Now that I’ve officially committed to being single, something horrible has happened: I’ve realized single people go on dates. Like, first dates.

I was kind of hoping we could jump right into the third? Or just cut straight to the sex, minus the date part? Oh, that’s right, I’m a lesbian, not a gay dude. (Sorry boys, I know I’m stereotyping.) Pretty sure there’s a reason why we don’t have Grindr for women. Most women want to be wined and dined before getting into anything physical. At least if they’re not meeting for the first time in a bar and drunkenly getting it on in the bathroom, that is.

(On a side note, gross! Public restrooms? I’m not by any means pleading innocent to this type of encounter, but I’m hoping to someday grow out of that phase.)

Back to my point. People date for different reasons. For those chicks that want to remain single, first dates determine whether there is enough chemistry to even pursue wild-oat sowing. For those looking for relationships, first dates are a chance to get a glimpse of her personality, get to know her likes and dislikes.

I haven’t figured out exactly why I’m dating yet. Being a serial monogamist and having singledom (singlehood?) forced upon me, I’m dating because, for some mysterious reason, I feel I HAVE to. Am I looking for a relationship? I don’t know. Do I need to know the answer to this before I jump into the dating pool? Are girls expecting me to know? Well, too late, I’ve already had…um…three dates. In seven months. I’m clearly on a roll.

I don’t know; I figure if I’m asked, I’ll just say that I’m not looking for anything serious and let nature take its course. Does it make me a player/slut/whore to want to sleep with someone even if I don’t want a relationship with them? I haven’t figured out how this crap works yet!

Would this mean I don’t have values? I like to think that I do. Sex means something different to everyone, right?

All I know is that since my last relationship ended, my friends have been encouraging me to “play the field.” Even my life coach said I had to “try on more shoes.” Damn. More first dates. I hate ‘em.

Why?

First thing I’ve noticed. The girls all expect me to pick the place. Is this because I look like the guy? I thought we had transcended gender stereotypes/roles. I personally find it sexy if SHE picks the place. Maybe this is because I’m a girl myself. (I know, amazing, isn’t it?) But I like to think it’s because I like a girl who knows what she wants and is confident enough to make decisions. Besides, I’d rather be the boss in other areas of.. ahem. Anyway.

Also, I know the rule is supposed to be ‘whoever asks, pays’. I like this rule. I usually ask. And sometimes even when I’m asked, I offer to pay. (If the date is good. If it isn’t…sorry, lady, I’m excusing myself when the bill comes. Kidding! Maybe.) What about those cases when it isn’t clear cut who was the asker/askee? Everyone I’ve brought this up to has said “Split it,” but… now I’m putting myself into that gender stereotype… Isn’t that… awkward? Let me answer that. Yes. And since that lovely experience, I’ve paid. But, how to get around this in the future?

Finally, how do you decide when the date is over? One of my dates was for a football game. Excellent! Game over! Go home! And wasn’t that the LONGEST second half I’ve ever had to sit through? And I even LIKE football! Lunch dates are fine. Especially during the work week. Hour’s up, and done! But what about dinner dates? Ok, we’re done eating. Guess we’ll sit and talk for…awhile. Heh. That was actually a good date. Soooo… do I invite her home? I chickened out.

As with any activity, practice makes perfect, and I’ve not had much practice. Obviously, the more shoes I try on, the better they’ll start fitting, right? At least I should start to get a feel for what kind of shoe I like? Sometimes the ones that look the best in the store hurt like hell when you get them on.. Oooh, I could go on all day with this analogy! I’m cutting myself off… and headed back to Foot Locker. Ha!

What are your first date tips? Warnings? Horror/success stories? Share below. Contact Riley Dylan at RDylan1980@gmail.com

Creepers. Dictionary defined as “one who creeps.”

You know who they are. They’re part of your social circle and they’ve never really had a serious girlfriend. The girls waiting for you in the dark corners of the bar, ready to take advantage of the opportunity when you’ve had one too many beers to try out their lame pick-ups lines. The girls you really wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole, but you feel obligated to speak to, because you feel a little sorry for them, and you’re really a nice person. They might even be good friendship material except for the fact that they never realize you don’t like them “that way.” I’ve quickly learned that one of the downfalls of not having a girlfriend is being without someone to blame things on or use as an excuse.

It’s important to recognize the warning signs of a creeper early on. I made the mistake of inviting an un-confirmed creeper over for a movie one night. I was pretty confident I’d made it clear that we were just friends, so was stupidly surprised when she showed up with two bottles of wine. Was even more surprised when she drunkenly tried to sit in my lap halfway through the movie and relieved when she eventually passed out on the couch. If I had paid attention to red flags earlier on, I might not have been shocked to be awakened in the middle of the night with her kneeling next to my bed and stroking my hair. True story.

If you’re single, you might have a couple creepers. Not sure? Here’s how to find out.

Creeper Test 1: Text to/from ratio
If she is texting you 5 times to your one, someone is creeping you. Yes, creeping is a verb.

Creeper Test 2: Are they sending you unprompted suggestive texts that you continually ignore?
“I have class on Saturday until 4. Nothing that night.” “I’m off at 11.” “When are we hanging out?” “My roommate is out for the night. I’m all alone. ”

I wait several hours before responding to creeper texts. This is standard. I’ve even waited days. Unfortunately, the lesbian community is small, and you might come across as an asshole if you completely ignore them.

Hint to creepers reading this: If I’m waiting more than 24 hours to text you back, it ain’t happenin’.

Creeper Test 3: Do you have a Facebook/Twitter page stalker?
Creepers will pop up on your Facebook chat while you are browsing your news feed, unaware of being signed in. They usually don’t even know how to start a conversation.

Creeper chat: “Hey.”

Shit. Damn Facebook. I thought I was offline.

They comment on most of your statuses, usually completely unrelated to whatever you’ve just posted.

Me: “I just ate pancakes and boy were they delicious!”
Creeper comment: “I am wondering if you are online and no one can see you… are in stealth mode…? Lol.”

Yes, I’m in stealth mode. I go through life in stealth mode, thanks to creepers.

Creeper Test 4: Can they take a hint?
Creepers can’t pick up on your subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle clues. You can give reason after reason to avoid them. They’ll wait you out.

Creeper: “What are you doing Friday night?”
Me: “Um, my dog ate my homework…” Dammit, wrong excuse.

My excuse of the week: “No, I can’t go out for a drink… I’m on a cleanse.” Of course, I then made the mistake of tweeting something about happy hour with the girls from work.

Immediate creeper text: “I thought you were on a cleanse?” (See Test #3)

I’ve tried a variety of excuses. “I’m not looking for anything serious.” “I’m a mess.” “I just want some time to myself.”

Creepers still don’t get it. “Oh, I don’t want anything serious either. We can just be friends who fuck sometimes.”

Best to have an answer ready for that one. I prefer “I’ve gotten really religious lately. I’m thinking about becoming a nun.”

Creeper Test 5: Are they socially awkward?
Do they laugh at everything you say? Even when you aren’t trying to be funny?

Me: I’m so tired this morning. Need coffee.
Creeper: LOL! OMG you crack me up! LMAO!

Umm…

How to Avoid Creeping:
First of all, don’t fail tests 1 through 5. Relax, if the girl you like is into you, she’s going to find a way to let you know. Let her come to you.

Desperation is not attractive. Even though I’m single, I try not to appear desperate. For example, if I receive a text from the girl I’m crushing on I’ll wait at least 5 minutes before responding. Of course, if I notice that it’s taken her 8 minutes to reply, I’ll wait at least 9 before getting back to her. It’s all a part of knowing how to play the game. Less is more.

Most importantly, though, let me remind you: Pay attention to tell-tale creeper signs. Your restful night’s sleep depends on it.

What are your creeper horror stories? Standard excuses? Share your comments below.

Riley Dylan can be reached at RDylan1980@gmail.com.

Apparently I have a lot to learn about how to function as a single lesbian. Or just a single person in general, I guess, since my heterosexual brother informed me that the same rules apply across the board.

Rules? I was completely oblivious that there were any, and got a bit of an awakening during Halloween weekend.

It was ladies night downtown on Friday night. I really wasn’t feeling dressing up this year since #1: no money; #2: no time; #3: no ideas. So I went out as myself. As hot as I could make myself, that is. I figure it’s about time I attempted to find out what kind of “game” I have, since I haven’t been single since being out.

Should be easy, right? Yeah, not so much.

I think I need to be a bit careful with how I make eye contact. I’m starting to realize that: Rule # 1: Extended eye contact (more than 2 seconds) means “Come over and talk to me.”

I’d been playing the “You didn’t catch me looking at you” game with some girl dressed as a ladybug for twenty minutes when she finally approached. My friends saw her head in my direction and began punching me in the arm in a “Here she comes!” sort of way, until she gazed deeply into my eyes and said…. “My friend wants to dance with you…”

Damn.

Really?? Ok, is this another one of the rules? If I’m interested in someone, am I supposed to send someone else to relay that message for me?

I looked over to where she was pointing and the “friend” was avoiding all eye contact with me whatsoever. Ok. Friend was pretty cute, but ladybug was cuter.

Seriously though, in my book, if you want to dance with me, come ask me yourself. I decided to avoid the situation for the time being.

About a half hour later I was in desperate need of a beer refill, and as I was walking back from the bar, fresh beer in hand, I see ladybug, her friend and another chick all staring at me. Not wanting to seem like an asshole, knowing the friend was interested, I smiled and winked at their table.

Baaaaad idea.

New Rule: Don’t wink. Unless you’re realllly interested. Got it.

As I turned to head back to the dance floor, my arm was grabbed from behind. Ladybug. The 3rd friend is grabbing the one that’s interested and suddenly we’re being stood in front of each other like we’re two kids being told to make up, and ladybug says “Ok, you guys talk. Bye!” And the other two vanish. WTF?!

The chick I’m facing has a huge smile on her face, so I manage to get a smile on mine (beer helps, and she WAS cute). She drags me to the front of the bar where its quieter and we start to have convo. Convo goes well and she’s fun, but I’m really not that into her.

However, this chick (Ashley?) is into ME and keeps pulling me around the waist into her as we’re talking. I keep finding ways to wiggle out. Then she asks me to dance. I don’t really dance, I just kinda hang out on the dance floor, but ok. SHE dances. Obviously. As she’s dancing on ME, she tells me she wants to kiss me.

How does one get out of this situation? Where are my wingmen??

I’m too nice (ie. drunk) to say no, so what the hell…

This is where I find out Rule #.. what rule am I on? I need to write these down. ..Oh wait, I am.

Rule: If you make out with someone, they will be glued to you for the rest of the night.
Rule: You can’t make out with more than one woman in the same bar; this makes you a slut/player/a$$hole.
Rule: If you want to make out with someone else, change venues.

Ok, Ok, I’m learning.

My hairdresser (totally hot lesbian) tells me that when she’s single she’ll try to make out with someone minutes before heading to the next bar. Hmmm. How does one do THAT? “Hey, can we make out for a few minutes? I gotta go.”

Lucky for me, my wingmen eventually came through. We had a serious discussion about wingmen duties after that.

From now on, I’m carrying my notepad with me when I go out. Too many rules to remember and I just hope I don’t forget the ones I’ve learned for next weekend!

Dear Riley,

I’m just getting back into the dating scene after being in a long relationship.  I’ve been going out by myself, since I lost a lot of my friends in the break-up.  It is exciting to be single, but nerve wracking at the same time!  I’m ok with approaching people, but sometimes when girls come up to me, if I’m not interested, I can’t seem to figure out how to get out of the situation!  I want to play the field and don’t want to get stuck talking to one girl all night.  I can’t come up with any good exit strategies!  Do you have any?

Flying Solo

Dear Flying Solo,

What you need is a good wingman!  They are perfect for getting you out of tight situations, or they should be.  You just need to find the right one, and this is important.  See last week’s column for the dangers of choosing the wrong wingman.  In fact, let me provide you with the handy questionnaire I give to all my potential wingmen.

Wingman Application:

1. Do you secretly want to be with me?

2. Are you lying so that when we’re drunk later you’ll see if I’ll make out with you?

3. Are you funny?  Tell me a joke.

4. Read the following situations and provide the appropriate response.

Situation 1: We’ve been at the bar for an hour and I’ve been chatting up the same girl for 20 minutes.  I clearly have my beer goggles on and can do better.  What do you do?

A. Let me continue the conversation.

B. Tell me it’s time to go get drinks.

C. When I tell you I don’t need another drink right now, grab my arm and BRING me to go get drinks.

Situation 2: I’ve been cornered by the girl we’ve been politely trying to avoid all night.  Because I’m a nice person, I’m having a conversation with her, but am clearly wanting out.  What do you do? (more than one answer could apply)

A. Let me continue the conversation. (Hint. No.)

B. Walk up to us and tell me that everyone’s ready to head to the next bar now (even if we’re the only two out).

C. Tell me you need an escort to the bathroom because your ex’s new girlfriend is stalking you.

Escalated situation: The girl I’m talking to is now glaring daggers at you and trying to body block you from my view.  What is your back-up plan?

5. Which of the following signs means I need you NOW?

A. Mouthing the world “Help!”

B. Smiling in your direction, but you see the panic behind my eyes.

C. Saying any of the other various code words we’ve come up with before heading out for the night.

6. How much experience do you have flagging down cabs?

Hope this helps.  Good luck with your wingman search!

-Riley

10/26/2010- by Riley Dylan

FROM: boobs21 – i pop her cherry then i pop my collor

SUBJECT: hi sexy

i love your eyes im [name] im 21 and looking for a gf u seem cool so hit me up i live in monticello mn so hit me up 612 555 5555 thats my cell

Ah, the joys of online dating…  Yes, this was an actual message in my inbox today.  I’m about to remove myself from many of these dating sites.  Match.com.  PlentyofFish.com.  HidingInMyHouse.com.  What-have-you.

How many things are wrong with the above message?  It’s like a game of “I Spy.”

Well, let’s see.  How about taking the time to use punctuation and run the spell check?

“Hit me up”?!  Er, I’m 30.  I think I must have been asleep through whatever point in my life I was supposed to say that.  Or are people still saying that?  Maybe I’m just not cool.

And this chick’s tagline?  “I pop her…”  Ohhhhhh noooo.  Honey, I know you’re only 21, but popped collars?  Let’s have a talk, shall we?

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with online dating.  I met one of my ex-girlfriends online and we stayed together for three and half years.  But I have to admit, over the past couple months, my experiences on these sites have left much to be desired.  There isn’t a single girl yet I feel tempted to actually meet in “real” life.

I think a “Do’s and Don’ts” list may be appropriate to help explain why.

Do: Be honest.

You like classical music?  Then why is your iPod full of Katy Perry and Lady Gaga?  You like documentaries and the Discovery Channel?  Um, why are we watching re-runs of Jersey Shore?  You’re “athletic and toned”?  Wow, me too!  I’m just gonna, er.. wear all black for our first date… it’s slimming, right?  You like coffee shops and long walks in the park?  Cool!  You and 832,392 other people in this town!

Do: Include a recent picture of yourself.

And by recent, I mean within the last year.  A close-up.  NOT your high school graduation picture.  Especially if you’re 35 now.  No picture?  Um.. you’re probably a dude, posing as a girl.  (Yep, I was duped once.  Damn.)

Do: Explain why you are interested in your initial email.

Oh, I should date you because you love my eyes?  Yeah, I worked really hard to make them so.. hazel.  How about things you think we might have in common?

Don’t: Write a 12-page profile.  Or introductory email.

I stop reading after the first few sentences.  Which is why I only write a few sentences.  I’m really not narcissistic enough to believe that most people want to read my life story without ever having met me.  Leave something for the first date.

Don’t: Give out your phone number in your introductory email.

Is it possible to seem “easy” in more ways than just putting out on the first date?  Yes, give me your phone number before I’ve even decided whether or not I want to respond.

Don’t:  Flake out once we’ve exchanged phone numbers.

One of my latest text exchanges went something like this.

Me: Hey, this is Riley from HidingInMyHouse.com.  Thanks for sending me your phone number.  Hope ur having a good night.

Her: Hiiiiii

Me: So tell me a little bit more about yourself.  What kind of work do you do?

Her: Jusssst work.  You know..

Me: Um, so tell me a little bit more about you.  What kind of things do you like to do when ur not working?

Her: Eh, I’m not too interesting.

Me: Lol!  Aw, I’m sure you are.

[A few hours pass]

Her: Hiiiii

Me: [Deletes number]

Yeah.  Think I’m exaggerating?  Think again.

Sigh..

Thankfully, there are more women available in the world than what I’ve been finding at my fingertips.  Is it horrible that I don’t respond to the majority of “winks” and messages I’ve been getting?

Maybe I’m setting my standards too high.  Maybe I’m not being polite enough, and should at least say “Thanks, but no thanks.”  (Actually an option; if someone said that to ME, I’d be mortified!)  Maybe the “one” has emailed me already and I didn’t even give them a chance!!!

Riiiiiight.

Thing is, it’s all about chemistry anyway.  We could have the exact same profile, and look beautiful in our profile pictures, and meet each other and find that there is no spark.

Am I jaded?  Yes.  Which is a sign that it’s time to get away from my computer and into the real world.

That begins now.

For more of Riley Dylan’s insights, visit her blog at newleaflesbian.blogspot.com

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09/20/2010- by Riley Dylan

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Hi,

I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years…. attractive, talented, all of that.  She was very sweet and friendly with me… and finally single!  But — she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while.  Not really in the market now.  (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.)  She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe… but she’s who I really want!  Moreover, my mom has a particularly high regard for her as well, so she’s the only person I know of that my family would support initially rather than questioning like, “What is she DOING dating a woman??”.  How do I resolve this?

Thank you,

WS

Hi WS,

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but the girl you want? She’s just not into you. She’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.

 I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.

As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents both as a new partner and as the woman who is “turning their daughter gay.”

Good luck, WS and keep in touch!

Dear Femme, 

My girlfriend of a little over a year recently broke up with me. She says that she needs time for herself but she does not want to rule out us dating again but right now is not the time for her. Before the breakup we were very happy and had a very healthy relationship. The cause of the break-up is a little complicated. I graduated in May and have been trying to find a job and it was beginning to really take a toll on me, therefore hurting the relationship. Since then, I have found a job and I feel much more confident in myself and generally just a much happier person. All my friends tell me to forget about her, move on but I can’t help feeling as though we had something so special and that I can’t help but want to work on it rather than just giving up on her all together. I haven’t tried to contact her since the break-up but she still does text me once and awhile. What do I do? Just forget about her and move on or try to win her back? 

Confused 

Hi Confused,

I’m sorry to hear about your break-up. I have to agree with your friends, you should probably move on. BUT I believe in communication and I think you should let your ex know how you feel. Write her an email, saying exactly what you told me above about your job situation and how you are happier now and miss the special connection you had.

Don’t call her instead of sending an email. Email is better than phone for this, because you can express your feelings in an organized way, without interruption.

If she responds again saying she’s not ready for a relationship, cut all communication with her until you are completely over her. Get out there, start dating again, meet girls your friends introduce you too who ARE ready for a relationship, because it sounds like you want a relationship. You’re happy, spread your positive energy! Other women will pick up on your positivity and be drawn to it.  

Good luck Confused, and let me know how it goes!

Have a question for me? Email askafemme@yahoo.com

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We can’t seem to shake the belief that we are Nester’s who prefer to “settle in” a comfy-cozy lifestyle and procreate. I for one don’t doubt this, but when such a broad belief is used to generalize the “typical” woman, I’m all about disputing it. There are dozen of ways to categorize women. I just want to address the fact and explore the ideas that some women are perfectly capable of being single and loving it.

To accept this idea we first have to understand that being alone is not a curse, punishment, or sign that no one else wants to deal with us.

It’s a sign that we are perfectly OK “dealing” with ourselves, and because of it able to flourish and lead healthy relationships with others and ourselves respectively. Some women work really hard to establish themselves, and don’t feel it necessary to pursue romance until they’ve reached a certain point of personal success. Ladies we have to know this is OK!

It is romantically irresponsible to attempt your hands at romantic relationships knowing that you may not be available because of time restrictions, intimacy issues, personal problems, or are just plain not in the right place.

Sometimes it’s just that we feel fulfilled and satisfied by ourselves, even sexually, and that an actual partner may just get in the way. The key to combating certain relationship obligations is to know where you stand when it comes to the subject.

I find that being single is so much more beneficial to my success and where I want to go in life.

I’ve been in love, had a live in partner, and was totally and completely committed to her. She gave me the best years of my life. Now I am in a place where I seek a more healthy non-romantic success. Being good in a  relationship can make you feel on top of the world. A great provider, excellent mom, and committed wife can confirm womanhood. True womanhood is defined by being a great woman before you encounter those kind of responsibilities.

Now to get to the meat and potatoes of it all, can confirmed single women feel free to date?

Some daters may feel conflicted, thinking that someone who is happy being single may string one along. Just because a woman enjoys being single doesn’t mean she wont enjoy the company of another especially in a romantic setting. It’s usually the commitment that follows a few good dates that is of no appeal to her.

Which brings me to the idea that after a certain amount of dates, the deal is sealed, and Voila! You have a girlfriend.

A relationship is not determined by the number of dates a pair goes on, but the willingness to take it further after a certain number of dates. Five good dates aren’t parallel to a new relationship, and believing so may scare your partner away. I want to really raise a point that a woman who dates but doesn’t want a seriously, committed relationship doesn’t have to be a player, a whore, or a dog. Wanting to date is fine, even carrying on a consensual, responsible, sexual relationship is fine (I know, I know, groan). My point is that it’s OK to remain single while desiring to date around.

It’s 2009, no longer the Stone Age, women are free to pick their partners, or not pick them.

We can stand alone or strongly together. In a time and country where marriage is barely legal (woot, woot to IOWA and VERMONT) being single may be more secure for some. Validation no longer has to come in the form of pleasing your woman or man. Shame no longer has to follow when you show up to your ten year high school reunion alone.

We are Carrie Bradshaw hear us roarrr- or not.

Fact is we are beautiful beings genetically pre-disposed to provide and nurture our loved ones. We will always be chemically inclined to love and care for the people and things around us. When we choose to do so, is solely left up to us. And I must say, it sure feels good.

You can experience the SPAZ TALK RADIO Lesbian Podcast at spaztalkradio.podomatic.com or on MySpace at myspace.com/spaztalkradio.

So here’s the story…my sis-in-law is ready to buy a home.

She’s got a good job, great credit, a college education, and a good work ethic. She’s a nice person and chicks dig her. Her big flaw, or rather her Achilles heel, is her EX-WIFE, yes in capitals! For the love of all that is holy, my sis-in-law (lets call her N), can’t seem to shake the one person who has brought her so much grief and pain, the one who holds the kids as pawns in her twisted game of “N, give me money or you can’t see them” or “N, pick them up when I need to go party”. But N just never see’s the reality of what THE EX is doing….but that is neither here nor there.

The thing is that N wants to buy a house and make it her home.

But she’s asked us “where is the nearest school?” and “will you pick the kids up from school?”…she obviously didn’t get the memo. Should you really plan on buying a home just to keep on being a slave to your ex? And not just any ex, but THE EX! (this one is a real piece of work, but that’s a whole other story!)

I think my sis-in-law is about to fall into the “lets just move in with N” zone.

You know it…single lesbian, house with extra room. She might as well send an email to every crazy girl with problems, loser-friends, bad credit, ex’s they still deal with and anybody in-between… hey, lets all crash at N’s pad! If N thought it was tough when they were a couple, wait til THE EX continues to squeeze you for your few remaining nickels after you pay a mortgage! It’s giving me chest pains just to think about the oncoming drama!

But in the end all I could tell her was to please get her head together before buying a house and making that big commitment.

The moral of this story:

Get over the girl before buying your house or you will hurt more than you do right now.

(AND YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW WILL NOT PICK UP THE KIDS OR HELP YOU MOVE YOUR STUFF!!! SHE WILL JUST LAUGH AND TELL YOU I TOLD YOU SO!)

Subject: Leasing versus Purchasing

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

This is Heather.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer’s (former Governor of New York) call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!

This is Kristen.

Had Paul McCartney ‘employed’ Kristen for 5 years, he would’ve paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, plays all requests, no bitching and complaining or ‘to do’ lists. Best of all, she leaves when you’re done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Sometimes leasing makes far more sense.

Two Lesbos Goin At It is at www.twolesbosgoinatit.com