“Lets have kids  dear!”

Posted by Melanie Nathan

Choosing Children

08.26.10

A letter from Kate Kendell:-

Twenty-five years ago, I was 25 years old and just starting law school at the University of Utah. I was parenting my daughter Emily, who was 4 years old with her mom, and my former partner, Lori. While it was uncommon for LGBT friends in our circle to be planning for parenthood, it did not occur to Lori or me that we were at the forefront of what would be termed the “gayby boom.”

Lori had been a single parent raising the then 1-year-old Emily when we met. We were just living our lives unaware of a sea-change that was just beginning when it came to issues of parenting and our community. While we were living that life, Academy Award-winning filmmaker Deborah “Chas” Chasnoff and her then life and work partner, Kim Klausner, were in the midst of writing, producing, and directing their groundbreaking film documenting this burgeoning movement. Choosing Children captured on celluloid the choice a growing number of lesbians and gay men were making, a choice that seemed both counter-intuitive and revolutionary: to become parents.

Up until this generation, most LGBT folks were parents because they had been in earlier heterosexual marriages or relationships and then divorced and come out, or vice-versa. In doing so many of them faced hostility from family and former spouses and countless numbers lost or gave up any hope for custody of their children.

Beginning in the early 1980s, a new kind of parenting began emerging. Led by lesbians, often in biological partnership with gay men, women began choosing to have children as lesbian-identified parents. Now, 25 short years later, the groundbreaking idea that lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, and transgender folks can also be parents seems, well, not so groundbreaking. In fact, it is now so commonplace that doing so is viewed by some in our community as assimilationist and pedestrian. Gotta love the march of progress.

But of course, what the fight for the right to be both LGBT and a parent is really about is the right to live a fulfilled and authentic life according to what gives joy and satisfaction to each of us. And in 1985 becoming a parent often meant rejection from both one’s family of origin and one’s chosen family in the lesbian or gay community. It also meant maintaining a pretense of heterosexuality or absolute legal vulnerability because almost every state prohibited openly lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people from adopting, and few if any states provided any parental protections. It was a time of very little community or institutional support for you as a parent or for your child as the son or daughter of a queer parent.

Emily will be 30 next year. She is smart, lovely, creative, open-hearted, and generous. I can hardly believe I have a daughter who is near 30 years old. But then I also can hardly believe the progress we have made in the short time my oldest has been alive. Seeing Choosing Children again was inspiring for many reasons but most of all, it made me really stop and appreciate how far we have come and how much we owe those who blazed this trail uncertain of the terrain ahead of them. Filmmakers Chas and Kim, the parents featured in the film, our own founder Donna Hitchens—who provided legal expertise and commentary—did not intend to be pioneers, but they were, and we are all much better off because of the choices they made.

So please join us for the upcoming Choosing Children 25th Anniversary Screening and Reception, a film that is now a crucial and transformative story of our movement. Our evening together promises to be a celebration of how far we have come and a promise to not end our quest until every family is valued and safe.

Sincerely,

Kate Kendell

Choosing Children 25th Anniversary Screening and Reception

Groundbreaking Film Exploring the First Generation of LGBT Parents Celebrates 25th Anniversary

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Film Showing and Reception Set for Sept. 14, 2010

SAN FRANCISCO-  Twenty-five years after its premier, the groundbreaking documentary “Choosing Children”—the first film to explore and chronicle the journey taken by lesbians and gay men to become parents after they came out—will return to the silver screen at the Herbst Theater on Sept. 14 to celebrate its 25^th anniversary.

The landmark film, produced by two Bay Area filmmakers, Academy Award winner Debra Chasnoff and Kim Klausner, was released in 1985, introducing viewers to the first generation of lesbians and gay men who chose to become parents after coming out, and contributed to an expanded definition of family that has since opened the doors for millions of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people to become parents. “Before the early 1980s, it was just assumed that if you came out, you gave up the chance and the right to be a parent,” says Chasnoff. “But a small number of brave lesbians and gay men began to challenge that belief. With “Choosing Children” we wanted to share their stories with the world and inspire others that they, too, could redefine family for themselves.”

Chasnoff and Klausner conducted a nationwide search for lesbian-headed families that were navigating what was then a very new legal, political, and social terrain. Ultimately, they found six families who reflected some of the racial and ethnic diversity of our vibrant communities, and who had “chosen children” in different ways. Their stories provide an intimate look at the challenges and joys faced by this early generation of lesbian and gay parents in their quests to build their families—stories that are still fascinating and relevant today.

“Without the pioneering generation that we were able to capture in “Choosing Children,” none of us would have the rights or opportunities for creating families that we have today,” Klausner says. “It is almost beyond comprehension how much the political and social landscape has changed since we made the film.”

The film poignantly captures some of the important history that has contributed to today’s LGBT family rights victories, including the recent Proposition 8 decision by Judge Vaughn Walker here in California. It is partly why so many community groups are cosponsoring this evening celebration for LGBT families, our allies, prospective parents and others.

One of the arenas where the most significant advances have been made is the legal system.

“The legal advances we have made for our families are nothing short of breathtaking,” says National Center for Lesbian Rights Executive Director Kate Kendell. “These gains are largely due to this early generation of lesbians and gay parents, who charted a previously unseen path in order to become parents and raise children, becoming role models for LGBT people everywhere.”

Many Bay Area organizations are joining together for this community-wide screening and celebration to mark the 25th anniversary of Choosing Children, celebrate all the wonderful children LGBT people are now parenting, and raise funds to permanently preserve this historical gem on DVD. The restored 35 mm film print, courtesy of the OUTFEST Legacy Project and the UCLA Film Archive, was a huge hit at last summer’s Los Angeles Lesbian and Gay Film Festival.

If you’ve never seen Choosing Children, here’s your chance to soak up a delightful piece of our cultural history. If you are planning on having children, you will be inspired by the courageous pioneers in the film who figured out how to bring kids into their lives, co-parent with a same-sex partner, and handle concerns from relatives and schools. If you saw the film “back in the day,” this will be a trip down memory lane (including a rarely heard song by Holly Near) and a special moment to marvel at how much progress we’ve made.

The 25^th Anniversary Screening and Reception includes a viewing, and remarks by Chasnoff, Klausner, and the Honorable Donna Hitchens, founder of the National Center for Lesbian Rights who is featured in the film, and dessert reception The event is presented by the National Center for Lesbian Rights, Groundspark, COLAGE, Frameline, Equality California, Our Family Coalition, and PFLAG to celebrate the advances our movement has made in family law and society, and to raise funds to permanently preserve this historical film on DVD.

TICKET and EVENT INFORMATION

“Choosing Children” 25^th Anniversary Screening and Reception

What: “Choosing Children” 25^th anniversary celebration to raise funds to permanently preserve this historical film on DVD
When: 6:30 p.m. on September 14, 2010 (Program begins at 7 p.m.)
Where: Herbst Theater, 401 Van Ness, San Francisco, CA
Cost: $25 (regular admission); $10 (student admission)

Learn more and order tickets

By Melanie Nathan
nathan@privatecourts.com

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Hey Lezzies, Welcome back to “Ask A Femme.” I’m Natasia and I dish out advice on love, dating, relationships, friendship, career, family and fashion issues. This week, one of our readers is having trouble deciding whether or not to let her girlfriend date a man at the same time.  

Dear Femme,

I am dating a woman but she wants children too. She wants to start a relationship with a man and I was upset about that. If she starts this relationship, I’m afraid she would leave me for him. But I noticed she really enjoys the things I do for her in and outside the bedroom. I’m not sure what I should do. Do I tell her no or go along with it?   

-Lilah-

Thanks for writing in, Lilah. The best thing for you to do in this situation is sit down and have an honest discussion with your girlfriend. I’m sure you both know it is possible to have a child with another woman, all it takes is a sperm bank! So her reasoning for wanting to have a boyfriend and a girlfriend is really just a week excuse. It could be that she wants to have her cake and eat it too and have you and the man she is attracted to dating her at the same time. Or she could be testing you. She might want you to step up and tell her that she is important to you and you want to be monogamous with her.

So talk to her, tell her that she can either be with you or she can have a boyfriend, but she can’t have both because that’s not what YOU want. Stand up for yourself, you need to make sure that you are in a relationship that works for you. Life is too short to spend it with someone who is going to make you unhappy or take advantage of you for what you can do in the bedroom and outside of it. If she refuses to give up her dream of have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time, dump her and find someone who only wants you. Good luck Lilah and let us know how it goes.

P.s. Lila is also the name of the main character in my novel, Chasing Tail! You can read it in GAY e-magazine, the online publication by the world’s funniest lesbians!

Have a question? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

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A good ol’ lesbian with the name ‘Melanie ’ leaves a comment on the website of “Marriage Matters”  at a somewhat lame  post which quotes an  article by an old bloke, married for 30 years, providing tips for longevity of marriage.

While Melanie has been married since 2008 (one of the lucky Pre-Prop 8, 18,000 in California , ) she thought that the advice warranted her comment, seeing that she is relatively new to marriage (well that is really because she had to wait 7 years for the law) and the advice seemed sound; it could certainly work for Melanie and her wife. Of course she  thanked the post host.

Marriage Matters, is a mentoring programs supported by  the politically influential Christian organization, Iowa Family Policy Center, which received $3 million in federal grants between 2004 and 2009.  The IFPC, described as a “leading voice of opposition to same-sex marriage in Iowa, ”   was recently called to task in an Article by the Iowa Independent, raising Church vs. State questions in this regard.

Marriage Matter’s Site:- Advice for ALL – Including this lesbian because they have been funded by  my TAX Dollars

“Long-lasting Love in Marriage http://www.healthy-marriage.com/

“Sharing two hobbies, having three cuddles every 24 hours, saying at least one ‘I love you’ a day and enjoying… Coming from a couple who has been married for 30+ years, these tips in Rodney Grubbs’ article, 3 Kisses a Day give us some insight on marriage and how couple can keep their love for each other fresh and alive.

“Sharing two hobbies, having three cuddles every 24 hours, saying at least one ‘I love you’ a day and enjoying two romantic meals a month will help ensure a lasting liaison,”

• The “ideal partnership” involves an older groom and a younger bride, possibly due to the increased emotional and financial stability of the groom/husband in such unions.
• “Regular kisses, cuddles and romantic nights out” are critical to keeping the magic alive after the honeymoon is over.
• Ideally, married couples should say “I love you” at least once every day and have sex three times a week.
• It doesn’t hurt to plan at least two romantic meals out per month and three nights of cuddling on the sofa per week.
• An “ideal” couple, according to the research, maintain regular contact, even during are at work hours, “through at least three phone calls, text messages, or emails.”

Long-lasting Love in Marriage

My Wife and I have been married since July 2008. We do a lot of what you describe here and will follow your shining example so that we too can enjoy a magnificent 30 years. Thanks for posting.

I thought it a great idea to acknowledge the advice from someone so experienced.  May as well make use of the site if its funded by ALL of our tax money!  Why don’t more of you pay them a visit and show your appreciation for the grand advice. Especially those of us who were lucky enough to marry when we had the chance! I calculate 17,999 comments from California alone.

IFPC is set to receive $550,000 through the US Healthy Marriage Demonstration Fund in 2011.

According to The Iowa Independent: A representative of the U.S. Healthy Marriage program in Washington, D.C., told The Iowa Independent that certain overlap in spending might occur between the grantee (IFPC) and contractor programs (Marriage Matters), although not technically allowed. Marriage Matters is not registered with Iowa Secretary of State as a separate corporation, but rather as a registered trademark of the Iowa Family Policy Center. Mike Hartwig, Bryan English, Marriage Matters, The Iowa Family Policy Center and the IFPC Action PAC all share office space at 1100 N. Hickory Blvd. in Pleasant Hill, and Hartwig is paid a salary as vice president of IFPC

Melanie Nathan LGBT ADvocate /Activist

BY Melanie Nathan
nathan@privatecourts.com
see me on FB

@oblogdeeoblogda

“Two surprise weekends away every year, will also keep the marriage strong.””OOOPS forgot this one!!!!

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The celebration includes a Hebrew language LGBT film series, theatrical and musical performances by prominent Israeli artists, cooking demonstrations, art exhibitions, literary readings, and panels discussions on LGBT culture in Israel and Zionist perspectives.

This Thursday April 8 a local anti-Israel group called QUIT (”Queers Undermining Israeli Terrorism”)will be protesting outside the Roxie Theater (16th and Valencia Streets, San Francisco) where the festival will have its opening night films.

This is no time to be bringing  Israel’s political debates or American foreign policy into our LGBT  cultural explorations.  We are   fighting our own struggle here , in the USA – for Equality.    Our struggle is not one that has anything to do with Israel’s policies.  Separate issue, wrong place – I say please quit  QUIT!

Israel is one of the few Countries that treats its Queers with respect and dignity enacting pro gay laws in the Knesset and providing for full equality under the law, notwithstanding its religious basis.

The USA   is a Country that has a reprehensible discrimination record against the LGBT community.  I say QUIT should quit!

This festival is truly a gift and should be supported for what it is.  As an out Jewish lesbian I am grateful for Israel’s  Knesset.  It serves as a shining example and provides hope to us here in the US as we look up to its record on equality.

We are calling supporters of  LGBT equality to turn out and show support for ISRAEL as a country that fully supports LGBT equality. The right wing or religious views in Israel have not hampered equality there as it has done here.

However, my wife, Dorit Nathan-Israel,  who is Israeli disagrees with me completely (here we are -James and Mary) and says that QUIT has ever right to protest – that is their view and this is a legitimate venue to express it.   This, she says, is a human rights issue too, for them and so it is fair for them to be there. She says Quit should not Quit but supporters on the other side of the issue should come out to express heir views as well.

However, Dear Wife, because this post is mine…. I have the last word…. and it goes like this..

So San Francisco we are a Queer first CITY .… when it comes to our needs and right now our need is Equality which will only be engendered through acceptance.  This cultural event moves the discussion toward acceptance and so we are obligated to support it.   When we have full acceptance and full equality here in the USA, then we can afford to protest other issues should we choose.

To QUIT I say this – QUIT! Join the fight for Equality dear brothers and sisters and then we can talk more….

“Out in Israel” is, sponsored in part by the Israeli Consulate, the San Francisco and East Bay Federations, JCRC, BlueStarPR, and Congregation Sha’ar Zahav.

More information can be found about festival at http://www.sanfranciscosentinel.com/?p=67384

Post dedicated to my beloved Granny Rosie, of  blessed memory,  on this what would have been her birthday.

By Melanie Nathan
nathan@privatecourts.com
Picture above: My Wedding at Congregation Rodef Sholom
Married by rabbi Stacy Friedman

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The Holidays can be a great time of the year… but sometime… if you are in a new committed lesbian relationship… after you’ve gone over the river and through the woods to grandma house… you might have just a bit of ‘splainin to do and a lot of questions…

Jessica Clark & Lacey Stone tackle the festive season. Whose house should we go to… How do we handle the awkwardness… Can we sleep in the same bed?

Lesbian Love The Festive Season from lacey stone on Vimeo.

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Every day LGBT people face inequalities that just don’t make sense, from small acts of discrimination to ones with tragic consequences. The hard reality is that you find out what rights you have when you need them the most. For many of us, that means that we have to ask ourselves, am I protected? Unfortunately, we have a long ways to go, and each and every one of us must do our part. Visit http://amiprotected.org.

Charlene Strong lost her partner Kate Fleming after a tragic flooding incident in Seattle in late 2006, and was nearly barred from seeing Fleming in her last moments of life. Strongs heart-wrenching testimony about the hospital ordeal helped prompt Washington State to pass domestic partnership protections for same-sex couples. The award-winning feature documentary “for my wife” chronicles Strongs journey through tragedy to activism.

Equal Rights Washington Education Fund is responsible for this ad. http://amiprotected.org

The letter said:

Your marriage was a momentous event. There is usually a period of adjustment after a marriage, unless you have been together a long time. How satisfied are you with your marital relationship now?

You have an opportunity to evaluate your relationship by thinking about your answers to a questionnaire on the internet. If you do not have access to the Internet at home or work, you should be able to do so free at a public library or for a small fee at an internet cafe.

The questionnaire is entirely enonymous and contains no advertising. It is for adults of all ages, genders, and cultural backgrounds, in a marriage, other committed relationships or a casual relationship. It has been approved by the Human Subjects Protection Committee at Whittier College.

The study is being conducted by Professor of Psychology Charles T Hill, PhD through the Whittier College website at http://web.whittier.edu/chill/ir.

The call for couples concluded by saying:

This is especially important now at a time when the definition of marriage is being debated.

The study will also reportedly allow comparisons with a previous study on intimate relationships done in 1972 called the Boston Couples Study.

Same-sex couples are encouraged to participate, although the study is open to anyone over the age of 18.

Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her online by visiting her website at www.juliephineas.com.

When I first heard about the possibility of lesbian bed death, I took a personal vow to do what ever could so that it wouldn’t happen to my wife and I, and since then I have learned a lot about it.

The term “lesbian bed death” itself was coined by sociologist Pepper Schwartz in her 1983 book “American Couples”. According to Schwartz, lesbians have less sex than any other type of couple, and they generally experience less sexual intimacy the longer the relationship lasts.

If you are a sexual person, and sexual intimacy is important to you in a relationship, lesbian bed death can be a bummer. I’ve found that with some lesbians I have talked to however that it’s not really a big deal to them and they are okay without having the pressure to perform or the need to be naked with their partner. Regardless of the personal preferences of each couple, the actual reality of lesbian bed death is something that many lesbians face, and it’s not just because we’re gay.

Aging plays a big part in the reduction of sexual intimacy between all couples both gay and straight. So does life in general… it’s hard to wind down and not think about work, bills and everything else. Couples with children have to be more creative about getting together and are prone to have sex less frequently as their children age.

Many couples face struggle when one has different ideas of what intimacy means than the other. One might be satisfied with cuddling in bed, another might desire a more comprehensive encounter. Timing is a factor as well. We don’t as a society ask the person we are dating what time of day they enjoy having sex in the first conversation we have. It can take a long time with your partner before you have the full scope of them sexually; including their likes, dislikes and response to your particular sexual personality. This is true for both heterosexual and same-sex couples.

Aside from all of the factors above, I think a big factor in lesbian bed death could actually be hormonal.

There is a study showing that 80% of lesbians have poly-cystic ovaries, and 38% of them have polycystic ovarian syndrome. Having PCOS myself, I know personally the effects that fluctuating hormones can have on a person. Even if you didn’t have the syndrome, having cysts on your ovaries affects your hormones. You can have elevated levels of any of the major sex hormones such as estrogen and testosterone. It’s easy to talk about these things in passing, but estrogen and testosterone have major implications in how our bodies work affecting our body and mood, and even our personality to some degree. Just think about a women who is going through PMS, or a man who has been taking steroids and you might understand what I mean.

Men do not experience the dramatic fluctuations in hormones that women do, and thus why you wouldn’t have “gay bed death”.

This is also why in heterosexual relationships where the sex life has died it is usually the woman whose interest in sex has declined and the man who is left complaining that his wife is ‘frigid’ because she’s never in “the mood”. This has led some to attribute lesbian bed death (and the lack of gay bed death) to the fact that there are now two potentially ‘frigid’ women in a relationship who are never in “the mood”.

I completely beg to differ.

True there are two women in a relationship who are not in “the mood”, but not because they are ‘frigid’. If  you follow the rationale that lesbian bed death can be attributed to hormonal factors, you will see that women really are sometimes just not in “the mood” physically. Fluctuating hormones can make you feel all kinds of things (nasueaus, grumpy, achy, depressed, anxious, fatigued, etc.), and for some women feeling sexual is not a regular occurrence. This makes it hard to find the right moment for a partner to approach their wife to be intimate, but now imagine if the partner is also a woman, who approaches their wife less frequently because they are not always feeling sexual themselves.

Overcoming this obstacle in any relationship is going to take some work.

Many suggest spicing up your love life with toys, lingerie, and other excitements. I think those are icing on the cake and should be used as incentives for good behavior, but that’s just me. My personal suggestions for overcoming lesbian bed death (and bed death in general) is to start with communication. You have to talk about it. You have to get to know what the other person likes, dislikes, etc.

Another thing to work on is your willingness. What are you willing to experience and what is your partner willing to experience?

Then have some compassion. Has your partner had a long day at work? Has it been a while since you two have been intimate? Do you have an un-resolved issue between you two? Whatever the case be sure you are compassionate to what is going on in each others lives and consider if being intimate is the right thing for both of you before you make your move.

When you have the chance to be intimate with  your partner, infuse the moment with passion.

Don’t show up to this moment with half hearted intentions. Show each other why you are the one that each other has chosen to share these moments with. Passion between lovers is unparalleled, and those moments can give you something to reflect on afterward until your next time together.

When its all said and done, show each other some gratitude. Be grateful you have a partner to share intimate moments with no matter how few or far between. Don’t be afraid to leave each other thank you notes or express your gratitude in other ways.

Other things you can do to help your partner get in the mood if you suspect that hormonal fluctuations are playing a part in your bed death…

• Exercise! Even if you are just dancing around the room, getting your blood flowing and body moving also gets the adrenaline flowing and releases other stimulating effects as well.
• Drink plenty of water and get plenty of rest. Drinking water flushes out toxins from our body that can trigger reactions which affect our hormones. Getting proper sleep is essential to the body’s proper processing of hormones, as well as other basic functions your body needs to feel good.
• Just be happy. Do things that make you happy and elevate your mood. Visit friends, listen to music, go for a drive. Get yourself in a good mood and then carry it over to the bedroom.

Remember, by no means am I an expert, just a gay girl with a view on the subject, so if you feel that you are facing a serious problem, I truly endorse visiting a professional in the field.

If you have any ideas or insights on lesbian bed death, please feel free to share them in our comments section below.

by bobster1985

I was very sad to learn that one of the couples involved in the landmark case in the state of Massachusetts which legalized same sex marriage in that state recently filed for divorce following a lengthy 2 year separation. (article) This is not the first same sex couple in a landmark marriage case to divorce. A lesbian couple who married in 2003 a week after a landmark decision legalized same-sex marriage in Ontario, Canada had been together for nearly 10 years; but they separated after just five days of marriage. (article) A lesbian couple who married in California in 2008, after a landmark decision struck down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage, filed for divorce only three days later, citing “irreconcilable differences”.

“In a way, gays and lesbians had a common enemy in the form of the state and society. People who have common enemies tend to stick together.” But once they are able to “marry,” he said, “It’s no longer you and me against the world – it’s you and me against each other.”

Boston divorce attorney Gerald Nissenbaum told the Boston Herald that the lesbian couple from Massachusetts may have lost their spark after they won their battle in the courts.

“Whenever there’s a cause that keeps people together, once the cause is over, in my experience, there’s a high rate of dissolution of the relationship,” he said. “It’s sad, but it’s real.”

He added,

“And what a surprise: Gay people are like everyone else.”

On a personal note, I am one of the 18,000 couples that were married in California before Proposition 8 eliminated marriage rights for same sex couples, and I know that our relationship has been under stress throughout our journey. We see how landmark lesbian couples are thrown into the spotlight, and when we got married there were TV crews present throughout. The lesbian couple who was the first in line to get married when we did here in Los Angeles was on the front page of every newspaper in the area in every language. Having your relationship scrutinized is hard and that’s exactly what happens to these couples. I know that if my wife and I didn’t have good communication, we might not have made it through these crazy times. I can’t even imagine the legal battles and press conferences and media scrutiny that landmark lesbian couples have had to endure. Now that we are facing having our marriage nullified via Proposition 8, we are making sure to take time to nurture our relationship and stay connected through it all. I feel a certain kinship with any same sex couple who has been through a marriage, and I am always rooting for them to stay together. When I found out that the landmark lesbian couple from Massachusetts was parting ways it made me sad. Having been through a divorce once myself, I sincerely wish them the best. Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her by visiting her page on MySpace.

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I mean, is it my lack of a perfect body that caused us to have sex only 1 time in 10 days on a romantic cruise?

Clearly, my lovely spouse is more insensitive than any husband/man on the face of the Earth.

On the way home from our cruise I was wearing a tight tank top under a cotton/mesh sweater. It was extremely hot and so for a brief moment, while we were loading the luggage into the car, I took off the sweater. In doing so I made the comment that I planned on putting my sweater back on as soon as I cooled off. In reply my lovely spouse said, “What, you don’t want to look like a stuffed sausage?”

Really! Would any man even consider saying that to his wife? Women who think that men are insensitive should try being with a lipstick lesbian for a few minutes. I mean after the sex is over – and it will be over – it’s like living for the rest of your life with your selfish, mean-spirited little bossy sister.

Susan – if you ever get over the Rocky Mountains or out of the Gulf of Mexico . . . call me . . .

Two Lesbos Goin At It is at www.twolesbosgoinatit.com

I didn’t say it was perfect, but really, it’s pretty great. I don’t know if everybody in the world is looking to get married, or even to settle down with someone long term. But if you are, then I think my wife and I are a pretty good example of what a great relationship looks like.

It didn’t come overnight, we didn’t always have a great relationship, and there were times when we didn’t know if we would make it.

All in all, I know we’re both on the same page now, we’re both in this for life, and we love each other with every fiber of our being. What got us to this point, and through all the tough times in between, was true communication. I firmly believe that in this lesbian relationship, communication is KEY.

Coming from a history of failed relationships with both men and women, I can honestly say that going into this I had a clear picture in my mind of what would and wouldn’t work for me in a relationship.

The problem with this is that it became a double edged sword for me in that having this sense of clarity was more of a hindrance than a help. I was becoming set in my ways. Then here she comes, the love of my life, and I knew in an instant there was something deeper there that I should pursue, but she had a clear picture of her own as well. It seemed as though we had both found the person who would be the perfect partner for each other, and yet taking that step towards relationship bliss was a frightening and sobering thought because we both knew what we wanted and expected the other to rise up to that expectation.

It’s hard when you see something within somebody that they don’t see themselves.

It can also be frustrating for one person to expect something from another person who has no clue what’s expected of them. I have often found myself wishing that she could just read my mind, or I hers. Alas, that is not how it works and so I am back in the real world and the only thing that seems to work there for us is to talk about it. Even when it’s something you don’t want to talk about. Especially then. Sometimes my wife and I have had conversations where we have told each other things that were uber-embarrassing, or extra-sensitive, or highly confidential. (I have to add here that I trust my wife with my secrets completely, and she knows I am a bit of a blabber mouth but I also know how to keep my mouth shut about critical things too.) Having the guts to talk about things with each other that might bring forth anger, jealousy, or embarrassment has really changed our relationship.

We know each other that much better, more than anyone else in the world knows us, and we truly understand where the other is coming from.

We may not always agree with each other but at least we can understand each other and work with that information as best we can. And those uncomfortable emotions eventually go away, but what also goes away is the fear. The fear that a misunderstanding might lead to a break up, or the fear that there are secrets you know nothing about. Insecurity and anxiety don’t do well for relationships in my experience, and now that I have a secure, stable, and communicative relationship with my wife we can work together to focus on other, finer things in life; and truly enjoy each other in the process.

Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her by visiting her page on MySpace.

You know what she really wants, don’t you??

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