What’s your type?  Do you think you have one?

I’ve been asked this question before.  Haven’t we all?   To tell the truth, I feel a little uncomfortable answering.  The images that pop in my head of my “dream girl” (my dream girl would have to be my type, right?) make me feel shallow, narcissistic.  Boobs.  Long hair.  Abs.  The images that pop into my head are all physical attributes.  What the hell?  I’m kidding myself.  That isn’t my type…  But wait, I have a subscription to Playboy…?

So what is mine?  Do I even have one?

I look back at the four relationships I’ve been in.  I don’t think each girl could be more different than the other.

Girl #1: redhead, lifeguard, country girl, averagely talented at theatre/sports, an overall nice Minnesota girl

Girl #2: brunette, tall, incredibly intelligent, amazing actress, awesome personality, “X-Files” and “Friends” geek (I say this with love)

Girl #3: Can I describe Angela as a girl? Ha… masculine, muscular, short, outstanding athlete, quick to laugh, just as quick to anger, a cop

Girl #4: blonde, southern, small, not an athlete OR an actress, crazy, spontaneous, sexy

Um.  Maybe I don’t have a type?

Still, I look at my list above and one relationship stands out.  (One of these things is not like the other. Ha…) It was the only time I ever dated someone I didn’t feel at the time was my type.  Read: feminine.  If I wanted to date a guy, I’d date a guy, right?  And um, I’m a lesbian.

I remember when I first met Angela.  Online.  Myspace.  (You can laugh now.)

She pursued me heavily.  A first.  I wasn’t the “boy” in the relationship.  Also a first.  SHE took care of ME.  Bought me dinner.  Gave me presents.  Held the door.  Offered her arm.  Did this feel unnatural for me?  At times.  Honestly, I’d rather have someone hold MY arm.  But for some reason, with Ang, I felt I could relax.  Being the “guy” in a relationship is a lot of work, even when you’re good at it.

She was a cop.  She sent pictures of herself in uniform, and I could see that she had short-cropped hair, shorter than mine.  But her eyes were almond colored, and were extremely feminine.  She had a great smile, great teeth.  Did I mention the “cop” thing?

After three months of talking online, and another month of phone conversation, we finally agreed to meet for a weekend in Indianapolis.  She arrived at the hotel first, and when she opened the door to the room, my first thought was… “My god, she looks like a little DUDE!”  I mean, I shouldn’t have been that surprised; I had pictures.  But the way she carried herself, her physicality…  It was in that moment, that exact second, I said to myself the very thing which has given me the balls to live the way I choose from then on:

Fuck it.

I jumped out of the box I’d put myself in, and decided to try something different.  I’d been speaking to this woman for four months; we had a very real connection.  I didn’t want to write that off because I was worried she wasn’t my type.

And it was different.

I quickly learned she wasn’t really the guy.  I’m embarrassed that I thought she would be.  I was young and naïve.

It’s easy to see why, though.  People look at me and assume.  Am I really the guy?  Anyone that’s been in a relationship with me can tell you, I will cry at “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” harder than you will.  And don’t even get me started on “Intervention”!  And I am almost always the more emotional/more sensitive one in a relationship.  To be truthful, I don’t see gender roles at all in same-sex relationships, be it in day to day living or the bedroom.

Ang and I figured it out.  We loved each other and had a ton of fun.  When a gorgeous girl walked by, did we both stop and stare?  Yes.  Sometimes, she’d turn to me and say “You like the girlie girls!”  Well, yeah.  So did she.  But we also liked each other.

Did I eventually leave her for someone that was blonde, feminine, soft and curvy?  Yep.   And I can tell you right now that it had nothing to do with love, with being in love.  I loved Angela.  I was in love with her. But my relationship with her was in shreds.  She tore me apart.  (That is its own story, yet to be written.)  I didn’t leave her because she wasn’t my type.

I can tell you that I’m glad, in that millisecond outside of the hotel room door, that I said “Fuck it.”  I’m glad I was in that relationship.  I learned a lot about myself, about love in that relationship.  Just as in any relationship I learned what I want in a partner and what I don’t.  When I think back to Angela, I don’t think, “Well, I definitely don’t want someone more masculine than ME again!”  Nope, I think, “I definitely don’t want someone so ANGRY again.”

Why am I even on this topic?  Soccer.

Lately I’ve been watching USA Women’s Soccer and am not going to deny that I didn’t get turned on watching Abby Wambach head two goals in the last two games.  But wait!  She kinda looks like a dude!

So what.

So do I have a type?  Sure.  Talented.  At anything.  Sports?  Ok.  Theatre?  Ok.  Flip cup?  Definitely.  (Kidding. Kinda.)  Intelligent.  Funny.  Motivated.  Driven.

These things are not physical attributes.  Do I have a physical type?  Well…Attractive.  Masculine, feminine, I don’t care.  And you know as well as I do that people become more physically attractive the more you appreciate them for less superficial reasons. (Side note – Google image searched Abby Wambach just for shits and giggles and saw that she used to have long typical soccer-girl hair.  Physically, much more attractive with the new ‘do she’s got going on.  Am I right?)

So, I guess I DO have a type.  It just isn’t physical.

And um, those girls in my Playboy magazine may not have all the non-physical attributes that I’m looking for in a woman, but… I read it for the articles, anyway.

Alex Fox

I started with your typical sports. Tee-ball when I was old enough, moving into softball, dance (tap, ballet, jazz), eventually basketball, then when I was in eighth grade, out of nowhere, I turned to my stepmom and said:

“I want to play soccer.”
“What? Why? That’s too manly of a sport.”
“I want to play soccer.”
“No.”

Ok. There went that dream.

For the time being.

Without her approval or signature on the little slip, I decided to change the conversation:

“I want to play volleyball.”
“Oh how fun! That’ll be so much fun for you..!”

So there it was. I was a volleyball player.

NO OFFENSE! I love standing around and hitting balls, but coooome oooon! I wanted to run! I wanted to run and kick balls! But… No. It wasn’t “feminine” enough.

Two years later, I tried again.

“I want to play soccer.”
“No.”
“I’m going to play soccer.”

And so I did. And I LOVED it. Excuse me. LOVE it.

It is something they have been searching for…

Individual sports for women have always had greater success and longevity than team sports. One of the oldest professional sports for women in the United States is golf. Established in 1950, it only took two decades for it to become an international organization. Even women’s professional bowling was established before the 1960s. Women’s tennis in the 1970s. All still going strong.

It is something they have fought for…

Something they have earned…

On the opposite side, we have women’s professional team sports, which have always had a difficult time surviving and stabilizing. Why? Well, some people argue that it is the masculine image of team sports that has inhibited some women from participating. The aggression. The sweat. The contact. The competitiveness… All these “unladylike” attributes… And yet men don’t think women sports are intense or aggressive ENOUGH, so there goes that fan-base…

It is something they are slowly receiving…

Respect.

Not only as women, but as female athletes.

The professional female athletic organizations and systems are finally gaining acceptance as offering respectable and entertaining sports that are worthy of public and national attention. Now it is up to the management of these organizations to attract more spectators in order for them to be considered successful and for women’s athletics to permeate society as a whole.

Considering the lack of acknowledgement soccer has received in the United States, it doesn’t exactly surprise me that rumored gay-thletes are hesitant to come out and embrace their assumed sexuality/relationships (cough-cough Abby Wambach and Megan Rapinoe). The seductive looks… The matching hair… the on- and off-field chemistry… It’s all there. We see it.

And we LOVE it.

While some of us may agree that it would be extremely liberating and show immense support for the gay community, I personally don’t think it’s solely their decision to keep their relationship and sexual preferences a secret. Their “agents” more than likely view homosexuality as a “threat” to their “brand.” Even some college coaches threaten their players about announcing and admitting to their tendencies while some coaches won’t even allow gay-thletes on their team. I mean even going from the long-haired, ponytail, feminine brunette to a hair cut that just screams LESBIAN!, Wambach took a huge step forward; she now looks the “part” to fit the rumors.

And with the recent, undeniable success of the U.S.A. National Women’s soccer team? The last thing the owners/coaches/players/agents/organizations want is a reason to deter any of their potential fans.

Yet, what they neglect to consider is the number of fans they would ATTRACT by openly admitting to who they are. Showing that they have personalities outside of the soccer facade. A new [and dare-I-say and improved] role model for younger female athletes. Although some may ridicule, others would relentlessly support. Those who may have never been interested in soccer before, now would be.

BASICALLY, all I’m saying…

Abby. Megan. When you read this, just know:

1. Your sexuality is acknowledged.
2. You should embrace it.
3. You have more support than you know.
4. You would make one HOT couple.

GO U.S.A.!

Want more information on this or other gay-thletes? Contact me, Alex Fox, at theunluckyfox@gmail.com.

Have you ever been living dyke drama and thinking “this sucks so hard…but it would make a great book.” Well author Dawn Mueller certainly thought so. Dawn, a Chi-town based lez, found herself single for the first time in nine years at the age of 33. She threw herself headfirst into the shark tank of gay girl dating and channeled her experiences into her first novel, “A Single Year.”

“A Single Year” is a must read for any queer lady, single or taken. Dawn’s writing is honest, sometimes even painfully so. She shows readers her the innermost workings of her mind and her heart and everyone will see parts of themselves reflected there.

Natasia Langfelder: Why did you choose to write about the first year of your life as a single lesbian instead of your life in a relationship?

Dawn Mueller: Honestly I never thought about writing about my life in a relationship. I am typically more compelled to write when my life is in chaos than when my life is in balance (not that being in a relationship equals balance necessarily). Really, when I reviewed all of my exploits and saw that I had enough material for a book, I had to write that before I wrote anything else.

NL: You know I have to ask, are you still single?

DM: I have had a number of relationships since writing A Single Year. Most of them fizzled out in less than a year. My current relationship is nearing the 14-month mark, which is quite a milestone for me after 5 years of ups and downs. We’ll see what happens. In the meantime, I have plenty of material for my next book if things ever calm down enough for me to write it! 

NL: You get really graphic in the book, both in terms of emotions and sex. Did you use the real names of your friends/dates? Do they hate you now?

DM: In some cases I used real names, but I got permission from all of those people beforehand. For the others, I changed the names and some minor details, but left the rest. Generally I changed the names of my dates or people who I may not have portrayed in a flattering light. Most of them probably don’t even know they appear in a book (though I did consider sending them copies ). The characters from the book that I am still in contact with have been very supportive and encouraging. I have not heard from any characters from the book who are angry about it or who hate me. I assume this is either because they don’t know about it or they are too busy sticking pins in their DM voodoo dolls.

NL: Did your family read the book? Did they enjoy the detailed sex scenes?

DM: My sister and mom read the book, though my mom said she skipped some of the steamier scenes. (Phew!) She is my biggest supporter. When my sister was reading it, I was a nervous wreck. She’d keep calling me and telling me how good it was and I’d keep asking her if she’d gotten to the sex scenes yet. I was sure her opinion of the book would change when she got to that point, but it didn’t seem to faze her. She said when she finished, “You definitely had more fun than me.” I told my dad about it recently, but I think some of what I wrote about our relationship made it difficult for him. It’s probably best that he doesn’t read the sex scenes anyway!

NL: In the book you mention that you got some crap from other lesbians for being open to threesomes with couples. Have lesbians who have read your book harshed out on you for having sexual encounters with men?

DM: Surprisingly enough, I have not heard from that contingent. I’m sure that’s only because it hasn’t reached them yet. The movie “The Kids are All Right” had those lesbians all up in arms, and I was reminded once again that sleeping with a man is still the lesbian kiss of death to some. Knowing that I was opening myself up to that kind of scrutiny was one of the many reasons why it took me so long to publish. I wanted to be prepared for the backlash, but I discovered you can never be prepared for the kind of criticism this type of book evokes. Stories as personal and revealing as mine tend to trigger pretty strong responses from either side. I just have to learn to roll with the punches as they come.

NL: Are there women who won’t date you because of the book?

DM: I was dating a woman around the time I was shopping for publishers for the book and I let her read some of it. She was shocked and very unhappy about the whole thing (to put it mildly). Our relationship was never quite the same and ended soon after. I had a woman tell me once that she wouldn’t date me because she didn’t want me to write about her. Generally though, I find that sharing the book with a potential partner serves as a good gauge for whether or not we are compatible. If she has a problem with it or with anything I’ve done, we probably aren’t a good match. The sooner I find that out, the better!

NL: What did your ex think of the book? Do you think you two will ever be able to be friends?

DM: As far as I know, my ex does not know about the book, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she found out about it on her own. I still live in the same building with her and she still doesn’t talk to me. If there was ever a chance in hell of us being friends (and that’s an enormous IF), the book pretty much blew that to bits. I don’t think I include anything particularly damning towards her, but it was a lot for me to reveal about our relationship. Initially I tried to tiptoe around that part of my story, but it is such a central part of what happened that I had to tell the truth, even the ugly parts of it.

NL: In your book, you mentioned that you run with an LGBT group. Do you still run with them?

DM: Yes, I still run with Frontrunners/Frontwalkers Chicago, though I am not as consistent as I used to be. They are an awesome group.

NL: In ‘A Single Year’ you address the clique-iness of the lesbian community, but you managed to integrate pretty well. What tips would you give readers who are looking to expand their social lesbian circle (without sleeping with everyone in sight)?

DM: This is where Frontrunners came in handy. I learned to be more comfortable in social settings and gained a lot of confidence through them. I definitely recommend finding a GLBT group of interest and exploring where that can lead. Plus, I really think it helps that I don’t drink. Hanging out in bars is not the ideal setting for a drama-free lesbian existence. I’m sure I would have found myself in a lot more messy situations if I didn’t have the presence of mind I’ve gotten through sobriety. You really just have to gauge each situation and try to act accordingly. Weigh the risks with the benefits. Try not to be impulsive. The community is so small even in a city like Chicago that if you make the wrong decision (even if it’s the right decision for you), it can come back to haunt you.

NL: If the book was made into a movie, which actresses would play you and your main love interests, Mimi, Vann and Jamie?

DM: Funny, I think I probably spent more time thinking about this question than any of the others! It’s tough. I can’t think of any particular actresses that could completely embody the characters, but I have some ideas. For instance, Mimi would be a Filipino actress with the bubbly personality of Drew Barrymore. Vann would be a physically stronger, more butch Katherine Moennig. Jamie would be a shorter, darker, Queen Latifah. Me, I would be a younger, dorkier Ellen Degeneres. 

NL: Do you have any upcoming writing projects?

DM: I have no immediate plans, but I’m slowly compiling material for the next book. Meanwhile, I am also promoting the book and appearing at book stores here and there. I have a reading at Women and Children First on June 16th and there are several other events coming up that coincide with Pride Month here in Chicago.

NL: Where can your fans find you?

DM: I can be found on twitter @a_single_year, fan me on FB,  or look me up here: http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/asingleyear

NL: What has the best part of this experience been for you?

DM: I went to a book club to discuss the book and someone asked me what the best part of this experience has been. I didn’t have an answer for him at the time, but can now say it would have to be knowing that the book is out there and that people are relating to it. Writing, publishing, and promoting it has led me to places that have both terrified and excited me. I have gone from never wanting to write again to wanting to finish the next one tomorrow. The bottom line is, I have done what I set out to do and never have to look back and think… “What if…”

You can buy “A Single Year” on Amazon. Already read the book and love it? Become a fan on Facebook and stay on top of all Dawn’s upcoming appearances and projects.

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After a brief hiatus (you missed me, didn’t you?), Riley Dylan is back to offer a boi’s perspective on love, dating and relationships.  This week, one lucky reader has won a coveted kitchen appliance!  See below.  Email your questions to RDylan1980@gmail.com.

Dearest Riley,

I am currently in a catch-22 and I am not sure what to do. I was involved with a girl from my softball team this summer, who was straight and said I was the only girl she has ever been attracted to you. Things progressed, problem was, she had a boyfriend. Everything was going in my favor and then boom. She needed us to be strictly friends, so she could figure everything out. She went without talking to me for some time and now recently has broken up with her boyfriend and is talking to me again. We both had strong feelings for one another, but I don’t know where she stands now. I don’t want to be a rebound or get involved to quickly, but I also can’t help the feelings I still have for her. How should I approach this?

Sincerely,

Hopeful Heart

Thank you for writing, Hopeful Heart!

Ah, this boi has a hard time staying away from “straight” teammates, too.  First of all, I recommend reading Alex Fox’s “Playma.. I mean.. Teammates.”  You don’t want your love life upsetting the team dynamic.  That wouldn’t be fair to you, her or the rest of the team.

So she’s broken up with the boyfriend!  Sorry guys, we need our toasters.  Well, it sounds like you don’t know all the exact reasons why she has left her guy.  It could be that she just has relationship problems with him, that she is realizing that she doesn’t prefer only guys, that she has feelings for you, etc.  Until she’s put those reasons out in the open, I wouldn’t assume.

Also, I think the word “rebound” gets a bad rap.  Feelings are feelings are feelings.  Why deny them?  Ever?

Warning: Instant gratification comes with side effects.

Disclaimer: Riley doesn’t give a shit about the above warning.

Sometimes it’s just a matter of being in the right place at the right time.  I stayed with a rebound for years.  I have friends that are married with kids to their rebounds.  If she still has feelings for you, and you for her, I see no reason to put anything on hold simply because you are worried about timing.

However, it sounds like she hasn’t spoken to you on where she stands.  And it might not be the best idea to push her to tell you.  My advice is to begin inviting her to hang out casually again, and enjoy spending time with her.  Don’t push for a relationship.  Don’t push for her to explain how she feels.  Flirt!  Have fun!  Relax and let her feel comfortable around you.  She’s just gone through a break-up and certainly doesn’t need any added pressure.  She’ll appreciate you more if you start off being a great friend, and you can build on that.

After a few weeks of this (weeks, not days, mind you) if you haven’t discovered any answers, then it will be ok for you to ask her direct relationship-oriented questions.

Good luck, Hopeful Heart!  Here’s your toaster.

-Riley

Town Hall, Wrentham, Mass.

The town of Wrentham, Massachusetts, must have an overabundance of police officers. The Board of Selectmen are considering a bill to outlaw dating and sex in their own homes by persons who are going through a divorce. Until the divorce is final, no dates, no sex. No shit.

Selectman Robert Leclair, who allegedly went through a very bitter divorce, says the bill is meant to prevent domestic violence and shield children. Specifically, the bill says that divorcing parents would be prevented from “conducting a dating or sexual relationship within the home.” Enforcing this law would involve a few methods. The children would have to report their parent, the non-resident about-to-be-ex-spouse would have to report his/her suspicions about the parent or the police department would have to keep track of all pending divorces in the town and conduct surprise raids in the evening.

The domestic violence that the bill would prevent is presumably the non-resident about-to-be-ex-spouse trying to beat the hell out of the resident parent for having the effrontery to want to get on with his or her life or attacking the date for trespassing on what the unhappy parent considers his/her property. This bill diminishes the seriousness of domestic violence and places the blame on the person who would be the victim. It says, if you didn’t, date your rejected partner wouldn’t want to beat your brains out or knee-cap your date. Critics of the bill say it takes away a person’s rights. That’s the least of it. It is a huge insult to the victims of domestic violence because it says “you caused it.”

They are also considering a law to override the state’s alimony laws, ending lifetime alimony and capping the amount one spouse is ordered to pay to the other.

That must have been one hell of a divorce that Leclair went through. In addition to sponsoring these bills, he is the former president of Fathers United For Equal Justice, which disbanded in the 1990′s. The group was focused on what they perceived were laws that favored women in the divorce process. Before the Wrentham Board of Selectmen vote on this bill, they should demand the details of Leclair’s divorce – did he spy on his ex-wife, did he stalk her, did he threaten her with violence, did she have a restraining order taken out against him, did he get hit with lifetime alimony? The citizens of Wrentham should be asking if their city is being used to punish Leclair’s ex-wife by proxy.

Then, they should find out what it takes to rid themselves of this man. The law is not the place for settling private scores or take revenge on a whole segment of society for a personal failure.

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Image by cattias.photos via Flickr

5/18/2011- by Natasia Langfelder

Bras: we all wear them. Whether you are a Victoria Secret girl, Hanes lady or Sports Bra sporting chick, the “big reveal” to someone you are dating can make you anxious. Don’t worry chicas, I’m here to help! 

Hi Femme,
I recently bought a bra that has gel filled inserts. It makes my A-cup boobies look incredible. It’s become my standard date bra. I’ve been out with this girl I like four times and the last time, we had a really hot makeout sesh at my place. While we were kissing she tried to feel up my boobs but I had to put the kibosh on it (I didn’t want her to realize my boobs felt like tiny water balloons) and she went home soon after.
She hasn’t called in 2 days and I’m flipping out. I liked her a lot, but what if she thinks I’m not into her anymore? What if we do see each other again and I take my bra off and she realizes I’m not as well endowed as I led her to believe? Should I just toss the bra and the girl and start over?
ABC

Hi ABC,
Thanks for writing in! Oh gosh, don’t throw away the girl or the bra! Look, it’s not dishonest to make the most of your assets. Dating is frequently about selling yourself to the other person, it would be nice if looks didn’t figure into the equation but they do, at least in the beginning. However, you’ve been on four dates with this chick and she probably likes you for your personality too.
Plenty of girls wear padded or push-up bras, it’s a great alternative to breast implants and it’s an easy confidence booster. You are not alone. I believe it was Chilly of TLC that said, “Don’t get implants, just push ‘em up!” It was either her, or Shakespeare. I forget which one.
Anywho call your girl, ask her out on a date for a weekend night so she knows you like her enough to spend a precious weekend night with her. If you two get down and dirty after your date, just take the bra off like it’s no big deal. If you treat it like it ain’t no thang, she won’t think anything of it. If you make the mistake of being dramatic about it, she might think you are crazy. Remember, chances are she’s giving her ladies a little boost too.
Good luck ABC! Let us know how it goes.
Have a love/sex/relationship or dating question? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com 

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Image by richiesoft via Flickr

03/29/2011- by Natasia Langfelder

Welcome back to Lez Ask the Femme, you’re one stop shop for queer loooooove advice. This week, we explore the problem of having a girlfriend who just isn’t into bisexuals.

Dear Femme,

I hope you can help because I’m at the end of my rope with my girlfriend. We have been together for 7 months and she is always picking at me for being bisexual. She says mean things like “I bet you think he’s hot,” whenever a reasonably attractive man walks by. I haven’t even been with a man in years and I’ve never cheated on her! We can’t even watch Grey’s Anatomy together because she say’s that I will go and sleep with a man and get pregnant and make her raise the baby!

When I tell her that she’s bothering me, she says that my being bisexual bothers her, so we are even.  I don’t get it because she knew I was bisexual when we met. If she hated the idea of it so much then why did she even ask me out? What the heck am I supposed to do?

-Bi-furcated

Hi Bi,

Wow. Your girlfriend sounds like a real peach.  If I was you, I would probably ditch her for someone who is less bi-phobic. More and more women are labeling themselves as sexually fluid, so it isn’t too hard to find someone who is more understanding of the nuances of your sexuality.

But, if you want to save this relationship and it sounds like you do, you need to understand that she is very insecure and that’s where this mean spiritedness is coming from. Maybe she didn’t realize just how jealous and insecure she would get when you two first started dating and now that things are serious, she’s terrified of losing you.

You need to sit her down and tell her you want to talk about the bi issue seriously, without the childish “we are even” argument. Seriously, that makes no sense! Tell her what you told me, that she knew who you were when you met her and that as your partner, you want her to accept all your parts. Tell her you know that being with a bisexual can be scary, because it seems like bisexuals have more opportunities to cheat or could have a slight gender preference. Ease her fears by telling her you don’t prefer one sex over the other and that you would never cheat on a romantic partner, especially not her. Add that her bi-phobia is pushing you away and making you feel rejected and unhappy. Those feelings are more likely to make you end the relationship than a hot guy walking down the street, so you need her to stop rejecting one of your core traits.

Good luck, Bi! Let me know what happens.

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com   

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04/11/2011- by Natasia

Do you feel like women are just using you for sex? (Yes, mainstream America. Women enjoy sex and no matter what Sex and the City tells you, we are capable of no strings attached sex. Yes, even lesbians) Do all your dates turn into hook-ups or one night stands? I’m here to help turn that around!  

Hi Natasia,

I was kind of an ugly duckling, I’ve been hot for about a year now and at first it was great. I didn’t realize how easy it would be for me to meet women. I’m a nester and it seems like all the girls I date just want to use me for sex, one night stands, two night stands, bootycalls whatever. I’ve been dating for like 10 months now and it keeps happening. I meet girls in bars and clubs, but also through mutual friends and at the gym.

I think maybe part of it might be because sometimes they are too much younger than I am, I’m late 20s and sometimes I end up with girls in their early 20s. I think it could be a cultural thing too. I’m Brazilian and sex and passion mean different things to me than they do to some American girls. I take it to heart. I don’t think these women see all the potential I see in them…or maybe I’m just being too nice. I’ve always been inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt. One girl told me that we wouldn’t just have sex…then of course we did, cuz I have no will power! How do I turn these girls into potential romantic partners instead of just sex partners?

- Too Sexy Nester

Hi Nester,

It sucks to feel like you are being used for sex! There is definitely a disconnect between the way you are approaching these women and the way they are approaching you. The gym and mutual friends are a great way to meet women, bars and clubs, not as great, but it’s important that you keep putting yourself out there. So keep meeting women at the gym and through mutual friends, but make sure they are closer to your age range. Although there aren’t as many years between you and girls in their early 20s, people change a lot during those years and early 20s are usually for partying. You can tell your friends who want to play matchmaker that you are looking for girlfriend material, that might keep them from introducing you to the town stud.

Meeting a girl in bar makes your appearance the most important thing to her (that’s why she brought you that drink right?) so take looks out of the equation and try some LGBT volunteer work. This way the women you meet know something important about your personality right off the bat and are drawn to your altruism instead of your pretty face. Also, try online dating. I know, I know, it seems awful, but it’s a great way to weed out the girls who are just looking for sex and find the ones that are looking to settle down.

Sigh and now…the Rule. I hate the Rule because it’s so archaic BUT if you are looking for a serious partner…you are going to have to make her work to get you in bed. I would recommend waiting a month from the first date before you get busy in the sheets. This serves two purposes: 1) It will get rid of the girls who aren’t serious about you, can’t see how amazing you are and that you are worth waiting for. 2) It will protect your heart and make you feel less bad when a girl calls it quits. If you feel used by these women, break the cycle now, before it gets worse!

Good luck Nester! I hope you find what you are looking for. Keep me updated.

xoxo
The femme

Have a question only I can answer? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

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Image via Wikipedia

04/05/2011- by Natasia

It was my birthday this weekend! Sooooo in honor of me being old, today we are going to tackle this very timely question: finding the perfect birthday present for that special girl in your life. It’s hard, women are picky and generally you are going to have to read her mind in order to make her happy! A birthday kiss isn’t going to do the trick. So lets get to it girls:

Dear Femme,
Well I decided that I would ask a beautiful femme like yourself what I should get the perfect femme for her birthday. I happen to live extremely far away, and come from a totally different lifestyle. It’s making it very confusing on what she would like or if she would be like “wtf is this crap?!” I know she wants shoes….but honestly I wouldn’t even know where to began on that since we normally wear boots around here, and i know that wont fly for Miss NYC. I even thought about a couple funky colored horse figurines, but that is just dumb. I would really like to send her something that she doesn’t have around there. Can you give me some tips on what I should get?? Because I’m about to send her some chaps (they have no butt in them which makes this a funny haha type of thing) and some riding boot house shoes and call it good!
 
Thanks,
Stuck in the Mud

On the other hand, sending her something specific to your region sounds like a great idea! I think the funky colored horses sound really cute. Even the most jaded New York City girl wouldn’t think they were dumb if they were sent by someone who wanted to share their culture (ahem and maybe something else?) with her. Maybe there is a specific type of art or craft that is popular where you live that she would appreciate. In Charleston basketweaving and grass woven flowers are created by natives and are sold all over the city, but you can’t get them anywhere else. In Arizona you can get pottery made with horse hair baked in (it looks a lot prettier than it sounds.) Any girl would appreciate such a thoughtful gift.

Good luck impressing your girl, Stuck!

Xoxo
The femme

Have a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

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It’s time to ask the femme and let’s talk about sports, baby! A certain San Francisco native I know is in love with her long-term partner…but her partner’s extreme love is baseball is coming between them! Sports Freak makes her girlfriend watch EVERY game with her, or she won’t hang out with her at all! What should they do? They came to me for help, duh! Watch to find out what I recommend for these lovely ladies:

Have a question for me? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

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Natasia Langfelder

In kind of hot and kind of sad news, Samantha Ronson is officially dating Tiffany Russo, bisexual yoga instructor. I know, hot right?The straight media is freaking out all like “OMG SHE WAS MARRIED TO A MAN! RONSON IS DATING A STRAIGHT WOMAN!” No, no she’s not. Ms. Russo is either bisexual or queer or sexually fluid. It’s ok, lets all calm down. Tiffany is hot and into vadge. I want my beloved SamRo to be happy BUT…

WHAT ABOUT LINDSAY? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHO WILL SHE DATE NOW?! WILL SHE GO BACK TO MEN??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO LINNNNNDDSSAAAYYY. STAY GAAAYYYYYY!

Sigh. I guess all dreams have to die at some point and it seems like Tiffany Russo is probably the nail in the coffin for SamRomeo and Lindsiette. She’s pretty and probably sane. How will SamRo go back to crazy after she has sane? I guess we can all just wait and seeeeeee.  

Lindsay also told RadarOnline that she is friends with Tiffany and has no problem with her and is still friends with SamRo. Probably because Tiffany is 34 and it’s always less painful when your ex goes for someone older, amirite? [Source] 

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Now that I’ve officially committed to being single, something horrible has happened: I’ve realized single people go on dates. Like, first dates.

I was kind of hoping we could jump right into the third? Or just cut straight to the sex, minus the date part? Oh, that’s right, I’m a lesbian, not a gay dude. (Sorry boys, I know I’m stereotyping.) Pretty sure there’s a reason why we don’t have Grindr for women. Most women want to be wined and dined before getting into anything physical. At least if they’re not meeting for the first time in a bar and drunkenly getting it on in the bathroom, that is.

(On a side note, gross! Public restrooms? I’m not by any means pleading innocent to this type of encounter, but I’m hoping to someday grow out of that phase.)

Back to my point. People date for different reasons. For those chicks that want to remain single, first dates determine whether there is enough chemistry to even pursue wild-oat sowing. For those looking for relationships, first dates are a chance to get a glimpse of her personality, get to know her likes and dislikes.

I haven’t figured out exactly why I’m dating yet. Being a serial monogamist and having singledom (singlehood?) forced upon me, I’m dating because, for some mysterious reason, I feel I HAVE to. Am I looking for a relationship? I don’t know. Do I need to know the answer to this before I jump into the dating pool? Are girls expecting me to know? Well, too late, I’ve already had…um…three dates. In seven months. I’m clearly on a roll.

I don’t know; I figure if I’m asked, I’ll just say that I’m not looking for anything serious and let nature take its course. Does it make me a player/slut/whore to want to sleep with someone even if I don’t want a relationship with them? I haven’t figured out how this crap works yet!

Would this mean I don’t have values? I like to think that I do. Sex means something different to everyone, right?

All I know is that since my last relationship ended, my friends have been encouraging me to “play the field.” Even my life coach said I had to “try on more shoes.” Damn. More first dates. I hate ‘em.

Why?

First thing I’ve noticed. The girls all expect me to pick the place. Is this because I look like the guy? I thought we had transcended gender stereotypes/roles. I personally find it sexy if SHE picks the place. Maybe this is because I’m a girl myself. (I know, amazing, isn’t it?) But I like to think it’s because I like a girl who knows what she wants and is confident enough to make decisions. Besides, I’d rather be the boss in other areas of.. ahem. Anyway.

Also, I know the rule is supposed to be ‘whoever asks, pays’. I like this rule. I usually ask. And sometimes even when I’m asked, I offer to pay. (If the date is good. If it isn’t…sorry, lady, I’m excusing myself when the bill comes. Kidding! Maybe.) What about those cases when it isn’t clear cut who was the asker/askee? Everyone I’ve brought this up to has said “Split it,” but… now I’m putting myself into that gender stereotype… Isn’t that… awkward? Let me answer that. Yes. And since that lovely experience, I’ve paid. But, how to get around this in the future?

Finally, how do you decide when the date is over? One of my dates was for a football game. Excellent! Game over! Go home! And wasn’t that the LONGEST second half I’ve ever had to sit through? And I even LIKE football! Lunch dates are fine. Especially during the work week. Hour’s up, and done! But what about dinner dates? Ok, we’re done eating. Guess we’ll sit and talk for…awhile. Heh. That was actually a good date. Soooo… do I invite her home? I chickened out.

As with any activity, practice makes perfect, and I’ve not had much practice. Obviously, the more shoes I try on, the better they’ll start fitting, right? At least I should start to get a feel for what kind of shoe I like? Sometimes the ones that look the best in the store hurt like hell when you get them on.. Oooh, I could go on all day with this analogy! I’m cutting myself off… and headed back to Foot Locker. Ha!

What are your first date tips? Warnings? Horror/success stories? Share below. Contact Riley Dylan at RDylan1980@gmail.com

Image via Wikipedia

03/17/2011- by Natasia Langfelder

MediaTakeOut.com is reporting that a reliable inside source confirmed to them that rapper Missy Elliot briefly dated singer/songwriter Keri Hilson, before Hilson got famous and presumably before Elliot got married. The ’insider’ describes the affair to MTO, saying:

“Missy is a larger than life personality. She’s like a dude. I’ve seen her turn out straight girls…Missy [and Keri] started off as friends, but Missy was really seducing her. Keri ended up [infatuated] with Missy, she may have even been in love.”

But Missy, like most rappers, is a hit-it-and-quit-it kinda gal. So after the two’s WHIRLWIND ROMANCE, Missy dumped Keri. The insider added, “Keri was broken up [about the breakup." [sic] [Source]

Like a dude? Yeah, just vaguely offensive. Am I 100% sure this story is true? No. Am I reporting it anyway? Yes, because a suspected lesbian affair is not an insult to Keri Hilson and to be honest…I kind of got the lady lovin’ vibe from her ever since she hit the scene and my gaydar is pretty spot on. “Pretty Girl Rock” however, extremely offensive to my ears. That song is so stupid.  

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Hey ladieeees! Welcome to the first Vlog of LGR’s popular advice column. Watch it below, if for no other reason than you get a quick glimpse of my bra strap. As always email your love quandries to me at askafemme@yahoo.com

Creepers. Dictionary defined as “one who creeps.”

You know who they are. They’re part of your social circle and they’ve never really had a serious girlfriend. The girls waiting for you in the dark corners of the bar, ready to take advantage of the opportunity when you’ve had one too many beers to try out their lame pick-ups lines. The girls you really wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole, but you feel obligated to speak to, because you feel a little sorry for them, and you’re really a nice person. They might even be good friendship material except for the fact that they never realize you don’t like them “that way.” I’ve quickly learned that one of the downfalls of not having a girlfriend is being without someone to blame things on or use as an excuse.

It’s important to recognize the warning signs of a creeper early on. I made the mistake of inviting an un-confirmed creeper over for a movie one night. I was pretty confident I’d made it clear that we were just friends, so was stupidly surprised when she showed up with two bottles of wine. Was even more surprised when she drunkenly tried to sit in my lap halfway through the movie and relieved when she eventually passed out on the couch. If I had paid attention to red flags earlier on, I might not have been shocked to be awakened in the middle of the night with her kneeling next to my bed and stroking my hair. True story.

If you’re single, you might have a couple creepers. Not sure? Here’s how to find out.

Creeper Test 1: Text to/from ratio
If she is texting you 5 times to your one, someone is creeping you. Yes, creeping is a verb.

Creeper Test 2: Are they sending you unprompted suggestive texts that you continually ignore?
“I have class on Saturday until 4. Nothing that night.” “I’m off at 11.” “When are we hanging out?” “My roommate is out for the night. I’m all alone. ”

I wait several hours before responding to creeper texts. This is standard. I’ve even waited days. Unfortunately, the lesbian community is small, and you might come across as an asshole if you completely ignore them.

Hint to creepers reading this: If I’m waiting more than 24 hours to text you back, it ain’t happenin’.

Creeper Test 3: Do you have a Facebook/Twitter page stalker?
Creepers will pop up on your Facebook chat while you are browsing your news feed, unaware of being signed in. They usually don’t even know how to start a conversation.

Creeper chat: “Hey.”

Shit. Damn Facebook. I thought I was offline.

They comment on most of your statuses, usually completely unrelated to whatever you’ve just posted.

Me: “I just ate pancakes and boy were they delicious!”
Creeper comment: “I am wondering if you are online and no one can see you… are in stealth mode…? Lol.”

Yes, I’m in stealth mode. I go through life in stealth mode, thanks to creepers.

Creeper Test 4: Can they take a hint?
Creepers can’t pick up on your subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle clues. You can give reason after reason to avoid them. They’ll wait you out.

Creeper: “What are you doing Friday night?”
Me: “Um, my dog ate my homework…” Dammit, wrong excuse.

My excuse of the week: “No, I can’t go out for a drink… I’m on a cleanse.” Of course, I then made the mistake of tweeting something about happy hour with the girls from work.

Immediate creeper text: “I thought you were on a cleanse?” (See Test #3)

I’ve tried a variety of excuses. “I’m not looking for anything serious.” “I’m a mess.” “I just want some time to myself.”

Creepers still don’t get it. “Oh, I don’t want anything serious either. We can just be friends who fuck sometimes.”

Best to have an answer ready for that one. I prefer “I’ve gotten really religious lately. I’m thinking about becoming a nun.”

Creeper Test 5: Are they socially awkward?
Do they laugh at everything you say? Even when you aren’t trying to be funny?

Me: I’m so tired this morning. Need coffee.
Creeper: LOL! OMG you crack me up! LMAO!

Umm…

How to Avoid Creeping:
First of all, don’t fail tests 1 through 5. Relax, if the girl you like is into you, she’s going to find a way to let you know. Let her come to you.

Desperation is not attractive. Even though I’m single, I try not to appear desperate. For example, if I receive a text from the girl I’m crushing on I’ll wait at least 5 minutes before responding. Of course, if I notice that it’s taken her 8 minutes to reply, I’ll wait at least 9 before getting back to her. It’s all a part of knowing how to play the game. Less is more.

Most importantly, though, let me remind you: Pay attention to tell-tale creeper signs. Your restful night’s sleep depends on it.

What are your creeper horror stories? Standard excuses? Share your comments below.

Riley Dylan can be reached at RDylan1980@gmail.com.

In this very special installment of Lez Ask the Boi and the Femme, Riley and Natasia tackle the sensitive and ouchy subject of waxing. Some of us do it, most of us need it so read our tips to stay on top of your sexy.

Dear Riley & Natasia, I couldn’t decide whether to ask the Boi or the Femme so I decided to ask you both. I really like this girl I work with and she agreed to go on a date with me! This is my first date with another girl and I want to look ultra good and sexy for this date. I’m thinking about doing something I’ve never done before…WAXING. I’m scared it will hurt. I’m thinking like what if I kiss her and we get all up close and she can see every hair on my face? I’m trying not to get too far ahead of myself but should I also be prepared in case we go all the way? Everyone says it hurts a lot and I’m scared I will be all red and sore after. Where should I go and what should I get done?

Harry

Hi Harry, Thanks for writing in! You are helping to shed light on an aspect of being a woman that we don’t like to talk about, unwanted hair removal! First of all know you are not alone, there is a waxing salon on every other block in Manhattan and they all do good business.

Waxing Your Lady Bits

I’m going to tackle the lady bits waxing issue with you. Make an appointment a few days before your date to get waxed; this will help just in case there is some redness after the wax.  You will have a few days for it to go away and you can always help it along with a hypoallergenic lotion. Make an appointment with a salon in your neighborhood that you have walked by before and that looks clean and sanitary. If you book an appointment with a place and go in and don’t feel like it’s clean enough, say “no thanks” and walk out. Don’t be embarrassed; your vadge is tooooo important.

Pain Prevention

Right before you leave the house to get to your appointment, take some rapid release painkillers such as Tylenol to help take some of the sting out of the waxing. I can’t lie, it’s gonna hurt. No matter what you do, it’s gonna hurt. It’s a fact of life.

Types of Wax

There are two types of waxing methods: hard wax and strips. Strip waxing is when hot wax is applied and then a strip of paper is stuck on and that rips off the hair. Hard wax is when hot wax is applied and it hardens and gets pulled off. Basically the results differ for different people. Personally, I know a lot of women that think hard wax hurts less, so that’s a good tip for a first timer.

Styling

Let’s talk about the um…hairstyle you want. Brazilians are still popular, that’s when the whole enchilada comes off, including the backside. Some women adore it and some feel too naked. Also popular is a landing strip, when only a small strip of hair is left in the middle on the top. It’s kind of a more “adult” look. There is also a plain old bikini wax, where the waxer will only remove the hair that would show if you were hitting a beach in your bikini. Bikini waxing is by far the least ouchy and is also a good place to start for a first timer. Also Harry, you might want to ask your waxer for a “stomach strip” during your wax if you have a treasure trail. It’s cheap and really helps complete the sexy look of your wax. The upside of waxing these sensitive areas as opposed to shaving is that the more you wax, the finer and thinner the hair grows back and most women are generally less prone to ingrown hair.

So go for it, baby dyke! Let me know if your girl gets that far! Now Riley is going to fill us in on the deets of facial waxing.  

Um, Waxing Your Other Bits?

 
I’m going to pretend there isn’t a reason I’m getting handed the section on facial waxing.  Eh, to hell with the pretending, sometimes those of us with a lil’ more testosterone are predisposed to looking a little more “boy” than “boi” when it comes to our faces.  I’ll start by saying that there are some chicks who dig a girl with a ‘stache, so if you are going for the JD Samson look, or maybe are even in the process of transitioning, by all means, skip over this paragraph.  And Frida Kahlo never had any trouble with men OR women.  If you wanna wear it, wear it proud!

But for those of you that could do without the unwanted hair that may rest above your lip or below your chin, Natasia has already laid out some good advice.  Book a day or two in advance of any potential dates and let the waxer work her magic.  I recommend allowing a professional to do the honors, rather than attempting it at home with any of the over-the-counter products.  It isn’t much more expensive and there is no mess to clean.

And let’s not forget eyebrows.  If they have a tendency to wander down your face, ask your waxer for a natural shape and you should be able to keep up the maintenance on your own at home.

Good luck!  I hope we’ve helped you out of a ‘hairy’ situation!

Have a question for the Boi or the Femme? Email askafemme@yahoo.com or rdylan1980@gmail.com or become our Facebook friends! www.facebook.com/natasiarose www.facebook.com/rdylan1

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Image by jimmy.walker via Flickr

2/2/2011- by Natasia Langfelder

Ladies, have you been jealous because gay men can find casual sex on their iphones with Grindr? Well now there is an app for you to find casual sex with strangers too! There is a new app in town developed for the sole purpose of finding you new beaver called “Wheretheladies.At”

Oh, Queerty actually informed me that the app was designed for straight guys. BUT if we all get on it and use it, then we can take it back right? Just like how we all got together and collectively took back the word “queer.” The app works by checking foursquare to see where women have checked in. So lesbians, check in often and we will all be on the road to finding each other. of course, there are only like three or four places we are going to check in anyway. Umm, let me guess, there are ladies at Cubbyhole, Henriettas, RF Lounge and Home Depo?

Happy vadge hunting ladies! Also, I know a few gay couples that have met on Grindr so feel free to use the app to find someone to U-haul with, not just sex-up.  

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Hey Riley,

I’ve been flirting back and forth with a girl from my basketball team. Its in really early stages right now, but I can tell she’s into me and she’s hot and we get along great. Problem is she lives with her girlfriend. I’m single. I really like her though! Is this something that I should just leave alone? I’m not sure what her intentions are with flirting with me like if she wants to leave her girlfriend or just play around. What should I do?? I don’t want to be a homewrecker but she started the flirting! Should I even care? Is it my problem or is it ok to go for it?

Full Court Press in Dayton, OH

Listen up, Dayton.

Slooooooow dowwwnnn, tiger. Let me start with your last question. Is this your problem? Short answer: Yes, it is. Why? Because you have to make some decisions. To continue flirting or to stop. If you’re asking me permission to go for it, then I’m thinking you aren’t wanting to stop. I completely understand, to be honest. Everyone wants what they can’t have. You do: she’s in a relationship and is supposed to be off-limits. She does: she’s in a relationship and is supposed to HAVE limits. I also think its true that it’s impossible to steal someone out of a relationship that isn’t already broken, so the label “home-wrecker” might not apply. That doesn’t mean that it is your job to help break it the rest of the way.

Facts first. She’s in a serious relationship with someone else. They live together. She is sending signals that things aren’t right at home and is testing the waters by flirting with you. There is obvious mutual chemistry between the two of you.

Points to consider: Do you want to date this girl, as in long-term? Or do you just want to sleep with her? Is it worth the drama in either case?

What would happen if you quit flirting? I think if you tried this, you might see how seriously she was pursuing you. She could begin flirting with someone else, work on her relationship with her girlfriend, or maybe pursue you even more. If she were to continue to chase you, this would give you a reason to have a convo with her and bring everything out in to the open. If she is really interested, why not a clean break from her girlfriend? If she stops pursuing you, then it was totally not worth it.

Lately I’ve been finding that in the lesbian scene there seems to be a general lack of respect for one another’s relationships. Everyone flirts with each other; everyone has slept with each other. There are few boundaries. It can be fun; it can be exciting. It’s naughty. But it gets old. And it gets stressful. You have to decide what kind of life you want for yourself, Dayton, OH. I’m one of the least judgmental people you could meet, but will tell you that instant gratification will often lead to a whole lot of unnecessary drama. Put the brakes on and the ball back in her court.

Let me know how it turns out!

- Riley

Have a question for Riley? Email rdylan1980@gmail.com

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Dear Riley,

I don’t know if you have ever had this problem but I’m dating a girlie girl and to be honest, I think sometimes she’s a little embarrassed by me in public. I mean I definitely look like a lesbian and she really doesn’t. Well I guess I pretty much look like a boy. I wear guys clothes and my hair is short and I work out a lot so my body is pretty muscular. I even get called “sir” sometimes. When this happens my gf seems to get upset and doesn’t know how to handle it. In private she always talks about how much she is attracted to me and I believe her, but when we’re out and about she’s hesitant to show any affection. I don’t know what to say to her because I don’t want her to feel bad but I look the way I look you know? Sometimes I’m even embarrassed when I’m called “sir”. At the same time I want her to be comfortable being with me wherever we are because I’m not going to change my look. What would you do?

Looks Like a Boy

Great to hear from another boi!

All right, sounds like we’ve got a few things going on here. I’m right there with you on being mistaken for a boy. Yes, it can be embarrassing. And to some extent, I guess we should expect it if we shop in the men’s department and rock the fauxhawks. That doesn’t change the fact that there are still ignorant people that haven’t ever tried to peer outside the bubble that they live in and realize that not everyone looks like they do. Yes, I’ve gotten many a strange stare in the public restroom. Once, a little old lady saw me coming out of the ladies room, and promptly turned around and walked into the men’s! I’m thinking she learned her lesson.

Your girlfriend, on the other hand, is not an ignorant bubble person. She’s decided to date you, and she knows what you look like and who you are. It isn’t acceptable for her to act one way in private and another in public.

Are you sure PDA in general isn’t the issue? Personally, I’m not fond of PDA in public from anyone – gay, straight, young, old, or that pervy German Shepherd in the dog park that always tries to hump my beagle. Its one thing to hold someone’s hand, but some things are better left in the bedroom.

Yes, say something to her. Be specific about the behavior you’ve noticed from her and let her know that your feelings are hurt. Her actions say more about her than they do about you. Be honest with her and talk it through. If she admits she’s ashamed or embarrassed, and won’t take steps to get past it, it might be time to move on to someone who is proud to be with you.

I’m not understanding about the lack of self-confidence I see in some women. I’m aware of societal pressures, but whom do we need acceptance from? I promise you, we need to be comfortable with ourselves before we can expect anyone else to be comfortable with us. Hold your head high, and be who you are!

-Riley

If you want Riley to answer one of YOUR questions, email RDylan1980@gmail.com.

LGR’s boi blogger, Riley Dylan, takes your relationship questions.  This week Riley tackles a dilemma we have all faced, “To date a bisexual, or not to date a bisexual? That is the question.” That’s Shakespeare, ladies, just FYI. If you are tired of hearing the standard “Don’t hate bisexuals but don’t date bisexuals” advice, this is the column for you.

Dear Riley,

I’ve completely fallen for a girl. We’ve been seeing each other for 3 weeks and everything is going great…except my friends don’t like her. The thing is, she’s bisexual and I’m the first girl she’s been with. My friends say to stop this relationship before it starts, because she’ll just eventually leave me for a guy. Am I being stupid in thinking that this could work??

Head Over Heels

Dear Head Over Heels,

Yea, yea, watch out for those bisexuals!  They’ll always leave you for a man!  And while you’re at it, watch out for the lesbians, too… they’re going to leave you for a woman!  You picked the right boi to

ask your question, HOH.  Out of my four long-term relationships, three of my ex’s were bi, and not one left me for a dude.  If someone is going to leave you, it will most likely be because of the state of your relationship rather than the sexual orientation of either of the people in it.
I’ve heard all sorts of things about bi girls and bi-curious girls.  That they only want to play with you and break your heart.  That they’re actually lesbian and

Leisha Hailey

just can’t deal with it.  Or the more ridiculous argument – that they are straight.  Lesbians really give these ladies a bad rap.  Do we want people telling us that we’re straight? I didn’t think so.  So who are we to judge how another girl feels?  We’re not in their h

earts and we’re not in their heads.  If she is attracted to you, and she’s sleeping with you, she is NOT straight.  She may not be as far over on the Kinsey scale as the rest of us, but this shiz ain’t black and white, and we all know it.  So go for it, Head Over Heels!

If you’re not pursuing something you want — whether it be a relationship, a dream, or your passion — because you’re afraid or worried about the outcome, you aren’t living.  It’s cliché, but life is just too damn short.
Best of luck!
-Riley

If you want Riley to answer one of YOUR questions, email RDylan1980@gmail.com.

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Apparently I have a lot to learn about how to function as a single lesbian. Or just a single person in general, I guess, since my heterosexual brother informed me that the same rules apply across the board.

Rules? I was completely oblivious that there were any, and got a bit of an awakening during Halloween weekend.

It was ladies night downtown on Friday night. I really wasn’t feeling dressing up this year since #1: no money; #2: no time; #3: no ideas. So I went out as myself. As hot as I could make myself, that is. I figure it’s about time I attempted to find out what kind of “game” I have, since I haven’t been single since being out.

Should be easy, right? Yeah, not so much.

I think I need to be a bit careful with how I make eye contact. I’m starting to realize that: Rule # 1: Extended eye contact (more than 2 seconds) means “Come over and talk to me.”

I’d been playing the “You didn’t catch me looking at you” game with some girl dressed as a ladybug for twenty minutes when she finally approached. My friends saw her head in my direction and began punching me in the arm in a “Here she comes!” sort of way, until she gazed deeply into my eyes and said…. “My friend wants to dance with you…”

Damn.

Really?? Ok, is this another one of the rules? If I’m interested in someone, am I supposed to send someone else to relay that message for me?

I looked over to where she was pointing and the “friend” was avoiding all eye contact with me whatsoever. Ok. Friend was pretty cute, but ladybug was cuter.

Seriously though, in my book, if you want to dance with me, come ask me yourself. I decided to avoid the situation for the time being.

About a half hour later I was in desperate need of a beer refill, and as I was walking back from the bar, fresh beer in hand, I see ladybug, her friend and another chick all staring at me. Not wanting to seem like an asshole, knowing the friend was interested, I smiled and winked at their table.

Baaaaad idea.

New Rule: Don’t wink. Unless you’re realllly interested. Got it.

As I turned to head back to the dance floor, my arm was grabbed from behind. Ladybug. The 3rd friend is grabbing the one that’s interested and suddenly we’re being stood in front of each other like we’re two kids being told to make up, and ladybug says “Ok, you guys talk. Bye!” And the other two vanish. WTF?!

The chick I’m facing has a huge smile on her face, so I manage to get a smile on mine (beer helps, and she WAS cute). She drags me to the front of the bar where its quieter and we start to have convo. Convo goes well and she’s fun, but I’m really not that into her.

However, this chick (Ashley?) is into ME and keeps pulling me around the waist into her as we’re talking. I keep finding ways to wiggle out. Then she asks me to dance. I don’t really dance, I just kinda hang out on the dance floor, but ok. SHE dances. Obviously. As she’s dancing on ME, she tells me she wants to kiss me.

How does one get out of this situation? Where are my wingmen??

I’m too nice (ie. drunk) to say no, so what the hell…

This is where I find out Rule #.. what rule am I on? I need to write these down. ..Oh wait, I am.

Rule: If you make out with someone, they will be glued to you for the rest of the night.
Rule: You can’t make out with more than one woman in the same bar; this makes you a slut/player/a$$hole.
Rule: If you want to make out with someone else, change venues.

Ok, Ok, I’m learning.

My hairdresser (totally hot lesbian) tells me that when she’s single she’ll try to make out with someone minutes before heading to the next bar. Hmmm. How does one do THAT? “Hey, can we make out for a few minutes? I gotta go.”

Lucky for me, my wingmen eventually came through. We had a serious discussion about wingmen duties after that.

From now on, I’m carrying my notepad with me when I go out. Too many rules to remember and I just hope I don’t forget the ones I’ve learned for next weekend!

11/08/2010- by Natasia Langfelder

Want to know what child star Raven Symone looks like naked? Well now you can! Don’t get too excited, you the important parts are all covered up. Mediatakeout.com is reporting that Symone was sending the pictures to one of her girlfriends (as in a girl you sleep with and go shopping with, not a girl you are friends with and go shopping with) and the girl decided to forward the pics to a major gossip website! Ahem, allegedly, of course. No one wants to get sued.

Rumors about Symone’s sexuality have been flying around the internet for years. I have no idea why. Who even cares? The Cosby Show was a million years ago and “That’s so Raven” so sucked. Anywho, if a girl really did blow up Ms. Symone’s spot, Mediatakeout should post her information too. Just so that the rest of us know to stay far, far away from that piece! Ladies, if you like a girl, don’t send her nude pictures. Okay? Not unless you want to see yourself on the internet…because that would be SOOOOo Raven!

And no, I’m not going to post the pictures. But, yes, I will tell you where to find them, HERE. Enjoy, but don’t get too excited, they’re as tasteful as naked phone pics get.

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Dear Riley,

I’m just getting back into the dating scene after being in a long relationship.  I’ve been going out by myself, since I lost a lot of my friends in the break-up.  It is exciting to be single, but nerve wracking at the same time!  I’m ok with approaching people, but sometimes when girls come up to me, if I’m not interested, I can’t seem to figure out how to get out of the situation!  I want to play the field and don’t want to get stuck talking to one girl all night.  I can’t come up with any good exit strategies!  Do you have any?

Flying Solo

Dear Flying Solo,

What you need is a good wingman!  They are perfect for getting you out of tight situations, or they should be.  You just need to find the right one, and this is important.  See last week’s column for the dangers of choosing the wrong wingman.  In fact, let me provide you with the handy questionnaire I give to all my potential wingmen.

Wingman Application:

1. Do you secretly want to be with me?

2. Are you lying so that when we’re drunk later you’ll see if I’ll make out with you?

3. Are you funny?  Tell me a joke.

4. Read the following situations and provide the appropriate response.

Situation 1: We’ve been at the bar for an hour and I’ve been chatting up the same girl for 20 minutes.  I clearly have my beer goggles on and can do better.  What do you do?

A. Let me continue the conversation.

B. Tell me it’s time to go get drinks.

C. When I tell you I don’t need another drink right now, grab my arm and BRING me to go get drinks.

Situation 2: I’ve been cornered by the girl we’ve been politely trying to avoid all night.  Because I’m a nice person, I’m having a conversation with her, but am clearly wanting out.  What do you do? (more than one answer could apply)

A. Let me continue the conversation. (Hint. No.)

B. Walk up to us and tell me that everyone’s ready to head to the next bar now (even if we’re the only two out).

C. Tell me you need an escort to the bathroom because your ex’s new girlfriend is stalking you.

Escalated situation: The girl I’m talking to is now glaring daggers at you and trying to body block you from my view.  What is your back-up plan?

5. Which of the following signs means I need you NOW?

A. Mouthing the world “Help!”

B. Smiling in your direction, but you see the panic behind my eyes.

C. Saying any of the other various code words we’ve come up with before heading out for the night.

6. How much experience do you have flagging down cabs?

Hope this helps.  Good luck with your wingman search!

-Riley

10/26/2010- by Riley Dylan

FROM: boobs21 – i pop her cherry then i pop my collor

SUBJECT: hi sexy

i love your eyes im [name] im 21 and looking for a gf u seem cool so hit me up i live in monticello mn so hit me up 612 555 5555 thats my cell

Ah, the joys of online dating…  Yes, this was an actual message in my inbox today.  I’m about to remove myself from many of these dating sites.  Match.com.  PlentyofFish.com.  HidingInMyHouse.com.  What-have-you.

How many things are wrong with the above message?  It’s like a game of “I Spy.”

Well, let’s see.  How about taking the time to use punctuation and run the spell check?

“Hit me up”?!  Er, I’m 30.  I think I must have been asleep through whatever point in my life I was supposed to say that.  Or are people still saying that?  Maybe I’m just not cool.

And this chick’s tagline?  “I pop her…”  Ohhhhhh noooo.  Honey, I know you’re only 21, but popped collars?  Let’s have a talk, shall we?

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with online dating.  I met one of my ex-girlfriends online and we stayed together for three and half years.  But I have to admit, over the past couple months, my experiences on these sites have left much to be desired.  There isn’t a single girl yet I feel tempted to actually meet in “real” life.

I think a “Do’s and Don’ts” list may be appropriate to help explain why.

Do: Be honest.

You like classical music?  Then why is your iPod full of Katy Perry and Lady Gaga?  You like documentaries and the Discovery Channel?  Um, why are we watching re-runs of Jersey Shore?  You’re “athletic and toned”?  Wow, me too!  I’m just gonna, er.. wear all black for our first date… it’s slimming, right?  You like coffee shops and long walks in the park?  Cool!  You and 832,392 other people in this town!

Do: Include a recent picture of yourself.

And by recent, I mean within the last year.  A close-up.  NOT your high school graduation picture.  Especially if you’re 35 now.  No picture?  Um.. you’re probably a dude, posing as a girl.  (Yep, I was duped once.  Damn.)

Do: Explain why you are interested in your initial email.

Oh, I should date you because you love my eyes?  Yeah, I worked really hard to make them so.. hazel.  How about things you think we might have in common?

Don’t: Write a 12-page profile.  Or introductory email.

I stop reading after the first few sentences.  Which is why I only write a few sentences.  I’m really not narcissistic enough to believe that most people want to read my life story without ever having met me.  Leave something for the first date.

Don’t: Give out your phone number in your introductory email.

Is it possible to seem “easy” in more ways than just putting out on the first date?  Yes, give me your phone number before I’ve even decided whether or not I want to respond.

Don’t:  Flake out once we’ve exchanged phone numbers.

One of my latest text exchanges went something like this.

Me: Hey, this is Riley from HidingInMyHouse.com.  Thanks for sending me your phone number.  Hope ur having a good night.

Her: Hiiiiii

Me: So tell me a little bit more about yourself.  What kind of work do you do?

Her: Jusssst work.  You know..

Me: Um, so tell me a little bit more about you.  What kind of things do you like to do when ur not working?

Her: Eh, I’m not too interesting.

Me: Lol!  Aw, I’m sure you are.

[A few hours pass]

Her: Hiiiii

Me: [Deletes number]

Yeah.  Think I’m exaggerating?  Think again.

Sigh..

Thankfully, there are more women available in the world than what I’ve been finding at my fingertips.  Is it horrible that I don’t respond to the majority of “winks” and messages I’ve been getting?

Maybe I’m setting my standards too high.  Maybe I’m not being polite enough, and should at least say “Thanks, but no thanks.”  (Actually an option; if someone said that to ME, I’d be mortified!)  Maybe the “one” has emailed me already and I didn’t even give them a chance!!!

Riiiiiight.

Thing is, it’s all about chemistry anyway.  We could have the exact same profile, and look beautiful in our profile pictures, and meet each other and find that there is no spark.

Am I jaded?  Yes.  Which is a sign that it’s time to get away from my computer and into the real world.

That begins now.

For more of Riley Dylan’s insights, visit her blog at newleaflesbian.blogspot.com

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Dear Riley,

A girl I’ve been hanging around with recently has told me many times that she has feelings for me. I think she’s fun, in a wingman sort of way, but I’m definitely not into her like that and have told her so. The other night we were out and both drunk and she asked if she could kiss me. I said yes and we made out. I dropped her off at her house later and for the rest of the night she was blowing up my phone asking to come spend the night. How do I show her I’m not interested without hurting her feelings even though I’ve made out with her?

Heartbreaker

Dear Heartbreaker,

If her feelings are hurt, I’m thinkin’ that’s on her. If you were up front with her from the get-go about not being interested in her, and she still asked to kiss you, then she only has herself to blame. As far as I can remember, I’ve never signed any relationship contracts while having drunk make-out sessions in a bar. Did she show you any papers? Was there a notary present? However, no one likes lez drama, so I recommend bringing a friend along the next time you go out with this chick. She likes you; she’s not wingman material.

Let us know how it goes!

Riley

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Hey Lezzies, Welcome back to “Ask A Femme.” I’m Natasia and I dish out advice on love, dating, relationships, friendship, career and family. This week, one of our advice seekers is back with an update on her, her girl and needs advice on how to take the relationship to the next level.

Dear Femme,

My name is Sophie, I broke up with my ex a year ago and I think I’m finally ready to try to go out and date, the thing is that I’m super feminine, I wear high heels all the time, get my hair done, wear dresses…etc. if you get to know me a little bit you’ll find out that the way I dress does not reflect at all the way I behave, cause I am very butch in my behavior, but it’s my style and I like it… So my question is this, how does a femme looking girl flirt with another femme?

ps. sorry if my spelling sucks I live in South America and my English is far from perfect.

Thanks for taking the time to answer all the questions, you are awesome!

Hello Sophie,

Thanks! I think you are awesome too! I’m glad you are over your breakup and ready to get back on the dating scene. There is a term for the kind of femme you are, macho-femme. So don’t be too worried, if there are enough of you out there to warrant your own term, you aren’t alone.

To answer your question, make eye contact with the girl you want. That is the first and most important step, the second step is to smile. There, now you are 2/3rds of the way there. Really, the hard part is over. Then you should walk over to her and introduce yourself. No gimmicks, no games. “Hi, I’m Sophie.”

The part that comes next depends on where you are. If you are in a lez bar and know she’s gay, get right to the “get to know you” conversation. The more questions you ask a girl, the more she will think you are interested in her and the more she will like you back.

If you are in the supermarket and you have no idea if she is gay or not, just put it out there and tell her you think she’s beautiful and you would like to get to know her better. If she is straight, she will be flattered as long as you say “beautiful” and not “hot.” “Hot” can be degrading, “sexy” is even worse but “beautiful” is always tasteful.

In a nutshell, flirting with a girl, femme or not, is as simple as “look, smile, hi.”

Hope this helps, Sophie and stay in touch!

Have a question? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

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Hey Lezzies, Welcome back to “Ask A Femme.” I’m Natasia and I dish out advice on love, dating, relationships, friendship, career and family. This week, one of our advice seekers is back with an update on her, her girl and needs advice on how to take the relationship to the next level.

Hellllooooo Nurseee! Hello there again, I’m not sure if you remember but I wrote in earlier in the year about a lovely lady that I met at work that I was trying to win over. [If you don’t remember O.U.’s questions, check out the Lez Ask the Femme archives!] I took your advice and started subtly with a casual lunch date after work. It’s been about a 2 1/2 months since her and I have been dating quite casually, seeing each other about twice a week. She’s openly bi-sexual and from what she tells me, I have enough information to believe that she likes me but I’m not necessarily sure how serious she’s taking me. She picks and chooses what she wishes to share with me and she tries her hardest to not share intimate information with me that pertains to us (i.e. She will not tell directly tell me how she feels about me and the possibility of there actually being an “us”). But when its personal information that pertains to her personal life and feelings, she cannot wait for me to pick her brain. She doesn’t ask me questions about myself but she says it’s because she prefers to figure it out on her own. I’m assuming this is because she is recently coming out of a one year relationship with a man and that she’s possibly still a little sore over what happened between them. I like her even more than I did before, I’d even like to love her someday. I know so many things about her and her person that I respect so deeply. I find her opinion’s to be honest and without influence from others. She carries herself like a Lady, she’s aware of how sexy she is without actually flaunting herself towards others and I like that. I have not the slightest idea of how to proceed into taking this situation deeper or if I should at all. I just want to be hers, please help me.

Thank you,

 O.U.

 Hello O.U,

 Thanks for updating us on your situation! I’m glad that you were able to take the first steps to get the girl, now you need to decide if you want to reel her in. She loves when you ask her questions about herself? As long as you like hearing about her innermost feelings, keep doing it. The fact that she does not ask you questions is a red flag, it may stem from her not being ready for a relationship, like you suggest or it may indicate that she isn’t really interested in your life as much as she is interested in your adoration. You deserve better than that. But I’m not going to tell you to give up on her! You’ve made a serious time and emotional investment in this girl and you need to follow through. I would suggest being straight forward and ditching the games. Ask her out to a nice local restaurant for dinner, which is a “serious potential relationship” date. After the entrees and before dessert, tell her that you think she’s amazing and want to take the relationship to the next level. Let her know that the “next level” isn’t marriage, but “girlfriend” status would be nice. You’ve waited patiently for almost 3 months, which is a good speed and places you solidly out of “U-haul” territory. I think she will go for it, but if she doesn’t, you don’t need to cut her off or take that as the final word on the subject. Keep dating her casually but go out with other women at the same time and let her know that you are exploring your options. This might light a fire under her butt to make sure she reels YOU in. Ahem, but like I said, take the straight forward, no games route before you try the second. Go get your girl! Good luck and let me know how it goes.

Have a question? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

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Billed as part sport, part sight-seeing and part socializing, hiking is fast on its way to “Staple” status in any GLBT, “Things to Do This Weekend” guide.  On top of that, more and more,  I see “hiking” as a first date suggestion for the single and looking lesbian. 

I’ve had some reservations about that hiking first date thing, I confess.  Even the least accident prone people increase their face-plant-potential exponentially when hiking.  We don’t typically see rocks and tree roots jutting out of the  ground at a movie theater or coffee house, right?  Even if all goes well, and no feet trip over themselves and all body parts remain unstrained, hiking could ruin a first kiss. The moment seems right as faces move closer together in anticipaption…and…ugh, “what’s that lovely scent you’re wearing?”  Just some bug spray and SPF-30. Mmm, enchanting.

However numbers don’t lie, and after seeing the same suggestion time and time again, I reluctantly planned a hike-date. Aforementioned bug-spray and sun-block? Check. Appropriate footwear? Check. Quick scan of a poison ivy handbook, “Leaves of 3, Let it Be!” Check. Enthusiasm? Ch-ehhhhh, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad.

I needed that little something-something to make a hike-date more appealing. That something? G.O.R.P.!  Not only is Good Old Raisins and Peanuts a nutritious and energizing snack, it’s also a great pre-date barometer.  My advice?  Offer to make and bring some G.O.R.P. mix to the hike-date.  G.O.R.P. preferences may provide great insight to your date’s personality. What does your intended want in the G.O.R.P.? Will she compromise with almonds if one of you prefers peanuts and the other cashews?  Nuts: to salt or not to salt? Does a little chocolate in the mix get a yay or a nay?

G.O.R.P. can hold answers that may take months to get to otherwise. Most importantly, would-be daters know up front if the potential hiking and life partner has a raging peanut allergy.  Take advantage of that chance to cut things off before falling in love.  Saying, “You seem very nice, but I don’t want to imagine a life without peanut butter…” is perfectly acceptable if uttered before the first date as opposed to after.

So the hiking date may not be so bad after all.  Until next time… good luck, good love and good G.O.R.P.!

For more Ellen Moschetto, check her out @ http://ellenmoschetto.com/ or on Facebook @ facebook.com/ellen.moschetto 

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Hi,

I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years…. attractive, talented, all of that.  She was very sweet and friendly with me… and finally single!  But — she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while.  Not really in the market now.  (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.)  She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe… but she’s who I really want!  Moreover, my mom has a particularly high regard for her as well, so she’s the only person I know of that my family would support initially rather than questioning like, “What is she DOING dating a woman??”.  How do I resolve this?

Thank you,

WS

Hi WS,

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but the girl you want? She’s just not into you. She’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.

 I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.

As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents both as a new partner and as the woman who is “turning their daughter gay.”

Good luck, WS and keep in touch!

Dear Femme, 

My girlfriend of a little over a year recently broke up with me. She says that she needs time for herself but she does not want to rule out us dating again but right now is not the time for her. Before the breakup we were very happy and had a very healthy relationship. The cause of the break-up is a little complicated. I graduated in May and have been trying to find a job and it was beginning to really take a toll on me, therefore hurting the relationship. Since then, I have found a job and I feel much more confident in myself and generally just a much happier person. All my friends tell me to forget about her, move on but I can’t help feeling as though we had something so special and that I can’t help but want to work on it rather than just giving up on her all together. I haven’t tried to contact her since the break-up but she still does text me once and awhile. What do I do? Just forget about her and move on or try to win her back? 

Confused 

Hi Confused,

I’m sorry to hear about your break-up. I have to agree with your friends, you should probably move on. BUT I believe in communication and I think you should let your ex know how you feel. Write her an email, saying exactly what you told me above about your job situation and how you are happier now and miss the special connection you had.

Don’t call her instead of sending an email. Email is better than phone for this, because you can express your feelings in an organized way, without interruption.

If she responds again saying she’s not ready for a relationship, cut all communication with her until you are completely over her. Get out there, start dating again, meet girls your friends introduce you too who ARE ready for a relationship, because it sounds like you want a relationship. You’re happy, spread your positive energy! Other women will pick up on your positivity and be drawn to it.  

Good luck Confused, and let me know how it goes!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

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• Lez Ask the Femme: Go For It (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask The Femme: Time to Break-Up (lezgetreal.com)

Hey Lezzies, Welcome back to “Ask A Femme.” I’m Natasia and I dish out advice on love, dating, relationships, friendship, career, family and fashion issues. This week, one of our readers is having trouble deciding whether or not to let her girlfriend date a man at the same time.  

Dear Femme,

I am dating a woman but she wants children too. She wants to start a relationship with a man and I was upset about that. If she starts this relationship, I’m afraid she would leave me for him. But I noticed she really enjoys the things I do for her in and outside the bedroom. I’m not sure what I should do. Do I tell her no or go along with it?   

-Lilah-

Thanks for writing in, Lilah. The best thing for you to do in this situation is sit down and have an honest discussion with your girlfriend. I’m sure you both know it is possible to have a child with another woman, all it takes is a sperm bank! So her reasoning for wanting to have a boyfriend and a girlfriend is really just a week excuse. It could be that she wants to have her cake and eat it too and have you and the man she is attracted to dating her at the same time. Or she could be testing you. She might want you to step up and tell her that she is important to you and you want to be monogamous with her.

So talk to her, tell her that she can either be with you or she can have a boyfriend, but she can’t have both because that’s not what YOU want. Stand up for yourself, you need to make sure that you are in a relationship that works for you. Life is too short to spend it with someone who is going to make you unhappy or take advantage of you for what you can do in the bedroom and outside of it. If she refuses to give up her dream of have a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time, dump her and find someone who only wants you. Good luck Lilah and let us know how it goes.

P.s. Lila is also the name of the main character in my novel, Chasing Tail! You can read it in GAY e-magazine, the online publication by the world’s funniest lesbians!

Have a question? Email me at askafemme@yahoo.com

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Hey Lezzies, Welcome back to “Ask A Femme.” I’m Natasia and I will be dishing out advice on love, dating, relationships, friendship, career, family and fashion issues. Are your friends tired of trying to come up with the solutions to your problems? Are your friends the problem? Did your mom surprise you with a date with the nice guy at her office? I’m here to help!

Hi Femme,
This question really makes me sound like a middle school girl but I am going to ask anyway.
I am a 25 year old bisexual who mostly dated men in the past. Couple of days ago I met an amazing, artsy, classy woman – bless craigslist! We went out once, however I don’t know how to proceed. She is a lesbian about 10 years older. We are both femmes. Should I call or
should I wait? What is the convention here? Thanks in advance.

So New

SN,

I’m so glad you wrote in, this is a great question. In the straight world, the man generally waits three days and calls the woman if he’s still interested. However, LBQ protocol is different. Women tend to be shyer than men, women new to the scene, such as yourself are hesitant to take on the role of the initiator and women who are more seasoned might be shy after having bad experiences. I’ll let you know what I think. I think women should call each other! Who cares if she hasn’t called you? Call her and let her know you like her. It’s so hard to find someone you have a connection with in this world and that goes for gay and straight people. When I was still on the market, I generally texted a girl after a date to say “thank you.” If the time for that has passed, give her a call, tell her you like her and would really want to see her again. If you are worried too much time has passed since you went out, just let her know you were too nervous to call her sooner because you think she’s so amazing. Girls love that stuff. Good luck and let us know if you get the girl!

Hi,
I have a problem. I met this women and she wanted a friends with benefits type of relationship. I agreed to it and thought I could handle it. I fell more for her than she did for me. She was sarcastic with me and kept telling it wouldn’t last long and that she wasn’t really into me. But when we had sex she was very affectionate. But she couldn’t get aroused or have an orgasm. This is when I knew she wasn’t really into me. I was aroused by her. We agreed to remain friends.

Have A Problem

HAP,

I have to tell you, I don’t think this woman wants a relationship with you. You deserve better than someone who is mean and sarcastic with you. I would say not to even be friends with her, cut ties and find someone who can appreciate you for who you are and who will be sexually compatible with you. Good luck and let us know when you find love!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

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Melanie Nathan 4-4-10.  Celesbians galore,  a 7.2 magnitude  Earthquake,  a grand welcome to Salt-n-Pepa,  after a ten (yes) year hiatus (I call that coming back from the dead baby!) Hey lesbian sisters, what more could you want of California?

The Dinah gave it its all this 20th Anniversary and Meredith was there too – OMG !   We at Lezgetreal heard that you are all having an amazing time at the Dinah. In fact when the earthquake hot (I mean hit…sheez mel! ) we here at LGR were so concerned that we sent a dove to check up on you, her name is Blackberry;  you saw her flying overhead?

Guess what Mariah‘s spokesperson told us?  We asked “Is anyone injured; are they scared?

Answer

no injuries,

everyone was WAY TOO DRUNK to be scared!”

Your interview on this Video certainly toils-the-tude™ (I get to trademark that one) of a classic 20th that only Dinah Dudes get!  Here goes some succinct comments out of the mouths of the Salty Peppery Two:-

“One big estrogen party;”

“After our ten year hiatus our following comes out….”  (kewl, thats purrfect for this performance); and they show us a

“Lot-a-love ” (Duh)

So in case you were not expecting it the World has changed and has not changed….  but undoubtedly if you attend a Mariah Dinah  now or 20 ago, you will have a blast and will never come OUT the same again!   Lotsa Love and Happy Anniversary MARIAH et al.

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Hey Lezzies, Welcome back to “Ask A Femme.” I’m Natasia and I will be dishing out advice on love, dating, relationships, friendship, career, family and fashion issues. Are your friends tired of trying to come up with the solutions to your problems? Are your friends the problem? Did your mom surprise you with a date with the nice guy at her office? I’m here to help!

Dear Femme,

Well, I’m bi but pretty much have given up on men. I’m looking for a good woman that wants what I have to offer and who isn’t going to hurt me like most women do! I’m so sick and tired of being hurt, I don’t deserve it! I’m a good woman, I truly am! You give advice so please give me some.

-Giving Up

Hello GU,

Don’t give up! I’m sure you are a good woman and you deserve someone who will love and respect you, whether that person be male or female. I would never tell someone to ‘give up’ on one sex, however, from reading between the lines of your letter, I get the sense that you want to explore your options with women more then men at this point in your life. So do it! First, you have to change your attitude. Don’t assume that all women out there are going to hurt you.

No one can avoid being hurt, but I want to share with you some tips that might help minimize the risk.

1)      Be Selective- Choose dates with women who have positive qualities. Does she seem honest and open? Is she a great mom or caring with animals? Does she blame others for all her problems or does she take responsibility for her situation? Also, nix anyone who talks about how badly their ex treated them on the first date. That’s a huge warning sign that she may be bitter and bitter people can’t be in a healthy relationship until they deal with their own issues.

2)      Trust your gut instinct. If you are on a first or second date and you get a bad feeling about the person you are with, trust yourself. End the date and find someone new.

Good luck GU and let me know how everything works out!

Dear Femme,

Is it possible for a married woman who has never been with another woman to all of a sudden want to be with a woman?

Help!

Dear Help!,

YES! I don’t know which party you are in this mess, and it is a messy situation, but this is possible. Due to the taboo of being gay, many women are coming out later in life or after they have already married a man. Because of increasing gay visibility and acceptance, women who may have never let themselves understand their attraction towards other women are starting self realize. If you like, send me a follow up question with more details!  

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

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Hey Lezzies, Welcome back to “Ask A Femme.” I’m Natasia and I will be dishing out advice on love, dating, relationships, friendship, career, family and fashion issues. Are your friends tired of trying to come up with the solutions to your problems? Are your friends the problem? Did your mom surprise you with a date with the nice guy at her office? I’m here to help!Dear Femme,

I’m trying online dating for the first time and I’m so overwhelmed. I get tons of messages that I don’t have time to reply to and it seems like every time I go online I get instant messaged. I have been on one date and it was a total bust. There is another girl from the site I am talking to, but I don’t think she’s my type. I think I am just going to give up. I have a full time career, a large circle of friends and family and volunteer in my free time. I just don’t think I have time to devote to this anymore. What do you think?

Online Bust

Hi OB,

Thanks for writing! First of all, don’t be overwhelmed. This process is supposed to be fun and exciting, not stressful! Take a deep breath and remember why you joined an online dating service in the first place, to meet someone who has the same interests as you. So carve out a chunk of time, turn off your cell phone, turn off the tv, hide your online status and go through your messages. Delete the ones that you think you won’t have any chemistry with, either for physical reasons or grammatical ones. Write back to the ones you like.  

The next step is to browse. Don’t let other women choose you, find women you would choose for yourself. Send them each a personalized message based on the interests you share. Don’t just copy and paste the same message over and over. By doing this you will take control of the situation and you will feel more proactive and less overwhelmed.

The last step, don’t talk to either the girl you met in person or the girl you are talking to. Don’t waste your time or theirs.  Good luck and let me know if you meet anyone!

Dear Femme,

I’ve been single for two years. It seems like every time I start dating someone, things go smoothly for one or two months and then she just disappears! I don’t get it. I don’t have sex with anyone until I think they are really interested (definitely not on the first date!) and everything always seems to be fine until the other person stops returning my calls. I’m not a needy person, I don’t call or text my dates every five minutes but I pay enough attention for them to know I am interested. What am I doing wrong? Thanks for your help!

Two Month Chump

Hi TMC,

Thanks for writing! I’m sorry to hear about your predicament, it’s a pretty tricky situation. I don’t know much about you, but I’m going to try to give you the best advice possible.  There are several different possibilities.

1)      It’s not you, it’s them: What type of women are you choosing to date? What is the common thread? Do you tend to choose women who have just gotten out of long-term relationships? Do you gravitate towards women who aren’t looking for a long term partner?  Try to find out on the first or second date if your date is emotionally available or just looking for a good time. Usually you can just trust your instincts on this one. If she starts crying into her ice cream about her ex-girlfriend, she’s probably not ready to date anyone seriously.

2)      It’s not them, it’s you: What signals do you send to your dates? Are you sending them “friend zone” signals? Do come across as not wanting to be in a long-term relationship? Listen to yourself when you talk, do you talk about your ex too much? Do you talk about traveling the world with no ties or commitments to anyone or anything? These are red flags to girls who are looking to settle down with someone. If a month has passed and the girl is still around, talk about a future that applies to both of you.

Good luck, TMC and let me know if it works!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

I’ll apply more lipstick and cross my legs. I’ll put on my shortest black dress for our first date. I’ll kiss in the street. I’ll kiss in front of Barnes and Noble because I was mesmerized by your full red lips.

I’m an idealist. I believe everyone deserves a second chance and a third chance. I’ll dye my hair a color that you don’t like. I’ll wear shorts that are too short. I’ll wear them after you tell me not to. I’ll mismatch my socks with my skirt, you won’t like it. I’ve been called stupid. I’ve been called smart. I’ve been called beautiful. I’ve been asked if I were a transsexual. I’ve been called “human.” I’ve been called “high maintenance.” But I always call first.

I’ll make out with you on your couch. I’ll let you make the first move and let you think your the one in control. I’ll say, “whatever you want to do tonight” when asked. I’ll wait by the phone for you to return my call. I’ll send an email or text after our first date. I’ll go with your moods. I’ll be the girl next to you when you need to look good in front of others. I’ll stay home in my pj’s when your out with your friends and haven’t called in three weeks. I won’t ask if you fucked someone else while you were on vacation without me. You never asked me to come along in the first place. I’ll smile and give you a kiss. I’ll smile and say “that’s okay” when you don’t give me anything on Valentines’ Day because you couldn’t do so much as make a card. I’ll be okay with you needing to leave after 20 minutes because you haven’t started that paper that’s due tomorrow and you just remembered! I’ll take a walk with you on a cold winter night. I’ll drive across state just to see you for an hour. I’m okay with you ignoring me to talk to your artist friends.

I’m okay with an open relationship. Sure, I’m up for a long distance relationship and I always have to go to you.

I’ll sing in my driveway when I’m elated. I’ll stand in the pouring rain with you. I won’t watch the rest of that movie because you want to fuck. I’ll sit with hands folded when the check arrives. I’ll sit with hands folded with a smile when you talk on your cellphone during our date. I’ll smile politely if you completely ignore me to read a magazine. I love to date girls who get into fist fights, I’ll even go on a second date!

I’ll entertain your mother, your acquaintances, your friends, and your boss. I’ll put on more lipgloss just for them. I’ll buy you a drink. I’ll act understanding. I’ll cry in secret. I’ll write stories about you. I’ll buy sexy underwear you won’t see. I understand you and your work are very, very important, I can wait for sex and attention of any sort. I’ll be sitting in the corner, in my shortest dress when you need me, just give a shout.

If that is the case its is up to us as adult individuals to accept full responsibility and turn our lives around.  As an African-American growing up racism was alive and present in my home. My grandmother was from the “old south” .  Vicksburg, Mississippi  was the breeding ground for my grandmother’s internal and external racism. She was fathered by an Irish-Indian  and a Black mother. Growing up with red hair, light skin, and freckles she was really color struck. It was no secret that that lighter kids would get better treatment than the darker ones. This trickled down to my mother, so you can only imagine my childhood.  I was encouraged to be as “Black as possible”.

To my mother’s dismay, and everyone else around us, I was the proper little book worm, who never wanted to be involved in the usual activities.

She would yell at me for watching “white television programs” , and condemn me for being a cultural outcast. I have to defend her and say she thought she was looking out for my best interest, but of course she was traumatizing me. My point in this disturbing little background of mine, is that I’ve always been racially conscious. So I’m not sure if it’s in my head or is there still an issue with interracial dating?

I’ve never had to formerly come out, my mom pretty much knew from the moment I knew, and everyone else looks and just assumes.

The only thing I’ve had to worry about was my actual date and bringing that person home. The only thing my mom and I never fought about was my sexuality, but I was warned years in advance “if she cant use your comb, don’t bring her home.”  I was terrified of how my mom could embarrass a guest of mine or make them feel unwanted. The scenes would play in my head a la “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.”  I can laugh about it now, but then it was hella scary!

Dating has never been about color, culture or back ground for me.

I love Black women and I have to make this clear. Black women just don’t seem to be able to put up with me for too long. I’m a little eclectic, a lot eccentric and downright crazy, so I can see how that may be off putting to any woman. At the same time I can’t understand that whole idea of not wanting someone but frowning when they date someone of another ethnic background. The looks, the stares, the hate- it’s horrible. Last time I checked love came in all forms. Of course the Country is a little delayed in that update,  but as individuals we should know this.

I love a little “milk in my coffee”, but should I be afraid to express my preference?

Another thing I worried about when pursuing diversity in dating, is having and raising kids together. It’s very ‘Bette and Tina’ when you think about it. Should a white woman have to use a black donor in order to bridge the cultural gap and make her partner feel more like a parent? This can be a lot to  ask of children and parents alike. Growing up in a same-sex parented home can prove to be difficult no mater how well you raise your kids. Is it fair to subject them to being Bi-racial on top of that?  Personally, I find that kids raised in a same-sex parented as well as multi-racial home, make for a more open- minded cultured adult. Sometimes skin color is not even evident because they’ve learned and been taught to surpass the outer and connect with the inner.

Tell me what you think:

-Would you date someone of  a different race or background?

-Would you go on to raise kids with this person?

-Would you consider a donor of any obviously different background?

-While with this person, do you let go of their hands in public? Never bring them home? Keep them from your friends and family?

-Is interracial dating for lesbians an issue or an option?

You can experience the SPAZ TALK RADIO Lesbian Podcast at spaztalkradio.podomatic.com or on MySpace at myspace.com/spaztalkradio.

]]> http://lezgetreal.com/2009/05/diversity-in-dating-i-love-a-little-milk-in-my-coffee/feed/ 19 http://lezgetreal.com/2009/04/grindr-gay-dating-for-your-iphone/ http://lezgetreal.com/2009/04/grindr-gay-dating-for-your-iphone/#comments Wed, 08 Apr 2009 16:00:43 +0000 ~Julie Phineas~ http://lezgetreal.com/?p=7671 If you have an iPhone, you might already be familiar with the different applications that are available to you.

Some include social networking apps, gaming, communications and more, including applications for dating. You can now add gay dating to your applications selection with the introduction of the Grindr application if you are a gay or bisexual man who has an iPhone.

TechCrunch says:

While privacy is an issue for all location based social networks, it is of the utmost importance on gay networks. Without proper security measures, bigots could easily download such applications and use them to pinpoint targets for hateful slurs and potentially even violence. Grindr deals with these issues by obscuring a user’s absolute location by default. Rather than plotting each user on the map. Grindr displays how far away they are (distances can range from a few feet to miles away).

The application presents users with a list of nearby strangers, arranged in a grid of photos (you can click on a photo to see their personal profile). From here, users can strike up a real-time chat. If they decide they like their new acquaintance, they can they optionally choose to reveal their exact location.

“Grindr is the next generation of social networking—it’s about location, location, location,” says creator Joel Simkhai.

“Men seeking men are technology and online dating trailblazers. We were the first to fill chat rooms on AOL, the earliest adopters of Friendster, MySpace, and Facebook. Grindr takes meeting people to the next level. If you want to hang out with a guy who’s right around the corner, Grindr is the app that makes it possible.”

If you are interested in learning more about the Grindr iPhone application you can visit www.GrindrGuy.com.

Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her online by visiting her website at www.juliephineas.com.
]]> http://lezgetreal.com/2009/04/grindr-gay-dating-for-your-iphone/feed/ 3 http://lezgetreal.com/2009/04/its-a-chemistrycom-free-communication-weekend/ http://lezgetreal.com/2009/04/its-a-chemistrycom-free-communication-weekend/#comments Sat, 04 Apr 2009 10:00:20 +0000 ~Julie Phineas~ http://lezgetreal.com/?p=7513 Chemistry.com is hosting a Flirtathon this weekend where they open up their network to offer FREE communication for all users.

Chemistry.com, well known for coveting those members who were “rejected by eHarmony”, especially in the gay community, held their first Flirtathon this January and it turned out to be a big success.

If you have been looking for a dating site to join, this is a good opportunity to give Chemistry.com a test drive.

All you have to do is create a free trial membership and check it out. The Flirtathon lasts all weekend, until midnight on Sunday.

Good luck!

Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her online by visiting her website at www.juliephineas.com.

With the recent proposed launch of gay dating site Compatible Partners by anti-gay dating site eHarmony, I was feeling a bit discouraged about my single lesbian friends and how they were going to go about finding the love of their life in the current world of dating.

I have a lot of friends online and have played matchmaker a few times but really, I’m not any good at it. Nevertheless I still have people who ask me if I know any single lesbians who might be interested in chatting or meeting up. In efforts to create a solution I have launched a new website for lesbian singles, in partnership with LDate.com, called SingleWomyn.

SingleWomyn is a site for single lesbians looking to meet other single lesbians, with an option to upgrade to a premium dating package.

Premium members of SingleWomyn have access to an exclusive network of single lesbians worldwide, and the network is tied in to other lesbian dating sites, so you are sure to find a lesbian match if you are single and looking!

If you are in the market for your next ex wife, or looking for the love of your life, be sure to sign up for SingleWomyn today – it’s free!

I am going to promote this site to every single lesbian I know, because I know alot of really great lesbian womyn. Whether you know me or not, if you are a single lesbian, join the SingleWomyn network.

You never know when she’ll be looking for you!

You can sign up and find your matches at www.SingleWomyn.com.

Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her online by visiting her website at www.juliephineas.com.

I have had some of the strangest and most fucked up experiences at the expense of my self confidence and at the hands of Southern California’s lesbian population. I have been single for almost 2 years. Last night was one of the most frustrating and humiliating turn of events in these past 2 years.

So, here is the story:

I have been “seeing” this girl for over a month, pretty much two.

While every person I introduced her to took her as my girlfriend…she on the other hand was “not ready to be exclusive”. Fine. I get that. Healing from a serious break up is hard work. I was completely fine with that, and she knew where I stood and how I felt so the ball was in her court. We kissed and cuddled (nothing really more than that), but we were really more than friends…but less than lovers. It was a purgatory. I could live with the purgatory for a while, that is how much I liked her. So everything is good, great even…we saw each other often, she met a lot of my friends and I even took her to Disneyland. This girl seemed like a potential girlfriend. Then things fell apart in about a matter of 24 hours.

Friday night I was texting her and she told me she was just at the dog park at my work. (I work at huge recreational park) So…she was at my work and didn’t bother to text me or call me to see if I was there (and I was, I WAS working). So I sort of let it slide for an hour or so. Then I find myself starting to assume the reasoning behind it. So instead of assuming I ask her flat out. Her response? “I dont know…why do you care?” As one girl put it….wrong answer. This was so out of character, we continue texting about the subject and she tells me that she didn’t know I was there. So I feel a better and I understand more. Next I tell her (in a joking fashion) “Well for future reference I work every friday, saturday, and sunday =)”. Her next response?? “Ewww I don’t think I like your attitude.” Uh…..what? I wasn’t aware I had an attitude and I apologized for coming across that way. I didn’t hear from her the rest of the night.

The next day (Saturday) I tell her to have a good day at work. She answers really plainly and I ask her if I upset her. Well it turns out she was under the impression I had assumed she was being an asshole. Which I didn’t. So I expressed that. And the air was cleared. And we discussed our plans for going to this HUGE halloween party in Malibu that night. This went until almost 12pm.

530pm rolls around and I haven’t heard from her. So I text her trying to figure out whats happening and if she is still at work. Nothing. 630pm creeps up, I text her again. Nothing. At 7pm I call her cell and call her work. No answers. At this point I’m worried because this is nothing she has ever done before. So at 730pm (the time we were planning on leaving) I get in the car and head to her work to see if she is there. Nope. I call her phone one last time: “Hi this is ******, I had a bad day so my phone is off and I’m ignoring the world.” ???????????? Excuse me? It’s easy to imagine I was livid.

I used the hour drive to Malibu as sufficient time to get my anger out. And yea…the party was AWESOME and I looked hot. Her loss. Moving on.

My deal with this situation is…it is not the first time it has happened to me. I had a similar situation in the beginning of August. And another in the spring. Is there something I’m doing to make girls react this way? Or do I tend to attract this certain kind of crazy. If so…how do I change it? Maybe it’s something I can’t change, and eventually it will even out?

Food for thought my friends…food for thought.

Brittany Marie lives in Southern California and works with the City of Santa Clarita. She is considered a plus size fashionista and loves styling outfits for her friends and family. She runs two fashion blogs including Lez Be Fashionable and I’m Feeling Fat and Sassy.