After a brief hiatus (you missed me, didn’t you?), Riley Dylan is back to offer a boi’s perspective on love, dating and relationships.  This week, one lucky reader has won a coveted kitchen appliance!  See below.  Email your questions to RDylan1980@gmail.com.

Dearest Riley,

I am currently in a catch-22 and I am not sure what to do. I was involved with a girl from my softball team this summer, who was straight and said I was the only girl she has ever been attracted to you. Things progressed, problem was, she had a boyfriend. Everything was going in my favor and then boom. She needed us to be strictly friends, so she could figure everything out. She went without talking to me for some time and now recently has broken up with her boyfriend and is talking to me again. We both had strong feelings for one another, but I don’t know where she stands now. I don’t want to be a rebound or get involved to quickly, but I also can’t help the feelings I still have for her. How should I approach this?

Sincerely,

Hopeful Heart

Thank you for writing, Hopeful Heart!

Ah, this boi has a hard time staying away from “straight” teammates, too.  First of all, I recommend reading Alex Fox’s “Playma.. I mean.. Teammates.”  You don’t want your love life upsetting the team dynamic.  That wouldn’t be fair to you, her or the rest of the team.

So she’s broken up with the boyfriend!  Sorry guys, we need our toasters.  Well, it sounds like you don’t know all the exact reasons why she has left her guy.  It could be that she just has relationship problems with him, that she is realizing that she doesn’t prefer only guys, that she has feelings for you, etc.  Until she’s put those reasons out in the open, I wouldn’t assume.

Also, I think the word “rebound” gets a bad rap.  Feelings are feelings are feelings.  Why deny them?  Ever?

Warning: Instant gratification comes with side effects.

Disclaimer: Riley doesn’t give a shit about the above warning.

Sometimes it’s just a matter of being in the right place at the right time.  I stayed with a rebound for years.  I have friends that are married with kids to their rebounds.  If she still has feelings for you, and you for her, I see no reason to put anything on hold simply because you are worried about timing.

However, it sounds like she hasn’t spoken to you on where she stands.  And it might not be the best idea to push her to tell you.  My advice is to begin inviting her to hang out casually again, and enjoy spending time with her.  Don’t push for a relationship.  Don’t push for her to explain how she feels.  Flirt!  Have fun!  Relax and let her feel comfortable around you.  She’s just gone through a break-up and certainly doesn’t need any added pressure.  She’ll appreciate you more if you start off being a great friend, and you can build on that.

After a few weeks of this (weeks, not days, mind you) if you haven’t discovered any answers, then it will be ok for you to ask her direct relationship-oriented questions.

Good luck, Hopeful Heart!  Here’s your toaster.

-Riley

Hey lezzies!  I’m Riley and I’m here to offer a boi’s perspective on love, dating and relationships.  This week, the focus is on those exes that just… don’t… get it!  Email your questions to RDylan1980@gmail.com.

Dearest Riley,

I’m at a loss. I broke up with my girlfriend over two months ago, but she continues to email, call, and incessantly text me! Sometimes I respond, but not frequently at all. I never initiate the conversation. I never return her calls. And I haven’t said “I love you” back to her since the day before we broke up. On top of it, the things she is texting me? Complete nonsense! “I fell asleep in class today, ha!” or “I just got done skinning a cat!” or “I had to blow my nose right when I woke up this morning. Isn’t that funny?” (Actual texts.) I would think the lack of response would translate to “STOP TEXTING ME!” but it hasn’t. I’ve also tried the, “It’s too hard for me to be friends with you right now; I think we should stop talking for a while” (which lasted a day). And now her BFF has become involved and is scolding ME for continuing to break her friend’s heart. If I tell my ex straight up how I feel, it’ll kill her. She’s young, vulnerable, and heart-broken. And of course, I’m her first/only girl, so she’s taking it that much harder.

What do I do???

-Annoyed in MN

Ooh thanks, Ms. Minnesota, I’m glad I’m someone’s “dearest”.

Ah, the dangers of being the “first girl.” You opened someone’s mind to an entirely different way of viewing life and love. What an exciting and rewarding experience! And yet, as in any relationship, there is always the possibility that the love won’t last. And those girls that have just allowed themselves to play in a very different pool suddenly realize they’re swimming alone. What can you do when they try to cling to you to keep from drowning?

You had me laughing at the “actual texts,” I have to admit. (Skinning a cat… what?!) Perhaps sending some fun texts back in her direction would do the trick? How about “I keep getting random texts from a crazy ex! Oh wait, that’s you! Haha!” or “I’m going on a date. Did you think I looked better in the green button up or the black one?”

Ok, ok, I’m being insensitive. Of course that would be the wrong move. The right one isn’t always easy.

Unfortunately, sometimes people don’t understand what a lack of response or delayed response to a text might mean. See my column on Avoiding Creepers for more thoughts on that subject. I appreciate that you’ve tried a direct approach with her, in telling her outright that you should stop talking. I’m sorry it didn’t work.

It’s great when friends become involved, isn’t it? And then friends of friends. Suddenly complete strangers are walking up to you in the street saying “God, you’re such a jerk!” Brush off the BFF. She isn’t your BFF. This business is between you and your ex, and you don’t have to answer to anyone else.

Ms. Minnesota, I know you know this: heartbreak is a part of life. It’s a completely necessary part of life to go through. It’s imperative for us to realize that we can get over former lovers. Time passes. New people come into our lives. Yes, she’s heartbroken. You obviously meant a great deal to this girl and it’s sweet that you want to protect her, even though you’re no longer with her. But you already know what needs to be done, Ms. MN. You said it yourself. “Tell her straight up how I feel.”

You know what else? It won’t kill her.

Be direct. Be honest. Be real. Be firm. Be kind.

That’s my advice.

You’ve noted that she has other friends that care for her. Eventually she might respect you for allowing her to move on that much more quickly. Each break up we go through is a learning experience. I can tell you one thing: break ups never get easier, especially if you’re the one being broken up with. And it isn’t a great feeling knowing that you’ve hurt someone, either.

But it will be a great feeling to know that you were true to yourself, while being as compassionate as possible.

Thanks for writing!

-Riley

Creepers. Dictionary defined as “one who creeps.”

You know who they are. They’re part of your social circle and they’ve never really had a serious girlfriend. The girls waiting for you in the dark corners of the bar, ready to take advantage of the opportunity when you’ve had one too many beers to try out their lame pick-ups lines. The girls you really wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole, but you feel obligated to speak to, because you feel a little sorry for them, and you’re really a nice person. They might even be good friendship material except for the fact that they never realize you don’t like them “that way.” I’ve quickly learned that one of the downfalls of not having a girlfriend is being without someone to blame things on or use as an excuse.

It’s important to recognize the warning signs of a creeper early on. I made the mistake of inviting an un-confirmed creeper over for a movie one night. I was pretty confident I’d made it clear that we were just friends, so was stupidly surprised when she showed up with two bottles of wine. Was even more surprised when she drunkenly tried to sit in my lap halfway through the movie and relieved when she eventually passed out on the couch. If I had paid attention to red flags earlier on, I might not have been shocked to be awakened in the middle of the night with her kneeling next to my bed and stroking my hair. True story.

If you’re single, you might have a couple creepers. Not sure? Here’s how to find out.

Creeper Test 1: Text to/from ratio
If she is texting you 5 times to your one, someone is creeping you. Yes, creeping is a verb.

Creeper Test 2: Are they sending you unprompted suggestive texts that you continually ignore?
“I have class on Saturday until 4. Nothing that night.” “I’m off at 11.” “When are we hanging out?” “My roommate is out for the night. I’m all alone. ”

I wait several hours before responding to creeper texts. This is standard. I’ve even waited days. Unfortunately, the lesbian community is small, and you might come across as an asshole if you completely ignore them.

Hint to creepers reading this: If I’m waiting more than 24 hours to text you back, it ain’t happenin’.

Creeper Test 3: Do you have a Facebook/Twitter page stalker?
Creepers will pop up on your Facebook chat while you are browsing your news feed, unaware of being signed in. They usually don’t even know how to start a conversation.

Creeper chat: “Hey.”

Shit. Damn Facebook. I thought I was offline.

They comment on most of your statuses, usually completely unrelated to whatever you’ve just posted.

Me: “I just ate pancakes and boy were they delicious!”
Creeper comment: “I am wondering if you are online and no one can see you… are in stealth mode…? Lol.”

Yes, I’m in stealth mode. I go through life in stealth mode, thanks to creepers.

Creeper Test 4: Can they take a hint?
Creepers can’t pick up on your subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle clues. You can give reason after reason to avoid them. They’ll wait you out.

Creeper: “What are you doing Friday night?”
Me: “Um, my dog ate my homework…” Dammit, wrong excuse.

My excuse of the week: “No, I can’t go out for a drink… I’m on a cleanse.” Of course, I then made the mistake of tweeting something about happy hour with the girls from work.

Immediate creeper text: “I thought you were on a cleanse?” (See Test #3)

I’ve tried a variety of excuses. “I’m not looking for anything serious.” “I’m a mess.” “I just want some time to myself.”

Creepers still don’t get it. “Oh, I don’t want anything serious either. We can just be friends who fuck sometimes.”

Best to have an answer ready for that one. I prefer “I’ve gotten really religious lately. I’m thinking about becoming a nun.”

Creeper Test 5: Are they socially awkward?
Do they laugh at everything you say? Even when you aren’t trying to be funny?

Me: I’m so tired this morning. Need coffee.
Creeper: LOL! OMG you crack me up! LMAO!

Umm…

How to Avoid Creeping:
First of all, don’t fail tests 1 through 5. Relax, if the girl you like is into you, she’s going to find a way to let you know. Let her come to you.

Desperation is not attractive. Even though I’m single, I try not to appear desperate. For example, if I receive a text from the girl I’m crushing on I’ll wait at least 5 minutes before responding. Of course, if I notice that it’s taken her 8 minutes to reply, I’ll wait at least 9 before getting back to her. It’s all a part of knowing how to play the game. Less is more.

Most importantly, though, let me remind you: Pay attention to tell-tale creeper signs. Your restful night’s sleep depends on it.

What are your creeper horror stories? Standard excuses? Share your comments below.

Riley Dylan can be reached at RDylan1980@gmail.com.

Dear Riley,

I’m just getting back into the dating scene after being in a long relationship.  I’ve been going out by myself, since I lost a lot of my friends in the break-up.  It is exciting to be single, but nerve wracking at the same time!  I’m ok with approaching people, but sometimes when girls come up to me, if I’m not interested, I can’t seem to figure out how to get out of the situation!  I want to play the field and don’t want to get stuck talking to one girl all night.  I can’t come up with any good exit strategies!  Do you have any?

Flying Solo

Dear Flying Solo,

What you need is a good wingman!  They are perfect for getting you out of tight situations, or they should be.  You just need to find the right one, and this is important.  See last week’s column for the dangers of choosing the wrong wingman.  In fact, let me provide you with the handy questionnaire I give to all my potential wingmen.

Wingman Application:

1. Do you secretly want to be with me?

2. Are you lying so that when we’re drunk later you’ll see if I’ll make out with you?

3. Are you funny?  Tell me a joke.

4. Read the following situations and provide the appropriate response.

Situation 1: We’ve been at the bar for an hour and I’ve been chatting up the same girl for 20 minutes.  I clearly have my beer goggles on and can do better.  What do you do?

A. Let me continue the conversation.

B. Tell me it’s time to go get drinks.

C. When I tell you I don’t need another drink right now, grab my arm and BRING me to go get drinks.

Situation 2: I’ve been cornered by the girl we’ve been politely trying to avoid all night.  Because I’m a nice person, I’m having a conversation with her, but am clearly wanting out.  What do you do? (more than one answer could apply)

A. Let me continue the conversation. (Hint. No.)

B. Walk up to us and tell me that everyone’s ready to head to the next bar now (even if we’re the only two out).

C. Tell me you need an escort to the bathroom because your ex’s new girlfriend is stalking you.

Escalated situation: The girl I’m talking to is now glaring daggers at you and trying to body block you from my view.  What is your back-up plan?

5. Which of the following signs means I need you NOW?

A. Mouthing the world “Help!”

B. Smiling in your direction, but you see the panic behind my eyes.

C. Saying any of the other various code words we’ve come up with before heading out for the night.

6. How much experience do you have flagging down cabs?

Hope this helps.  Good luck with your wingman search!

-Riley

Dear Riley,

A girl I’ve been hanging around with recently has told me many times that she has feelings for me. I think she’s fun, in a wingman sort of way, but I’m definitely not into her like that and have told her so. The other night we were out and both drunk and she asked if she could kiss me. I said yes and we made out. I dropped her off at her house later and for the rest of the night she was blowing up my phone asking to come spend the night. How do I show her I’m not interested without hurting her feelings even though I’ve made out with her?

Heartbreaker

Dear Heartbreaker,

If her feelings are hurt, I’m thinkin’ that’s on her. If you were up front with her from the get-go about not being interested in her, and she still asked to kiss you, then she only has herself to blame. As far as I can remember, I’ve never signed any relationship contracts while having drunk make-out sessions in a bar. Did she show you any papers? Was there a notary present? However, no one likes lez drama, so I recommend bringing a friend along the next time you go out with this chick. She likes you; she’s not wingman material.

Let us know how it goes!

Riley

Related articles

• Lez Ask The Femme: I’m Over my Ex, Now What? (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask The Femme: Reeling Her In (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask the Femme: She’s Not Ready For a Relationship (lezgetreal.com)

Hi,

I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years…. attractive, talented, all of that.  She was very sweet and friendly with me… and finally single!  But — she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while.  Not really in the market now.  (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.)  She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe… but she’s who I really want!  Moreover, my mom has a particularly high regard for her as well, so she’s the only person I know of that my family would support initially rather than questioning like, “What is she DOING dating a woman??”.  How do I resolve this?

Thank you,

WS

Hi WS,

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but the girl you want? She’s just not into you. She’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.

 I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.

As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents both as a new partner and as the woman who is “turning their daughter gay.”

Good luck, WS and keep in touch!

Dear Femme, 

My girlfriend of a little over a year recently broke up with me. She says that she needs time for herself but she does not want to rule out us dating again but right now is not the time for her. Before the breakup we were very happy and had a very healthy relationship. The cause of the break-up is a little complicated. I graduated in May and have been trying to find a job and it was beginning to really take a toll on me, therefore hurting the relationship. Since then, I have found a job and I feel much more confident in myself and generally just a much happier person. All my friends tell me to forget about her, move on but I can’t help feeling as though we had something so special and that I can’t help but want to work on it rather than just giving up on her all together. I haven’t tried to contact her since the break-up but she still does text me once and awhile. What do I do? Just forget about her and move on or try to win her back? 

Confused 

Hi Confused,

I’m sorry to hear about your break-up. I have to agree with your friends, you should probably move on. BUT I believe in communication and I think you should let your ex know how you feel. Write her an email, saying exactly what you told me above about your job situation and how you are happier now and miss the special connection you had.

Don’t call her instead of sending an email. Email is better than phone for this, because you can express your feelings in an organized way, without interruption.

If she responds again saying she’s not ready for a relationship, cut all communication with her until you are completely over her. Get out there, start dating again, meet girls your friends introduce you too who ARE ready for a relationship, because it sounds like you want a relationship. You’re happy, spread your positive energy! Other women will pick up on your positivity and be drawn to it.  

Good luck Confused, and let me know how it goes!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

Related articles by Zemanta

• Lez Ask the Femme: Finding the Girl & Getting the Girl (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask the Femme: Should I let my Girlfriend Have a Boyfriend? (lezgetreal.com)
• The Real L Word Recap: Episode 8 (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask the Femme: Am I Bisexual or Lesbian? (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask The Femme: Getting Started (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask the Femme: Dating Sucks (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask the Femme: Married Women (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask the Femme: Stumbling Blocks (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask the Femme: Go For It (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask The Femme: Time to Break-Up (lezgetreal.com)

Hey Lezzies, Welcome back to “Ask A Femme.” I’m Natasia and I will be dishing out advice on love, dating, relationships, friendship, career, family and fashion issues. Are your friends tired of trying to come up with the solutions to your problems? Are your friends the problem? Did your mom surprise you with a date with the nice guy at her office? I’m here to help!

Hi Femme,
This question really makes me sound like a middle school girl but I am going to ask anyway.
I am a 25 year old bisexual who mostly dated men in the past. Couple of days ago I met an amazing, artsy, classy woman – bless craigslist! We went out once, however I don’t know how to proceed. She is a lesbian about 10 years older. We are both femmes. Should I call or
should I wait? What is the convention here? Thanks in advance.

So New

SN,

I’m so glad you wrote in, this is a great question. In the straight world, the man generally waits three days and calls the woman if he’s still interested. However, LBQ protocol is different. Women tend to be shyer than men, women new to the scene, such as yourself are hesitant to take on the role of the initiator and women who are more seasoned might be shy after having bad experiences. I’ll let you know what I think. I think women should call each other! Who cares if she hasn’t called you? Call her and let her know you like her. It’s so hard to find someone you have a connection with in this world and that goes for gay and straight people. When I was still on the market, I generally texted a girl after a date to say “thank you.” If the time for that has passed, give her a call, tell her you like her and would really want to see her again. If you are worried too much time has passed since you went out, just let her know you were too nervous to call her sooner because you think she’s so amazing. Girls love that stuff. Good luck and let us know if you get the girl!

Hi,
I have a problem. I met this women and she wanted a friends with benefits type of relationship. I agreed to it and thought I could handle it. I fell more for her than she did for me. She was sarcastic with me and kept telling it wouldn’t last long and that she wasn’t really into me. But when we had sex she was very affectionate. But she couldn’t get aroused or have an orgasm. This is when I knew she wasn’t really into me. I was aroused by her. We agreed to remain friends.

Have A Problem

HAP,

I have to tell you, I don’t think this woman wants a relationship with you. You deserve better than someone who is mean and sarcastic with you. I would say not to even be friends with her, cut ties and find someone who can appreciate you for who you are and who will be sexually compatible with you. Good luck and let us know when you find love!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

Related articles by Zemanta

• Lez Ask The Femme: Getting Started (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask the Femme: Dating Sucks (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask the Femme: Married Women (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask the Femme: Stumbling Blocks (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask the Femme: Go For It (lezgetreal.com)
• Lez Ask The Femme: Time to Break-Up (lezgetreal.com)