out into gales of laughter when she spotted her husband and Mrs. Keppel, both quite heavy, riding in an open landau.]

Camilla was bor July 1947 in London, but grew up opposite the Plumpton Racecourse, East Sussex, by parents Major Bruce Shand, an officer turned wine merchant who had been a POW during World War II, and The Honourable Rosalind Cubitt, eldest child of Roland Calvert Cubitt, 3^rd Baron Ashcombe.

Charles and Camilla dated and were rumored to be quite serious, but at that time, the press was still imposing the “virginity standard” to prospective brides for the Prince of Wales, and they dug up everything they could on every young woman Charles dated. Camilla failed the “virginity” test because she had already lived with one boyfriend. Additionally, at 23-24, Charles was not prepared to make the final decision about marriage, knowing that he would be expected to never divorce is things went south. He went off to sea in 1972 without any kind of commitment to Camilla, and in 1973, she married Andrew Parker Bowles, with whome she had two children.

The situation with their relationship when he married Lady Diana Spencer July 29, 1981, has been told in several versions. According to one, supported with public photographs, Camilla acted as a mentor to Diana and they were friends. According to Diana, in her famous television interview, there were “three of us in this marriage.” Whatever the truth, by the time Diana and Charles separated, Camilla was the most hated woman in the United Kingdom, and most of the English-speaking world. Revelations about Diana’s affairs – multiple – made no impact on the public perception of her as the wronged innocent.

Andrew Parker Bowles filed for divorce in 1995. A year later, he married Rosemary Pitman.

Following his divorce in 1996, Charles and Camilla kept their relationship very low key. They had just started appearing together in public when Princess Diana was killed in a car crash in Paris. Camilla retreated to the background again until 1999. Though she maintained her own residence, Camilla moved into Charles’ home, Highgrove House near Tetbury in Gloucestershire. Camilla, who had never been one for designer clothes or a high-maintenance lifestyle, was undergoing a make-over, with new clothes, hair, make-up and jewelry.

The monarch of England is the Supreme Governor of the Church of England (which was founded to allow King Henry VIII to repeatedly rid himself of wives), and the prospect of the future King marrying a divorcee (he himself was considered a widower), was controversial. It was around this time that the true facts of Edward VIII’s abdication were made public, that no compromises were approved to allow him to marry the twice divorced Wallis Warfield Simpson because both of them were too cozy with Nazi Germany.

Public and church opinion finally came around to the idea that a civil marriage, with Camilla not becoming queen, would be acceptable to all. It is just a reversal of what Prince Albert did with Queen Victoria and Prince Phillip did with Queen Elizabeth II. They did not become King. Only William III did that. His wife, Queen Mary II was the heir. Albert and Phillip became Prince Consorts. That is what Camilla would become. They became officially engaged in February, with Charles presenting Camilla with an heirloom ring that had belonged to his grandmother, the Queen Mum. He also gave her a favored tiara of his grandmother’s, an antique designed by the famed French jewelers Boucheron as a wedding present. These were personal jewelry that the Queen Mother had bequeathed to her eldest grandchild. There were some objections, but the Human Rights Act of 1998 superceded all previous laws concerning civil marriages by royals, so the objections were dumped.

The wedding was originally scheduled for April 8, 2005, at Windsor Castle, but first the venue had to be changed because the Castle didn’t have the right certification for a civil wedding and would have to make itself available to other couples if it were certified. Then, it was postponed so that Prince Charles could attend the funeral of Pope John Paul II as the Queen’s representative.

Prince Charles and Lady Camilla

Finally, on April 9, 2005, at Windsor Guildhall, Prince Charles wed Camilla Shand Parker Bowles. The families arrived at the Guildhall in hired mini-buses through throngs of well-wishers lining the street so Windsor. The Queen and Prince Phillip did not attend, so as to reduce the chaos at the scene. She attracts admirers wherever she goes. In keeping with a tradition that dates back to 1923, the couple’s wedding rings were crafted of Welsh gold. For the civil ceremony, Camilla wore a cream-coloured dress and coat with a broad-brimmed hat.

Shortly after the wedding party returned to the Castle, the guests started to arrive for the blessing in the St. George’s Chapel. The Chapel had been extensively damaged in the fire in 1992, and faithfully and lovingly restored. There were several surprises among the guests – Sting’s wife Trudy Styler, Joan Rivers, Stephen Fry (Gordon Gordon on Bones), Prunella Scales (Mrs. Fawlty of the Towers), Joanna Lumley (AbFab), Rowan Atkinson (Blackadder). Many have been participants in the Prince’s charities. Also attending were 10 Viceroys from the Commonwealth nations, 8 crowned heads and the leaders of the three major political parties in the U. K. as well as the first ministers of Scotland and Wales and the Secretary fo State for Northern Ireland. There were seven representatives of the Church in attendance. Ms. Scales’ husband, actor Timothy West did the reading during the service, which was performed by the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Antonia Robinson and Anna Valentine created both outfits that Camilla wore. For the blessing, she wore a floor-length embroidered pale blue (looked green on TV) and gold coat over a chiffon gown. Philip Treacy created her hat for the civil ceremony and the dramatic spray of feather she wore for the blessing. Strong breezes made both difficult to control.

Though Camilla is still the object of derision and loathing in some quarters (Graham Norton can just knock it off with the horse jokes.), the couple not only seem very happy, but there has been a noticeable thaw in Prince Charles’ public persona. He’s almost human these days.

The press has been emphasizing Princess Diana’s influence on her two sons in all the lead-up to Prince William’s wedding. I would like to address that briefly. When the boys were at Eton, they went to Buckingham every week for tea with their grandmother. They spent their summer holidays at Balmoral with the Queen and Prince Phillip. They were 15 and 13 when Princess Diana died. When the Queen finally addressed the nation after the Princess’ death, she tried to explain that the family had been concentrating on the boys, she was being a grandmother first and a queen second. Half of Harry’s life has been spent without his mother. Wills and Harry didn’t have just one parent and from everything everyone has seen, their relationship with their father has always been a good one, and improved as they became young men. That is normal with fathers. Concentrating on Princess Diana and ignoring the rest of the family, their father, their grandparents, and, yes, their stepmother, is grossly unfair. These young men are who they are because of all these people, not just one. The manner in which Prince William has been allowed to choose his own path, build his own relationship with Catherine Middleton in a totally modern manner, are very much a consequence of the failed marriages and restricted lives that beset three of Queen Elizabeths’ four children and only her only sister. The ghost of the abdicated King and his wanton lover have been laid to rest. The rules and restrictions on royalty in the 19^th century psyche of their grandfather are over. Now, the Royal Family can move into the future, join the modern world, achieve what so many thought Princess Diana would bring to it.

While A. J. Allen reports directly from London on all the goings-on and the manner in which the British people are celebrating the big day, I’ll be taking tomorrow off from weddings so I can be wide awake at 3 a.m. on Friday morning to join the billions glued to their TV screens. The difference is, my computer will be on and I’ll be typing like a fiend. See you then and I hope I haven’t bored you too badly.

Related articles

• A Century of Royal Weddings, Anne (lezgetreal.com)
• A Century of Royal Weddings, Charles (lezgetreal.com)
• In Defense Of Camilla Parker Bowles (thegloss.com)
• A Century of Royal Weddings, Andrew and Edward (lezgetreal.com)
• A Century of Royal Weddings, The Two Elizabeths (lezgetreal.com)

Virginia Atty. Gen. Ken Cuccinelli

Sometimes, great legal minds are so focused on one aspect of a law, they fail to see the rest of its implications. That’s what just happened in Virginia.

In Virginia, only married couples – hetero of course – and single men and women regardless of sexual orientation can adopt or foster children. Former Governor Tim Kaine proposed changing the rules to allow same-sex couples to adopt or foster and requiring faith-based adoption services to allow it. The current Republican Governor Bob McDonnell opposed the changes. On Wednesday, the Virginia Board of Social Services voted to reject the changes. Their decision was reinforced by a memo from the state’s Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli II. According to Cuccinelli, the changes would violate Virginia law. Since adoption and fostering are not barred according to sexual orientation or even marital status, one can only assume that the law Cuccinelli thinks would be violated is the one against same-sex marriage.

Other than a slap in the face, though, this ruling does nothing to stop prospective adoptive gay and lesbian parents. Virginia does not have same-sex marriage, so technically, Virginia doesn’t have same-sex couples. The law allows single gays and lesbians to adopt and foster. If there is no such thing in Virginia as a gay couple, then there really is no barrier to adoption or fostering by gays and lesbians. They just have to do it singly, technically. How the family is constructed after that is not governed by the law.

Yes, this ruling imposes a monetary burden on same-sex couples. First, being able to use only one income impacts meeting whatever income requirements the state or agency has for adoption or fostering. Second, the couple will have to come up with the money to have a whole lot of contracts created to protect the rights of the non-adoptive parent. In many ways, it will be no different from the situation faced by a second spouse when the birth parent refuses to surrender parental rights, or even by a first spouse if the child involved was born out-of-wedlock.

We are probably a couple of decades away from the legal system recognizing not just same-sex parenting rights, but the rights of blended families. We need a uniform, streamlined way to deal with the complications of unwed parents, divorced parents, step-parents, surrogacy, artificial insemination and adoption. As long as there are states that think of themselves as a state first and a nation second, we’re stuck with this nonsense. Each state will continue to think of itself as a singular entity and capable of writing laws according to “community standards.”

There really are some issues that cross the straight-LGBT divide and this is one of them. The rights of adopted children to find their birth parents, the rights of parents who have given up their children to find and contact them, the rights of grandparents, the rights of step-parents in the convoluted world of blended families, the rights of non-married parents, these are not just gay issues. We no long are born and die within a five mile radius. We are a very mobile society in which people cross state lines all the time. These are universal issues that are a consequence of our modern society.

Those three words “our modern society” are at the hub of these issues. Conservatives, and especially the religious right, believe in a myth of a perfect little Christian nation where only straights lived, no one earned their living in prostitution, no one ever beat or killed their spouse or children, everyone was white, bluebirds sang in the trees and the skies were not cloudy all day. There is this really stupid e-mail that has been circulating for a few years. It’s main message is about taxes, but it alleges that we were a perfect nation and women stayed home and raised their children just 100 or 60 years ago, depending on the version. When my aunt sent it to me, I reminded her that 70 years ago, my father’s single mother was scrubbing toilets in the same Empire State Building where she had worked thirty years later because she too was a single mother. Duh.

We can’t go back to that perfect world because it never existed. The longer we treat family law according to that myth, the longer we hurt our children. We all agree that children need stable, loving homes. The only way that is going to happen is for us to put the needs of those children above the prejudices of the religious fanatics and above the interests of adults.

On the other hand, LGBT rights should not be granted at the cost of the rights of others. Again, this is one of those cases. Any church that believes that homosexuality is a sin should not be forced to place children in same-sex families, any more than it should be forced to perform same-sex marriages. It is a violations of the religious rights of those churches. Sorry, but no one can truly be free if their freedom is bought at the price of another’s oppression. If the LGBT community ever gets its act together and starts arguing for its rights on the grounds that this is a secular nation and anti-gay laws are back-door establishment of a state religion, then it must be willing to let churches exercise their right to freedom of worship, and that includes just backing away and letting them live in their perfect myths. We can legislate against violence, harassment and discrimination within the secular world, but we should not even try to legislate tolerance, anymore than they should try to legislate intolerance. The best we should be doing is trying to legislate a separation of the secular rights of citizens from the religious rights of other citizens.

On any given issue, one will find literally dozens of advocacy groups. There is no strength in being divided. There is only strength in unity. Those advocating for LGBT parental rights would benefit from working with those who are advocating for single-parent adoption, ease of establishing legal rights for un-married parents, fairness in child support, a whole raft of issues. There is more to be gained from working together to solve the myriad problems of children in a “non-traditional” situation than from narrowing the focus to just gay adoption and gay marriage.

Related articles

• Homophobic Attorney General Derails LGBT Adoption Rights In Virginia (lezgetreal.com)
• Cuccinelli: Va. Should Reject Antibias Policy (advocate.com)
• Virginia Social Services Panel Votes 7-2 to Reject Changes That Would Allow Adoptions by Gay Couples (towleroad.com)
• NOM Goes Ballistic Over Virginia’s New Foster Care And Adoption Regulations (lezgetreal.com)
• State Board of Social Services Fails to Serve the Best Interests of Virginia’s Children (hrcbackstory.org)
• Va. Official Opposes Antibias Rule (advocate.com)

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02/22/2011- by Natasia Langfelder

Can you guys believe that Rosie O’Donnell and girlfriend Tracy Katrick-Anders were together for a whole year? That means Rosie and wife Kelli Carpenter have been split for over a year. Sigh, it just seems like yesterday.

Anywho, Tracy and Rosie’s split affects about a million children. Katrick-Anders has six of her own and Kelli and Rosie have four, so it was pretty irresponsible of them to U-haul it. However, Rosie’s rep is doing damage control saying: “Rosie and Tracy never officially lived under one roof. They have lived near one another for quite some time, and their families still socialize and they see each other frequently.” [Source]

Basically, don’t worry the kids are alright. Pun intended. It’s too bad these two crazy kids couldn’t work it out for the sake of the many, many children. Who’s Rosie going to date next? My money is on either Britney Spears or Chaz Bono. It’s so going to be one of those two.  

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• Rosie O’Donnell Found a Lump in Her Breast (lezgetreal.com)
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She is in 1st grade but goes to 2nd grade for somethings as well. Since she has friends in both classes invites were sent out to each child in the two classes she goes to. The reason this is such a big deal is Madison has four Moms.

My ex is her biological mom, and both of us have since gotten new partners.

So this makes for interesting parent-teacher conference. It must be a little different to have four Mommies descend upon you. So far her teachers have been amazing!

I take our Princess to school everyday and wait at the back of her line with the other parents until the teacher comes to take them to class.

Sometimes my partner is able to come as well so it is well known that Madison has two Moms but I’m not sure that people really get the full picture. So the RSVPs started to come in. By the deadline there were around 10 kids on the list. This wasn’t too bad. Some were from dance and longtime friends from outside of school. I was concerned that some were staying away to not deal with our family situation. This was really a first look for me at what could lie ahead for my daughter with making friends.

Then more people started to give late replies. By the time the party started in the park there were over 20 kids there.

All the parents had been asked to stay and my ex and I greeted them all while our partners monitored the kids and helped out with other party details. We spent time with each of the parents and all were very nice. Some kept to themselves and let the kids play. Others were very chatty and hung out under the ramada and had a great time. Some tried to get to know me better which was great. Not because I need more friends but because it might mean they will be more comfortable with their child playing with my child.

The party was a great success with the birthday girl and all her friends having a great time.

I’m grateful to those that came knowing what they were walking into. However, to those that showed up and were surprised I’m grateful for their attitude at the party. I hope that this small glimpse of the gays putting on the party showed them it’s just like any other kid birthday party they go to. The more parents can see us as just another family the better chance we might have the next time an election rolls around. Not only will they be voting against me but they are voting against a family whose kid plays with their kid.

This is just the start of worrying about her social life.

The question isn’t whether she can make friends but will those friends parents allow the relationship to happen. Time will tell but it feels nice to get this first test out of the way.

Lezzymom has two kids and a wonderful partner. Her political commentary has appeared on C-Span and CSPAN.org. Visit her Lezzymom blog for more of her insights.