Hi,

I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years…. attractive, talented, all of that.  She was very sweet and friendly with me… and finally single!  But — she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while.  Not really in the market now.  (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.)  She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe… but she’s who I really want!  Moreover, my mom has a particularly high regard for her as well, so she’s the only person I know of that my family would support initially rather than questioning like, “What is she DOING dating a woman??”.  How do I resolve this?

Thank you,

WS

Hi WS,

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but the girl you want? She’s just not into you. She’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.

 I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.

As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents both as a new partner and as the woman who is “turning their daughter gay.”

Good luck, WS and keep in touch!

Dear Femme, 

My girlfriend of a little over a year recently broke up with me. She says that she needs time for herself but she does not want to rule out us dating again but right now is not the time for her. Before the breakup we were very happy and had a very healthy relationship. The cause of the break-up is a little complicated. I graduated in May and have been trying to find a job and it was beginning to really take a toll on me, therefore hurting the relationship. Since then, I have found a job and I feel much more confident in myself and generally just a much happier person. All my friends tell me to forget about her, move on but I can’t help feeling as though we had something so special and that I can’t help but want to work on it rather than just giving up on her all together. I haven’t tried to contact her since the break-up but she still does text me once and awhile. What do I do? Just forget about her and move on or try to win her back? 

Confused 

Hi Confused,

I’m sorry to hear about your break-up. I have to agree with your friends, you should probably move on. BUT I believe in communication and I think you should let your ex know how you feel. Write her an email, saying exactly what you told me above about your job situation and how you are happier now and miss the special connection you had.

Don’t call her instead of sending an email. Email is better than phone for this, because you can express your feelings in an organized way, without interruption.

If she responds again saying she’s not ready for a relationship, cut all communication with her until you are completely over her. Get out there, start dating again, meet girls your friends introduce you too who ARE ready for a relationship, because it sounds like you want a relationship. You’re happy, spread your positive energy! Other women will pick up on your positivity and be drawn to it.  

Good luck Confused, and let me know how it goes!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

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We can’t seem to shake the belief that we are Nester’s who prefer to “settle in” a comfy-cozy lifestyle and procreate. I for one don’t doubt this, but when such a broad belief is used to generalize the “typical” woman, I’m all about disputing it. There are dozen of ways to categorize women. I just want to address the fact and explore the ideas that some women are perfectly capable of being single and loving it.

To accept this idea we first have to understand that being alone is not a curse, punishment, or sign that no one else wants to deal with us.

It’s a sign that we are perfectly OK “dealing” with ourselves, and because of it able to flourish and lead healthy relationships with others and ourselves respectively. Some women work really hard to establish themselves, and don’t feel it necessary to pursue romance until they’ve reached a certain point of personal success. Ladies we have to know this is OK!

It is romantically irresponsible to attempt your hands at romantic relationships knowing that you may not be available because of time restrictions, intimacy issues, personal problems, or are just plain not in the right place.

Sometimes it’s just that we feel fulfilled and satisfied by ourselves, even sexually, and that an actual partner may just get in the way. The key to combating certain relationship obligations is to know where you stand when it comes to the subject.

I find that being single is so much more beneficial to my success and where I want to go in life.

I’ve been in love, had a live in partner, and was totally and completely committed to her. She gave me the best years of my life. Now I am in a place where I seek a more healthy non-romantic success. Being good in a  relationship can make you feel on top of the world. A great provider, excellent mom, and committed wife can confirm womanhood. True womanhood is defined by being a great woman before you encounter those kind of responsibilities.

Now to get to the meat and potatoes of it all, can confirmed single women feel free to date?

Some daters may feel conflicted, thinking that someone who is happy being single may string one along. Just because a woman enjoys being single doesn’t mean she wont enjoy the company of another especially in a romantic setting. It’s usually the commitment that follows a few good dates that is of no appeal to her.

Which brings me to the idea that after a certain amount of dates, the deal is sealed, and Voila! You have a girlfriend.

A relationship is not determined by the number of dates a pair goes on, but the willingness to take it further after a certain number of dates. Five good dates aren’t parallel to a new relationship, and believing so may scare your partner away. I want to really raise a point that a woman who dates but doesn’t want a seriously, committed relationship doesn’t have to be a player, a whore, or a dog. Wanting to date is fine, even carrying on a consensual, responsible, sexual relationship is fine (I know, I know, groan). My point is that it’s OK to remain single while desiring to date around.

It’s 2009, no longer the Stone Age, women are free to pick their partners, or not pick them.

We can stand alone or strongly together. In a time and country where marriage is barely legal (woot, woot to IOWA and VERMONT) being single may be more secure for some. Validation no longer has to come in the form of pleasing your woman or man. Shame no longer has to follow when you show up to your ten year high school reunion alone.

We are Carrie Bradshaw hear us roarrr- or not.

Fact is we are beautiful beings genetically pre-disposed to provide and nurture our loved ones. We will always be chemically inclined to love and care for the people and things around us. When we choose to do so, is solely left up to us. And I must say, it sure feels good.

You can experience the SPAZ TALK RADIO Lesbian Podcast at spaztalkradio.podomatic.com or on MySpace at myspace.com/spaztalkradio.

So here’s the story…my sis-in-law is ready to buy a home.

She’s got a good job, great credit, a college education, and a good work ethic. She’s a nice person and chicks dig her. Her big flaw, or rather her Achilles heel, is her EX-WIFE, yes in capitals! For the love of all that is holy, my sis-in-law (lets call her N), can’t seem to shake the one person who has brought her so much grief and pain, the one who holds the kids as pawns in her twisted game of “N, give me money or you can’t see them” or “N, pick them up when I need to go party”. But N just never see’s the reality of what THE EX is doing….but that is neither here nor there.

The thing is that N wants to buy a house and make it her home.

But she’s asked us “where is the nearest school?” and “will you pick the kids up from school?”…she obviously didn’t get the memo. Should you really plan on buying a home just to keep on being a slave to your ex? And not just any ex, but THE EX! (this one is a real piece of work, but that’s a whole other story!)

I think my sis-in-law is about to fall into the “lets just move in with N” zone.

You know it…single lesbian, house with extra room. She might as well send an email to every crazy girl with problems, loser-friends, bad credit, ex’s they still deal with and anybody in-between… hey, lets all crash at N’s pad! If N thought it was tough when they were a couple, wait til THE EX continues to squeeze you for your few remaining nickels after you pay a mortgage! It’s giving me chest pains just to think about the oncoming drama!

But in the end all I could tell her was to please get her head together before buying a house and making that big commitment.

The moral of this story:

Get over the girl before buying your house or you will hurt more than you do right now.

(AND YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW WILL NOT PICK UP THE KIDS OR HELP YOU MOVE YOUR STUFF!!! SHE WILL JUST LAUGH AND TELL YOU I TOLD YOU SO!)

Subject: Leasing versus Purchasing

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

This is Heather.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer’s (former Governor of New York) call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!

This is Kristen.

Had Paul McCartney ‘employed’ Kristen for 5 years, he would’ve paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, plays all requests, no bitching and complaining or ‘to do’ lists. Best of all, she leaves when you’re done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Sometimes leasing makes far more sense.

Two Lesbos Goin At It is at www.twolesbosgoinatit.com